


Find Your Way

by fenrislorsrai



Series: Holloways [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Bureaucracy, Crowley Has Long Hair (Good Omens), Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Domestic, Environment, Established Relationship, Flowers, Fluff, Flying, Friendship, Gen, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Hair Braiding, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Mutual Recovery, Nature, Other, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Post-Canon, Slice of Life, Tenderness, Wing Grooming, Wings, bickerflirting, how the heck do your powers work we're gonna figure this out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 17:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 65,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20261500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenrislorsrai/pseuds/fenrislorsrai
Summary: They had shifted from having the Great Plan guiding their lives to the Ineffable Plan which most of the time looked like having no plan at all.  Lacking that structure left Aziraphale and Crowley somewhat adrift as to what their purpose was.Crowley comes up with a project they can both work on and plays to both their skill sets. And reminds them of some skills they'd almost forgotten they had.Involves a lot of fluff, general softness, flying, using bureaucracy for non-evil purposes, and learning to work together towards very human goals.Plus some exploring how their abilities are similar and different. You're from the same stock, but you're not the same.





	1. A map of what's to come

**Author's Note:**

> For the GoFanExchange on Twitter for merakieros  
This filled two of the three prompts I got  
2\. Picking up flowers that will inevitably end up in Crowleys hair or Aziraphale's or both  
3\. Wings and feathers appreciation
> 
> For those that found there way here via tags, how much of that tag is in this huge fic and which chapters?  
Wings and flying- 1-3, with 3 being VERY focused on wings. tiny bit of discussion in 4. You can read 3 as a standalone if you like!- they'll get back to that soon  
Crowley being good with kids- mostly 1, end of 4, all of 5, part of 6  
The Them- mostly 1, end of 4, all of 5, mention in 6  
Arthur Young- end of 4, quite a bit in 5  
Genderfluid Crowley- directly addressed in 4 and 5  
Tenderness, fluff, domesticity, Slice of Life, etc- ALL OF THEM  
nature, environment, flowers- ALL OF THEM  
Hair braiding & Crowley has long hair- scattered throughout as it was one of original prompts I got, but not a huge focus in any given chapter. Gets directly addressed at one point about long hair looks cool, a bitch for flying if you didn't braid it right  
Bureaucracy- not the Ineffable kind, sorry. tied in to "how do your powers work and why don't you just fix everything instantly?"  
How do your powers work- 2, 4, 5, 7, and 8. Most directly addressed in 4 and 8. You get some about Adam's in 5.

The six months after the Apocal-oops had consisted mostly of Aziraphale and Crowley trying to deal with their own personal problems. Moving from just spending more and more time together with less and less time spent looking over their shoulder had eventually turned into just moving in together. Adjusting to the idiosyncrasies of actually living together had been a great distraction. They were overall happy.

Once they had worked out most of the details of cohabiting, it became clear that they had some deeper issues to address. It seemed their former sides really were going to leave them alone. And once that fear faded, they were somewhat adrift. They were glad to be free of specific demands, but those demands had also very much shaped the structure of their lives. And without that… sometimes it was a bit hard to decide what to DO. They had shifted from having the Great Plan guiding their lives to the Ineffable Plan which most of the time looked like having no plan at all. 

Aziraphale was a little better off in short-term of having the bookshop to manage. Even with as strange and inconsistent as the hours were, they did provide some kind of rhythm to the passing of days and weeks. If anything, the shop hours actually became more consistent as Aziraphale leaned on that structure for stability. But still there was a certain lack of direction or purpose that had him questioning what he was doing, and would be doing, with the rest of his days.

Crowley was a bit more at loose ends. Millennia spent tempting people made him very reactive to others’ desires. But just tempting people as he’d done before was helping Hell and they could go Get Fucked. So he found himself less in position of tempter so much as enabler. Without a firm schedule of things he was supposed to do (other than Aziraphale) and no need to justify whether it was evil or not, he was easily drawn along with their human acquaintances’ activities. The Them in particular had a tendency to invite him for activities that their parents didn’t feel they should do unsupervised but also didn’t have the time to devote to. Crowley, however, frequently was available in the middle of a Wednesday and could be convinced it would be fun to at least try it this once... 1

But still, this was catering to other people’s desires and didn’t quite give Crowley the sort of long term sense of purpose that was missing. But he was trying a lot of new things, and it was just a matter of time before he found something that would really catch his interest. 

Aziraphale took it as a good sign when during that winter the flat started to acquire some clutter that was clearly Crowley’s. Aziraphale had seen it in part before over the centuries, but hadn’t seen the full development process before. Some sort of long term project was brewing where all the pieces were laid out, but Crowley hadn’t quite fit them together yet mentally or physically. It started with a few maps. Then some unidentified electronic equipment. Then the mysterious box of wooden discs. Then some books that weren’t Aziraphale’s and seemed to consist of as many post-its as pages. Aziraphale knew it was serious when Crowley was actually reading in bed with him and he had to retrieve a book on geographic information system design from the sleeping demon before he rolled over on it and broke the spine. Again. It was already taped together. 2

Crowley looked a bit guilty in the morning but Aziraphale simply looked fond. “It’s nice to see you plotting again.” 

“I’m not plotting, I’m just…” The post-it covered book on nightstand said otherwise. “Okay, maybe a little. It’s nothing bad!” 

Aziraphale chuckled at that. “You don’t have to justify it either way as anything other than something you want to do.” 

“I know but it’s just, you do things one way so long… old habits and all.” He pushed himself up in bed. 

“Did you want to tell me what you are working on, or have you not quite figured out the details yet?” 

Crowley twisted hands along edge of blanket, looking tentative. “Did you really want to know?” 

“Very much.” 

“The Them, Pepper specifically, kind of put me on general subject, but its was a bit beyond their skill level. But I have most of the skills from when I worked on the M25…” Aziraphale’s face registered Concern at that. “...not like that again though! Just with the surveying and dealing with ancient maps and how to get them updated with right agencies and all.” Crowley huffed slightly and ran hand through hair falling in his face. “I’m telling this all wrong.” 

“You did just wake up. Maybe breakfast, then tell me?” 

“Yeah, this might be better with maps to explain.” 

“You get that set up and I’ll make tea. Did you want to eat anything?” 

“Just tea. Can you put it in my travel mug?” 

“Of course” Aziraphale gave Crowley a kiss on forehead and went to get breakfast and tea while Crowley wrapped himself up in housecoat against the chill. Ran a quick hand through hair and found a hair tie to quickly corral it out of face before going to flip through the maps he’d acquired. He’d at least gotten a rack to store them in, but hadn’t really organized them physically or mentally so Aziraphale was just poking nose out of kitchen to see where he’d gotten to by the time he found the set he wanted. 

Crowley rolled the set of maps out on the overly large kitchen table they’d bought together. Aziraphale had put a clean tartan tablecloth on it since it was about to become the work and breakfast table. He’d also fetched a few empty tumblers from kitchen to serve as map weights. Crowley rolled out his bundle of four differently sized maps and laid them out on the table, making sure to avoid the tea and Aziraphale’s scone. 

“So this brand new one if the official map of byways, paths, bridleways, and roads in the area. This small one here” as he pointed at a brightly colored one “is the map of the camp I went to with Pepper and her Mum for that Girl Guide camping trip” Crowley had a slight smile at that before focusing on his explanation again. “This one is a map of the town camp is in. This second one is the adjoining town that butts up against the camp, but map is from just before the first World War.” 

He looked at the larger official map for a second and quickly sketched out with hand gesture a vague shape “That’s where the camp sits on this big map.” He pointed at the older town map. “See this path marked out here? And here it is on the big map. Now here’s that path on the camp map, but not on the official map. And the newer town map doesn’t have it either. But it definitely continued on past the edge of the camp. Old pilgrimage road, can still faintly smell it in the stones.” 

Crowley lay a hand on Aziraphale’s as he saw angel’s forehead starting to wrinkle in concern. “Not enough to hurt me any, I’d have told you that at time if it had. Just enough left so I can tell where it is if I really focus, even if its overgrown.” 

“There’s a lot of old public byways like that all over the place, not marked on the official map. They may be marked on old maps like this one.” as he ran hands over the older map. “They might even be in use but not officially recorded.” as he tapped the map of the camp. “If they’re not officially recorded though… they’re going to become private land in a few years.” 

Aziraphale took a few moments to study maps and absorb what Crowley had said. Looking at the tangle of byways and boundaries that didn’t quite line up between maps. Crowley scooted over to wrap arm one arm around Aziraphale and drank his tea with other hand, letting warmth sink in. 

“So how do you get it recorded here?” Aziraphale gestured at official map. 

“A lot of bureaucracy. Lots of filing old maps, finding the boundaries and landmarks on the old maps and tagging them with new surveying methods that will give GPS coordinates. So a bit of a research, a lot of footwork. I did all that sort of stuff when I worked on the M25. Old maps like these refer to trees of specific sizes a lot… none of which are that size anymore or are cut down now. So you’re out searching for the right stump in a forest. Or lying about which cluster of three oaks is the one that’s evenly spaced six links apart from each other. Can do quite a lot of mischief that way.” 

“This doesn’t seem like much mischief at all. So why did this get your attention?” 

“You know me, put a sign on it that says ‘keep out’ I’m gonna tear it down. Found a few of those already up on public byways, where owner of rest of land can’t wait til law makes it private, already got to keep people out.” Crowley made a disagreeable little hiss at that. 

“You could just go tearing down signs. Miracle these onto maps.” 

“Won’t stick. You get this much bureaucracy involved with parts checking up on each other, gets undone real fast you didn’t account for all the pieces. So yeah, I can miracle them on, but it won’t stay done if I don’t get all the other pieces that humans can check up on.” 

“And that’s important?” 

“Yeah. It’s a..y’know…” Crowley moved his hand holding mug of tea in circle, like he was rounding up his thoughts. 

“I don’t” 

Crowley’s voice got soft. “All this nonsense last few years with closing things off. I know it goes in cycles, but seems worse than usual. Whole great world full of things and kids can’t even go see what’s next hill over. Stamp the curiosity right out of them and disconnect them from the world around them. Gets small and confined only going preapproved places. Saw it out on that trip with Pepper. She’s alright, but a lot of them, so many rules every day already all day long, just a little sign all it take to make them turn back from what’s theirs. Not timid, just… obedient.” 

Aziraphale shifted a little uneasily next to him, then wrapped arm around Crowley. “How long?” 

“Little more than five years. There’s humans working on it too. So their plan, just helping.” 

“Can I help you?” 

“Yeah, I’d like that” 

* * *

They spent much of the winter on the research part. Aziraphale scoured his existing books for old maps and travelogues. Crowley checked them carefully against official digital maps. Then came back to Aziraphale with whether he should track down referenced sources in that. 

The flat slowly became more organized as the plan came together. They ended up transporting all of Aziraphale’s books of prophecy and all his Oscar Wilde from the bookshop to the flat as they were consulting those less frequently. The maps ended up at the shop as they were consulting those frequently and having people stop by to look at them for sections. It was hard enough sometimes negotiating the space with just them, inviting other people over seemed far too much to deal with. 

Having them on display at the shop while they were working also alerted people to Aziraphale’s interest in acquiring related material. He ended up with a lot of small hand drawn maps that way, often listing alternate names for the same locations or slightly different landmarks for finding corners of parcels. 

One day a week they spent actually out on the road doing research. Crowley would drop Aziraphale at the local church to consult the old parish maps and records and chat with the local pensioners that gave directions based on things that were no longer there. Aziraphale actually learned to use a cellphone so he could take photos of relevant maps and call Crowley if he finished early. 

Crowley would meanwhile go bother miscellaneous local tax assessors, land use offices, and other bureaucrats that mysteriously found themselves agreeing to let some kind of nongovernmental land use think tank in London digitize their archived paper records. Crowley went through quite a few variations of what exactly they were doing with that information based on exactly what sort of thing said bureaucrat might want their system to do. 3 But he almost always got them to agree, often with no miracle required.

Depending on how much time he had left and how cold it was, he’d sometimes try to locate access point for byways they were investigating. Quite a few private property signs went missing wherever they visited. 

Crowley would meet back up with Aziraphale and then they’d explore area looking for somewhere to eat that struck the angel’s fancy. Then spend meal comparing notes of what they’d gotten up to. They usually managed to leave an interesting rumor in their wake about what exactly the mismatched pair of Londoners were doing out there. 

Crowley was getting a bit antsy to actually get out in field and start pinning down locations, but Aziraphale was firm on they weren’t going out tromping around muddy fields in the cold and damp. He COULD carry Crowley back to the Bentley if needed, but that would be embarrassing if his serpent face planted in a field just because it was still frightfully cold out. Crowley agreed, but still glared daggers at every patch of slush or frozen mud they saw. Why did they live in England again? 

Their first real outing was the last weekend in March with the Them, Anathema, and Newt, though Newt was required to stay at least three feet away from Crowley’s tablet full of maps and the GPS receiver. They’d picked a relatively short section to do in Hogback Woods where a tangle of several byways crossed over each other. The paths were largely familiar to the Them, but trying to lay them out on a map where other people could recognize them was very different than walking someone along them. 

Aziraphale had left his favorite coat at home for a short one less likely to be caught on brush. Crowley had even persuaded him to wear actual jeans and hiking boots for much the same reason. Crowley very much enjoyed the view, even if Aziraphale was still wearing a bowtie. Aziraphale insisted that since he’d changed up his outfit, it was only fair he got some input on Crowley’s. Crowley had gotten to keep much of his usual stylish look other than swapping it out for a more practical coat, but had gotten silk long johns underneath that he had initially objected to, but with it still being damp, now was admitting Aziraphale had been right about. And the black hat and gloves too. And the thermos of tea. 

The Them were enthusiastic about the adventure and relatively helpful. Brian and Pepper were good at picking out the right kind of trees indicated on Crowley’s maps, though not always good at judging age, which just took practice. Wensleydale was a steady hand with keeping their sightings straight and making sure notes got recorded in a consistent format, with Newt occasionally assisting when they simply needed someone tall enough to be seen over a roll in terrain. Adam and Newt were both good at finding what seemed out of place, noticing where the undergrowth suddenly changed type, indicating where a tree had fallen years before or where the soil changed type suddenly. Anathema was just as good with the theodolite as Crowley was, though a bit more baffled by the maps they were consulting just due to difference in American vs British notation. Aziraphale mostly was good at sidling up behind Crowley while he was trying to take a measurement and wrapping arms around his waist to warm him back up. Crowley only vaguely grumbled at it and wrapped arm over Aziraphale’s anytime it seemed like the angel might take the grumbling as an indication he should stop. 

They had a nice picnic while out as well, admiring the early spring flowers. Crowley had nixed the idea of settling too close to the early bluebells with a reminder that they were poisonous and they shouldn’t let Dog roll around in them. They’d instead settled in area overrun with primrose instead, mostly pale white and yellow ones. Even with blanket, ground was still rather chilly so Aziraphale had ended up pulling Crowley into his lap while they shared the thermos of tea. 

All in all it had been a successful first attempt. They took all their recordings to send in to make an official request for adding it to the maps and promised to keep the Them and the Devices updated on how it was going and if they’d missed any steps. Once they heard back on that, they’d send the Them email with any other locations nearby that they could handle. They’d call Anathema with updates since no computer survived long in the cottage. 

Crowley practically cooked them in the Bentley on the way home from how high he had the heater and was very eager to get his angel into bed at home. He claimed it was due to that outfit looking amazing on Aziraphale, but an icy foot on calf said there may also have been some ulterior motives. Aziraphale would have complained, but Crowley was willing to get very creative with where he put cold hands to make him gasp. 

* * *

Miracles of course sped up the process and smoothed over some things that weren’t quite in the right format until they suddenly were. Overall the first outing had gone well and they were likely ready to tackle older, more confusing areas that they’d marked out over winter. They waited another two weeks as Crowley waited to hear back on the info they’d submitted and for it to be a little less cold as with just the two of them, it would likely be a longer period outside to get the same information. The humans that they’d been conferring with on the process who had done it before were frankly amazed they got any kind of response in a fortnight, but they both smiled and claimed they had a long, long history of dealing with bureaucracy. Once they actually knew the system, they’d likely be able to get things completely approved with no resubmissions of information required.

* * *

Their first solo outing was to go scout the old pilgrim road that went through the Girl Guide camp. They’d leave the portion in the camp proper to the Guides to do themselves as a project. They went up midweek so as to avoid running into anyone other than the resident caretaker and her wife who greeted them in morning before heading off to work in town. The camp gave them a convenient place to park the Bentley and a good starting point. There was a pretty clear holloway through the camp lined with trees. Once they reached the edge of camp property though, much of the trees had been felled and bracken crowded down into the path. There was also private property sign and a fence across the track where it left camp, which Crowley made short work of. They took initial readings and then consulted maps. 

“It should go off that way in general” Crowley pointed “and eventually end up at little pilgrim’s hut, or what’s left of it, a few miles on. I think between the two of us, we’ve got good odds of being able to feel that clearly even if the map’s a bit vague on location. Though I also had an idea if you’re up for it.” 

“You’ve got me up for all sorts of new things recently, so let’s hear it.” 

“Wellllllll, when’s the last time you went for a flight?” 

“Oh, oh, not in a long time.” Aziraphale’s hands fluttered nervously and an anxious tone crept into voice. “What if someone saw us?” 

“Our sides don’t care anymore.” Crowley’s voice was soft, reassuring, and Aziraphale calmed a little, the anxiety having been more habit than anything. “As to humans, I don’t think there’s much of anyone out in the middle of private fields on a Tuesday morning. Not even any sheep out here.” 

It would be nice…. But won’t that make taking your measurements a bit hard?” 

“Most of it we’ll do on foot. I figure we can try when we get to the area where we’re searching for hut, which isn’t directly on path. There was allegedly a stone post near it that is now probably buried under the bracken, but probably it can still be seen from above.” 

“Well then, let's get a wiggle on”. Crowley rolled his eyes at that, but took Aziraphale’s hand anyway. 

The path was initially easy to follow and the main problem was finding something to use as a reference point for taking a measurement. They ended up just using distances and GPS markings for much of it since there wasn’t much to go on. After about a mile it became more confusing as the holloway joined several other sunken lanes, possibly due to erosion from when the trees were cut or possibly just undulations in terrain that were now becoming difficult to tell apart from the main lane. It was badly overgrown so that wasn’t even a good indication of actual path. Crowley was stopping more and doing slow little turns to pick out route. Sometimes he had to to get a little ways away from Aziraphale to not have the angel interfering with ability to feel faint sense of holiness associated with the old road. He eventually reached the point where he couldn’t tell which of several slight rolls in ground was the actual path as they all seemed to have been at some point. 

“I think we’re at a point where flight may be a good idea. You fly, I’ll tell you what to look for in what direction and how far. You’ve got much better distance vision than I do.” 

“Doublecheck no one is looking.” Crowley briefly focused. “Do cows count? Cause there’s one that way.” He waved in direction of a cow that was hidden somewhere off in the rolling bracken. 

“No” 

“Then nobody’s looking.” 

Aziraphale extended wings and rolled neck slightly as he resettled shoulders. “Where am I going?” 

“If we’re oriented correctly and the map’s semiaccurate, about one mile that way should be the pilgrim’s hut. There should be a stone pillar by it. It should be a little bit off the pilgrim road. I THINK the marking here indicates the hut was in a hollow with a water seep out of the slight hill by it. So vegetation might be a different color there.” 

Aziraphale looked at map on tablet for a moment and had Crowley indicate distance again, trying to use much more distant landmark on horizon to orient him on a straight path. 

“If you get too far off course, look back and I’ll wave you back on course. Now do you want a hand off ground?” 

“A hand?” 

“We’re in a bit of a hollow and in bracken, it's a bit of a jump to make from ground. I can give you a boost up to keep wings clear of ground, make take off easier. It’s been awhile.” 

“It has.” Aziraphale wrinkled nose. “I don’t think I’m that out of practice… but I’ve also never had anyone offer that kind of help either. Just you.” 

Crowley colored a bit at that. “I’ve given you hand up onto a horse plenty of times. Its same basic move, just lifting a bit higher.” 

“I believe I elbowed you in the head last time you helped me onto a horse.” 

“Aren’t you glad I have a car?” 

“Very.” 

“Try not to elbow me or hit me with a wing.” Crowley twined his fingers together and bent over just a little so Aziraphale could get foot in cupped hands. “Hand on shoulder. I’ll lift on three. ON three.” 

Aziraphale flared wings out a bit to get balance and pull them high enough to hopefully not hit Crowley on downbeat. “Ready ON three.” 

“One. Two. Three!” Crowley heaved and Aziraphale pushed off and brought wings down. He didn’t hit Crowley, but the demon still fell on his butt on the ground, driven down by the power of that push off and battered by the downdraft of those wings. His breath was knocked out of him. He didn’t get that many reminders of Aziraphale having originally being built as a warrior, but the sheer power of that… 

Aziraphale wheeled back around and looked like he was going to land to check on him. “I’m fine!” Crowley waved from ground. “Forgot about the downdraft. Go look!” 

He took a minute to sit, just enjoying seeing Aziraphale fly. It HAD been a long time. He’d certainly seen the angel’s wings more recently and they’d even groomed each other a few times in the last year, but it had to have been millennia since he’d seen him fly. From the slight wobble here and there, it had clearly been awhile for Aziraphale too, though he seemed to get back in the practice quite quickly and get to the task of methodically looking for the reference points Crowley wanted. He could tell when Aziraphale spotted it as he did spiral downward before pulling up quickly. 

Crowley got up then to make it easier to see him. Aziraphale wheeled back and did a little spiral over him “Found it! The actual path too! Easy to see from up here!” 

“Alright! Guide me along route, I’ll drop some markers and we’ll take measurements on way back!” Aziraphale had to do a bunch of different passes to indicate right route to mark out. Neither of their wings were suited for hovering unless they used a miracle to do so. So Aziraphale did a low pass relatively close to ground to indicate actual path through bracken and then would sharply climb and loop back to pass over same ground again. He gradually got more confident in passes and Crowley could then feel buffet of wind as Aziraphale passed low over him and passed along route, seeming to get lower every time. He was starting to feel like he should duck. 

“Show off!” 

“You suggested it!” 

Crowley grumbled a little at that, but he had. Aziraphale gave one more pass over him and then landed slightly ahead of him. It was not the most graceful landing since ground was uneven. Aziraphale turned around looking delighted. 

“That was a capital idea. Thank you, dear. I’ve gotten so used to not, I’d almost forgot I could.” 

“How long has it been?” 

“Oh dear. I think it was France.” 

“The crepes?” 

“Yes.” 

“Hadn't you gotten in trouble just before that for frivolous miracles and then you’re off flying?” 

“Well yes, but that doesn’t take a miracle. Unless you’re seen.” He went to resettle wings slightly. “Oh, I do think I will feel that later. It has been awhile. I think I need to sit down.” 

“Here, show me where this hut was is so I can put down a reference marker and then we’ll sit and have some tea and I can get bracken out of your wing tips.” 

“Oh you’re going to laugh.” Aziraphale pointed to side and Crowley scrambled through bracken to spot that was overrun with different creeping plant with variegated leaves and tall flower stalks just starting to get yellow buds on them. He could see stone block just barely protruding above surrounding plants, with a rusted off piece of metal protruding from it that had once probably had a ring to tie a horse or ox to. 

“Oh come on. Really? Yellow archangel?” 

“At least it makes it easy to find again later.” 

Crowley scrambled back over to Aziraphale, who’d since sat down. “I’ll finish marking that out later, Let me get any bracken bits off your wings and we’ll do proper cleaning when we get home.” 

Crowley handed Aziraphale the bag he’d been carrying so he could find the thermos of tea and some biscuits while Crowley gave him a quick once over. 

“How’d you find the path so quick?” 

“Stone chips thrown in the path. Can see them glittering in the sun pretty easily. The spot you got lost at didn’t have much, so something must have happened at some point where the path got moved. Possibly washed out. It did resume a bit behind you, so we were close. It continues on past here too, but I’m not how far you intended to go today” 

“Just to here, it's what I brought maps for. But that should make the rest of this route easy. Hmmm, if a lot of the other ones are like that, may have to make you fly a lot more often than once every few centuries. Though you can put them away for now.” Aziraphale sighed slightly and stretched wings out one more time before tucking them away. 

Crowley had some of the tea as well but skipped the biscuits while he kicked around in the bracken to see if he could find the remains of hut. He could find top edge of what was probably pole framing at some point sticking up slightly out of ground. A little casual digging revealed some decayed wattle and daub at the very bottom. He didn’t want to dig anymore, so took reference photos to indicate they had found what probably was the old hut, making sure to get the standing stone pillar in the photos as well. He recorded even more distance measurements and the GPS coordinates. 

“I think we can head back and get the rest of the measurements on way. You ready?” 

“Maybe another few minutes just sitting. That was a lot. It has been a long time.” Aziraphale looked a little sheepish. Crowley settle down next to him, ready to sit as long as Aziraphale needed. “How long has it been for you?” 

Crowley made a face as he thought. “Ngk...second World War?” He scoured brain. Surely it had been more recent than that? “How has it been that long?” 

“We let our world get small.” 

Crowley bumped his shoulder against Aziraphale's. “Guess this is good for us then. You still have way better eyesight than I do, so I think you get to do the real work in that regard.” 

Aziraphale bumped him back “You’re going to have to just fly for pleasure then.” 

“Not today I think. But soon. With you.” 

“Together” 

“Yeah.”

They made the trek back on foot, picking up the markers as they went and getting all the coordinates and GPS markers before heading back in. It was probably the longest foot trek they’d made in decades and Aziraphale had the additional exertion. They were a bit footsore and ended up heading home to get takeout and sprawl out. Crowley gave Aziraphale’s wings a proper cleaning at home in bed, with the angel making all kinds of noises right up until he fell asleep. Crowley really couldn’t fault him for that and ended up sliding under wing and going right to sleep as well. This was certainly something to look forward to. 

* * *

They worked more on that same byway as it crossed through several more towns for several more weeks until they ran into documented sections. They worked out method where Aziraphale could drop a piece of surveyor's tape with small weight attached to mark path so he didn’t have to keep buzzing Crowley to indicate direction. Crowley just picked them up as he marked them out and started tossing them back at Aziraphale when he was done, though it took a bit of practice for them to time it right so Aziraphale could actually catch them on the fly. 

Crowley got better at giving Aziraphale a boost from ground, but got knocked over every time. He loved it. He eventually figured out how to turn it into a backwards roll to absorb increasingly more powerful kickoff. Aziraphale didn’t really seem to need the assist but enjoyed it, giving Crowley a quick kiss and a “Thank you, dear” each time. They were very disappointed the week there were people to see and there was no flying at all. They groomed each other’s wings at home that night anyway, even if they probably didn’t need it. 

Aziraphale closed the bookshop on a Saturday near end of May4as they got invited back to the Girl Guides camp to help Pepper explain what they were doing with mapping project to a bunch of similarly aged girls that were going to document the section on camp property over the summer. Some of them had met Crowley the previous fall and seemed more put off that he was wearing his ever present sunglasses than they were that he’d changed pronouns since then and might have different ones next time they saw him. Aziraphale attracted some amount of whispering from the same group as to exactly what sort of surprises he was hiding if he was with Crowley and was Pepper’s friend. He must be cool by association.

Crowley vanished the private property sign again while they were there and made a note to send the landowner a new copy of the official map. 

* * *

They spent the next month filling in confusing gaps on other people’s mapping efforts that were close to London and could use the help from someone with a “drone”. They mostly avoided going out with other people to do actual mapping, but had a lot drop by shop to review the maps with them and go over what portion was giving them trouble. If the visitors were occasionally baffled that they spoke of some areas as if they had first hand knowledge of what it had looked like more than a century ago, well, clearly they read a lot. Crowley made sure to scan or photograph all the maps people brought in and then send them a link to his growing digital collection of documents. 

Aziraphale took the shop down to only three days a week to give them more time in the nice weather. It also let him avoid more tourists. 

* * *

Near the middle of June they picked up a survey from one of the Ramblers they’d gotten to know well to cover a particularly large area that had originally had a tangle of paths, but had suffered a fire and subsequent erosion that had nearly totally obscured the original route. Robert had hammered in some stakes where he was sure of path and would bring some volunteers out to knock down the brush if they could confirm route from air. They might still be able to spot some of the old stone markers from air that had been buried under regrowth. Crowley decided that was a good time to join Aziraphale in air, but didn’t tell him that ahead of time. Aziraphale noticed he was jittery on the trip out, but merely held his hand and stoked back of it with fingers. 

“Can you maybe give me a boost this time?” 

Nothing would make me happier, my dear boy.” 

He should have been expecting it from the power with which Aziraphale took off normally, but how much force Aziraphale put into lifting him made Crowley let out undignified squawk and he nearly did a somersault. He narrowly avoided hitting Aziraphale with wing, who was busy laughing at the undignified noise. 

Crowley righted himself and wheeled around. “Shut it!” Crowley was genuinely grinning though, so there was no real heat behind it. “Now let’s see you get up here so I can have a laugh.” 

Aziraphale extended wings and took a moment to stretch out and do just that. Several weeks of practice meant Crowley didn’t get much to laugh at, just admire. They did a couple lazy circles around each other, just grinning like idiots. Aziraphale made hand motion at his eyes and Crowley took his sunglasses off and shoved them in pocket. He blinked and wobbled a little at the sudden brightness. 

“Point out what I should be looking for!” They got in close enough to be able to successfully hear each other, but not close enough to risk bumping wings. Crowley frequently couldn’t quite see what Aziraphale was pointing out without getting perilously close to ground, so it looked like Aziraphale would still be doing most of the actual aerial spotting. Though flying for pleasure, that was definitely going to have to get included in more outings. 

Crowley eventually circled back to point where they’d left equipment and made a not-that-graceful landing, which he was going to partially blame on hair having escaped confines of loose braid. He plunked down on the ground, not exactly winded, but just trying to get brain back to considering walking the correct mode of transport. 

Aziraphale landed nearby, but far enough away to not kick dust up onto him. Then walked over. “Your hair’s a fright, let me rebraid it.” 

“Please. I’m going to need to braid it tighter anytime we’re going flying. And probably a headband. And some bobby pins. Your haircut is a lot more practical for this.” 

Aziraphale sat down behind him and undid end of braid and started carding fingers through hair to get it untangled and remove some of the leaves they’d kicked up. “Do you regret growing your hair out?” 

“Hell no. Just requires some planning is all.” 

“Oh good, because I do so like it.” He gave Crowley a kiss behind the ear. “Even if it is a bit out of hand right now.” 

“Do whatever you like with it, it's got to be better than what it looks right now.” 

“Whatever I like?” 

“That sounds like you have ideas.” 

“I do” 

“Get on with it then.” 

Crowley enjoyed sitting just soaking up the sun on wings, letting the slight bit of ache from disuse melt away. He made the occasional noise when Aziraphale pulled a bit too hard on hair trying to get a tangle out and muttering that next time they were bringing a proper comb. He eventually sectioned hair back off and seemed to be putting it back in similar single braid to what he’d started day with. It was still growing out, so there were only so many braid styles that worked right now. Aziraphale fussed with it a bit more than seemed necessary, but it was pleasant just sitting. Click of camera phone behind him got Crowley to sit back up from drowsing. Aziraphale then leaned into him and brought phone around to take a picture of them both, and another as he kissed Crowley on cheek. He flipped to the camera roll before handing it to Crowley to look at. “Hopefully it meets with your approval.” 

He looked at first photo of the back of his head with the new braid. It was still quite loose, but it looked intentionally done. Aziraphale had also taken the time to braid some of the blue flowers from the chicory they’d say down by into the braid and above the ears. He flicked to next picture of the two of them from front. Looking at Aziraphale’s face resting on shoulder next to the flower above ear, he saw why he’d picked them. They almost exactly matched blue of Aziraphale’s eyes. The next one of Aziraphale kissing him on the cheek was a little out of focus from motion, but Crowley stared at it for a full minute anyway as face flushed, just taking in both their expressions. Aziraphale’s warm and affectionate, Crowley with head turned slightly, almost shy, with eyes turned towards Aziraphale with equal warmth. 

“I never should have taught you to use a camera. You’re a menace.” 

“You love it.” Aziraphale gave him another kiss on cheek 

“I love you.” That got him a squeeze and a nuzzle by ear. Crowley laughed. “Stop it, you’re gonna undo work you just did.” 

“Well, when you put it that way… I would like to get to admire that for a bit longer. You ready?”

“Yeah.” Crowley tucked wings back away with a slight sigh and got up, then helped Aziraphale up who still had wings out and did need the hand up. “Still want a boost up?” 

“From you, always.” 

They made good progress on sorting out the tangle but would probably need several more visits to find the rest. They found a few of the stakes Robert had put out in an earlier attempt before requesting their help. They hammered in a few new ones and ran string between the points they were sure of so the clearing process could begin. This was a plot the landowner was actually being cooperative, so was happy to have things marked up before the official change to map was logged. 

They both sprawled out on bed at home that evening to clean wings, with Crowley falling asleep with it half done. He woke up to the background on his phone having been changed to a picture of him sleeping with his hair still braided with flowers in it, partially framed by the tops of his wings. Aziraphale’s hand was resting on one of wings. Crowley had no idea he could actually look that peaceful. He saved it to the camera, but put the background back to a picture of Aziraphale reading. 

“You’re a menace.” 

"Your menace."

1\. This was also how he got sucked into being the chaperone for official school field trips and one Girl Guide camping trip. They were always very educational trips, though often not for the reason the teacher had intended. Back

2\. Crowley did read books but he liked to write in them and dogear pages. Post-its were a wonderful invention, but still… he wasn’t going to read his angel’s books if he wanted to keep his corporationBack

3\. Crowley initially digitized some of these with a miracle, but once he started acquiring too many to sort through easily, it had been passed on to an actual data services firm to make functional software to catalog and cross reference them. Crowley was surprisingly one of their least annoying clients to work for and they always got paid on time, so he got sent a GOOD fruitcake at Christmas. Back

4\. Just when people were starting to think he might have regular hours. Clearly he had lulled them into a false sense of security. It wasn't a big surprise when he changed the "regular" hours in June. Back


	2. One for the life list

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything comes with risks. it's just a matter of managing them. And if you're doing that with someone else, sometimes you find that their perception of them is very different.

They’d been working on the huge burnt over area for two weeks now. Crowley had flown three more times, getting a little more confident with each outing as he recovered old skills. He’d finally found a braid style that consistently kept hair out of face while flying, but some of it still managed to escape by the end of the day no matter how many bobby pins got put in. A small price to pay for getting to fly with Aziraphale. 

It was likely going to take them another two or three visits to finish laying out all the old paths, so they weren’t expecting a visit about it before that. Yet Robert, who they’d originally gotten the request for aide from, had shown up during shop hours to see them and had come bearing piece of equipment as well. 

“My Karen and the birding club said they saw you out there other day and sent me by to show you one of the trailcams they’re setting up ahead of the bioblitz they’re doing to show you how to turn it off while you’re working. Don’t want to be filling up card with pictures of people when they’re trying to get birds. They’ve already got enough pictures of me walking round and I got an earful for it!” 

Aziraphale was now focused on the explanation of how the thing worked and how to turn it on and off as well as check the card and delete pictures. Crowley’s brain had stopped on the first bit of what had been said “they saw you out there.” He’d checked for people hadn’t he? Had he gotten so distracted by excitement of flying with Aziraphale he somehow _forgot_? 

_ _“Are you paying attention dear?” _ _

_ _‘Ngk” Aziraphale gave him a concerned look at the noise that didn’t seem to match up with what was going on. _ _

_ _“I think maybe we should start over then. He’s usually so much better with these sorts of things than I am, I think I’ve already missed a step. Which button did we start with?” Aziraphale kept up steady string of questions on details since it seemed he really was going to have to know this information all on his own. Aziraphale eventually told Crowley to go get them tea since his mind had clearly gone somewhere far from here. _ _

_ _Making tea at least settled his nerves some with the sheer normalcy of the task. Clearly things couldn’t be too bad. Everything else about conversation had seemed very normal. He’d been the one acting weird, not their visitor. _ _

_ _He returned with tea for all three and remembered to grab some biscuits as well. Aziraphale and Robert seemed to be discussing upcoming event when he returned. “I know you two usually like to work alone out in the field, so much quieter, but the bird watching group wanted to make sure you knew you were invited. You aren’t obligated to come, but you’re invited.” _ _

_ _Everything seemed normal. They had tea, got some more details on how exactly this bioblitz event would go. Seemed like a bit of a scavenger hunt for species. Invite friends if they liked. They made some noises about possibly inviting the kids. They got a manilla envelope that had more detailed information. Apparently there would be sandwiches and they should text Dale if they were coming to make sure enough got made. Crowley relaxed as it seemed he’d entirely overreacted. _ _

_ _Goodbyes were made and Aziraphale gathered up teacups and then firmly took Crowley’s hand and drew him back into kitchenette, where no one would walk in on them talking. “Something set you off, but you seem better now. Did you want to tell me?” _ _

_ _Crowley took a breath and then blew it out slowly. “Nothing, I guess. He just said “they saw you out there” and I got worried. We got invited to this thing, so I guess they just saw us walking and it reminded them.” _ _

_ _“Yes, that seems likely. Good thing we got the info on the trailcams then. There’s an updated map in envelope that has where they are so we can find them to turn off and on. That would have been a problem if we hadn’t know they were out there.” _ _

_ _“I didn’t even know that was a thing I should look for out in woods. Thought we were done with being watched. We got lucky. Now I know though. Just a bit of a scare.” He didn’t sound convinced. _ _

* * *

_ __ _

They pulled out packet that evening while sitting in bed to look at the information on event and the new map to plot things out. They split the papers in half to read. Aziraphale ended up with a page with a handwritten note paperclipped to it . 

Aziraphale started reading the note and then let out a simple “oh dear” and paused for a moment. Crowley’s earlier anxiety came roaring back as he watched Aziraphale read, watching face become worried, then perplexed. He flipped to the page the note had been paperclipped to. “What does it say?” 

“Do you want to read it or me to read to you?” 

“Read to me, I don’t think I can right now.” Crowley’s yellow irises were overtaking rest of eye and pupils going more slitlike in distress. 

Aziraphale pitched voice slightly differently than his usual speaking voice to indicate he was reading someone else’s words. 

> _“Well you two are something for the life list, that’s for sure! We would have flagged you down that day, but didn’t want to scare you. Please consult the map and make sure to turn the cameras off while you’re working. We took a vote and decided we’d follow the highlighted policy. We very much appreciate the work you have been doing and hope you continue to do it. We’d love to see you at the bioblitz but understand if you don’t wish to attend.  
Signed the Friends of Old Foxfield Birding Club”_

“We’re fucked. We need to track them down and make them forget.” Crowley looked like he might jump out of bed and go tearing off into night right this minute. 

“The highlighted section referred to says “Some species might be omitted from the public version of the bioblitz report to protect them.” The note does include everyone’s name from club, so Karen, David, Ian, Jacqueline, and Susan. From the earlier conversation, I assume Karen is Robert’s wife. And he certainly didn’t seem to think anything odd had happened so she doesn’t seem to have told him.” 

“You’re not sssuggesting we jussst do nothing?” 

Aziraphale was quiet for a moment. “...I think I am. It’s a bit round about note, just in case someone else saw it. But having Robert stop by to show us how to turn off cameras and where they were…. I think they’re trying to act in good faith without asking more information of us if we don’t want to give it.” 

“Thissss is my fault. If I’d just paid more attention!” 

“Crowley, there is a risk every time we fly someone might see us. It’s why we stopped in the first place.” 

“I never ssshould have sssuggested it to you!” 

“We can be more careful. And like you said earlier, now we know better what to be wary of.” 

“We don’t even know thesssse people!” 

“Yes well, they know of us, and realized they might scare US if they approached us, so sent us a message through someone we knew.” 

Crowley bit at nails. “I don’t like thisssss” 

“Yes well, it’s happened now, and I think this is probably the best outcome we could have hoped for if we were going to be seen, and that was going to happen eventually.” 

“How can you take thisssss calmly!?!” 

“Because you’re taking it so badly! One of us needs to keep it together!” Aziraphale snapped and then immediately looked contrite. 

“Oh. Angel, I’m sssorry. I jussst, I can’t even ssstop hissssing!” Crowley made a deeply frustrated noise and blinked back tears. 

“Oh dearest... It IS a shock. You’re allowed to be scared.” 

“I’m a demon!” 

“That might be more reason to be scared. As I recall, people seeing you generally went a lot worse for you than it ever did for me… and yet I’m the one that stopped flying first. You’re braver than I was.” 

“Dumber, more like.” 

“Never.” 

They sat for a few minutes, just letting Crowely try and collect himself. 

“Did you want to stop again?” 

“Yesss, no, I jussst got that back, but now… “ He took a breath to try and steady himself and looked squarely at Aziraphale, looking as if he might lose it again at any moment. “I AM scared.” 

He took Crowley’s hands and squeezed them. “We can go back to not.” 

“No, you look so happy when you’re flying!” 

“And so do you.” 

“... I am. And I want to do that with you more. I’m just scared.” 

“We’ll figure it out.” he gave Crowley’s hands another squeeze. “You know, you stopped hissing as soon as you admitted you were scared.” 

“What? No! It can’t be that easy!” Crowley made a face as he realized that there had in fact been no hissing there. “I still feel it though.” 

“You just decided to feel it and deal with it instead of hissing at yourself over feeling wrong.” Crowley hissed slightly at Aziraphale over that. Aziraphale chuckled “Now, about dealing with it, do you want to go to the bioblitz so we can meet these people and see what they're like?” 

Crowley took a shuddering breath “I don’t know. I’m not sure I can deal with people looking at me like…. Like I don’t even know.” 

“We’ll both be there, so they’ll have to look at the both of us like you don’t even know.” 

“That’s not funny.” Crowley sounded a little petulant and tired, but the sharp edge had been taken off anxiety. “And it’ll be different. You’re an angel.” 

“I don’t think they know we’re not the same1, so we’ll both get any funny looks. Or they’ll be very, very British and say nothing.” 

“I hope its say nothing.” he paused and pointed a finger at Aziraphale. ”That is not an indication I want to go. I will THINK about it.” 

“Of course.” 

* * *

Crowley had hewed and hawed for a day and actually lost sleep over whether he even wanted to finish mapping project at Old Foxfield before finally deciding, yes, they’d continue. He was a demon, damnit, and he was not going to be scared off from doing something he wanted! They wouldn't have sent a note if they were waiting in bushes to discorporate them. Though flying might not happen this time. Aziraphale at least talked him into letting him braid and pin Crowley’s hair, just in case. 

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.” 

“Braiding your hair.” 

“Making it easier to say yes.” 

“And who taught me that?” Crowley let out an exasperated sigh, but let Aziraphale finish anyway. 

The first of the trailcams at Old Foxfield was more or less where the birders had said it would be. “Before we turn it off, see if you can sense where it is, like you would if someone was watching us directly.” 

Crowley focused to tune out Aziraphale’s steadying presence, then extended occult senses outward to try and pick up feeling of intent. He could feel the attention of various animals fearful of them and deciding whether to skulk away or hunker down and try to be invisible. There was prickle of interest of a nearby snake that had scented Crowley. But no human eyes on them at the moment. He first looked at the camera to verify where it was, then closed eyes to focus on that vague sense of desire, of being observed, to see if he could pick it up from machine. Nothing. He hissed slightly and shifted tongue to let more of the serpent bleed through to this form. A flicker of tongue and he could pick up more specifics. He was distracted by Aziraphale for a moment, still that overwhelming and consistent love, but with that additional prickle of fear that Crowley couldn’t do this and his concern for Crowley himself. He tuned him out like a familiar background noise. He could pick out individual animals more clearly. And there, the slight lingering bit of intent wrapped around camera by humans. Mostly curiosity and excitement, but no malice or ill will directed at them. 

“I think so, angel. It’s hard. I’m not sure I would have picked it out without knowing it was there. I’ll get better with time.” Crowley felt some of tension bleed out of him that he now had some control of situation back. 

“I’m glad you can do that. My senses in that area are a lot less acute.” 

Aziraphale checked the camera and Crowley felt rather wrong footed in that Aziraphale was taking the lead on dealing with shiny new tech. Aziraphale flipped through the card as he’d been instructed and deleted off a picture of someone else walking away from camera after turning it back on, several random pictures of swaying leaves with no animals visible, and them walking up to the camera. He left all the assorted pictures of birds and bats and made a delighted noise at a picture of a fox skulking through the nearby bracken. 

“This really is very clever!” Aziraphale smiled at the fox picture again then looked a bit more somber. “A bit of a problem for us in how clever though.” 

“Mmm. It IS a bit of a problem, but I can’t be too mad with anything that encourages people to be curious. Do you have it shut off now?” 

“Yes, I think I could just miracle the others off now that I know how to do it, but we might as well do it this way so you can work on sensing where they are. Also I want to see the pictures on the other ones.” 

“What has the world come to, angel, where you’re tempted by technology?” Crowley sounded teasing but there was also that bit of pleasure at partner’s pleasure. 

Aziraphale huffed a little but smiled back at Crowley. “Just because I am a little slower to figure out the appeal doesn’t mean I don’t like technology. Printing is obviously my favorite and we’re both very fond of distillation. Things just seem to be going awfully fast right now and by the time I see the appeal, its on to next version of it already. Makes it a little hard to figure out what to appreciate.” 

“Well if it involves food, that’s much easier to convince you usually.” 

“Yes, yes, you lured me into the internet with recipes.2 Though I feel I should somehow also blame you for recipe blogs hiding the recipe among a page musing about how cardamom biscuits makes them feel about their marriage.” 

“I would never interfere with your ability to get a biscuit recipe.” 

* * *

They found the next camera a bit slower as they went to the general area that had been indicated and then let Crowley try and sense where it was before visually locating it. This one had much the same mix of birds and ghostly nighttime pictures of bats on it, with a few butterflies and moths having been big enough to trigger the camera. 

Last one was down in a seep filled with tall red speckled canes with large heart-shaped leaves. It grew so dense, that there was a very obvious path made to edge of water that had created perfect bottleneck for photographing animals coming down to drink. Crowley easily found it and then tried to describe what to feel for so Aziraphale could give it a go as well, but even with Crowley pointing directly at it, could only pick it out visually, not by intent. Aziraphale took that one down to check photos as well and focused on it, brows furrowed as he looked at it. “I don’t know how you can sense this at all. With no one else around, all I can feel is you. I can’t pick up anything from this unless I’m actually holding it.” 

“I’m still working out exactly how to do it myself, so we can try again when I have good enough grasp to try and teach you. Picking up anything is a good sign you can learn it eventually though.” 

“Do you really think so?” 

“Makes sense. We’re both of same stock. I had things stripped away, not added. So I shouldn’t have any abilities you don’t have some basic capacity for.” 

Aziraphale briefly looked pleased and then got a more somber look on face. “Crowley....” 

“What’s the matter? I don’t think that sort of sense is inherently demonic is all I’m getting at.” 

“Alright” 

“You’re making a face like its not.” Crowley sniffed slightly “You want to ask me something.” 

“It’s nothing.” 

Crowley grinned at him, a little bit of a predatory gleam there. “You can’t ask me to sniff out such subtle desires and then ignore it just pouring off you. Spill it.” 

Aziraphale shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. “Do you really feel like that? Like we were the same, but you’re now… less?” 

Crowley furrowed brows, looking perplexed by question. “I Fell. I did lose parts of me.” 

“Yes, but…” Aziraphale made frustrated noise. “We’re different but is it…. Does it bother you?” 

“That I lost things? Yes. Sometimes I have bad days. But it’s bothering you more right now.” 

“Its just so rare for you to refer to us as being fundamentally the same, and then you follow it up with things being stripped away… and you’ve been so worried about how people see us differently…” 

“We are different. Same basic stock, but we are different. I might have less in some areas, but I just make up for it with style.” 

“Crowley, I’m being serious.” 

“I am too. Look, you’re stronger than me.” he waved hand at Aziraphale as he started to reflexively protest. “Ah, no interrupting, let me finish. It’s not a bad thing. You can toss me, no problem. I want to give you a boost, I got to think about it. How to do it. Technique. I got to work at it, puzzle it out. So you can toss me, you don’t have to think about it. But which one of us does it so it’s actually helpful?” 

“I have kind of flipped you every time so you had to right yourself… ” 

“I still want you to do it anyway. I _like_ it.” He gave Aziraphale a grin that held a little heat behind it before continuing. “Sometimes being naturally good at something means you don’t realize you CAN do it better if you break it down and think about how you do it. Humans are real good at that. All those steps is how we get things like this.” as he pointed at camera. 

“So I have a bit less to work with in some areas, so to start out with, I had to work at it to keep up with you… but it means sometimes I can outpace you now, 'cause I picked it apart with questions and figured out how it worked. And sometimes that means I figured out how to use abilities in ways you didn’t even know they could be used. Like sensing lingering desires. But, I am willing to try to teach you, if you want that knowledge.” 

“Tempting me with forbidden knowledge now?” 

“Not forbidden really, demons are just shit at sharing usually. So we all do it really different cause we don’t really compare notes.. And I don’t think your former lot did either. If you were meant to do it, you’d have been made to do it perfect from day one, right?” 

“True…I did get reprimanded sometimes for doing things differently. More and more towards the end. I just got… sneaky.” 

Crowley chuckled. “You did. Brilliantly so. You’re magnificent.” Aziraphale flushed at that. This just made Crowley laugh harder. 

“I am a bit of a bad angel.” There was that hint of pride at being sneaky though, and Crowley was delighted at it. 

“Nah, you’re the only one worth knowing. I got reprimanded too, if it was extreme enough. But demons didn’t really have any actual idea of how things were supposed to work now until we did it a whole bunch of different ways and eventually enough did it the same way, that, well that must be right. And then I started ended up doing it “wrong way” all the time. Heaven just started with all the rules in place and then spent 6000 years learning to enforce them better and more harshly. Hell got to same point eventually, just took longer.” 

“It is such a relief to not have them looking in on us. I hope it stays this way.” 

“Me too. It’s nice just being us and not having people telling us we’re doing it wrong. Who knows better how to be us than us? Now we just have to avoid Earth getting locked into same sort of stagnation” 

“I think that was rather point of our current project, to cut down on anyone doing that.” 

Crowley huffed but looked pleased. “I do think you can learn to do some of what I do though. We had the Arrangement for centuries, so you’ve not starting from nothing. You’ve been practicing even if you didn’t realize it Probably why you can pick up anything even with me being right next to you.” 

“And what did you learn while doing all those blessings and miracles?” 

“Clever angel to realize it works both ways.” 

“I’m not sure what you could have learned though...” Aziraphale seemed to be thinking very hard about that. 

“You’ll figure out right question… with a little practice.” 

“I think you may be both more naturally talented in that area AND have more practice.” 

“See, and you were worried I felt I was less. Now show me how this actually works.” Aziraphale obliged and they flipped through card, finding a greater variety of larger animals. Still a great many birds but also some foxes, a family of badgers, and one they made faces at trying to figure out what it was. 

“I think its a very small deer.” 

“Its got fangs. That doesn’t seem normal” 

"We may not be the weirdest thing out here then." 3

All three having been taken care of now, they were as ready as they were going to be to continue on with survey. They walked back up path to clearer area where they would be able to take off cleanly. Crowley very specifically checked again for anyone watching and tried to pick up on any cameras that might be there but hadn't been listed on map. Nothing. Either that really was all of them, or it was too distant and subtle to pick up. 

Crowley pointed out a few larger animals that they thought Aziraphale might be able to pick up with a bit of focus, giving him vague direction and attitude to go on to try and sense them. Aziraphale shook head. “I think we need something closer and easier to start with. I’ve never been able to really pick up animals.” 

“We have lots of time. Let’s do what we came to do today. Since we found the seep, see if you can see where vegetation is different color. This is probably deepest part of the old irrigation channel, I just don’t know where that lines up on map exactly.” 

Aziraphale consulted old map. “This is quite long. If this is the far end, finding other end might take me out of your sight. It might be better if you came with me.” 

“Awful convenient I have my hair pinned up for that.” 

”It is. Do you feel up to it though?” 

“I feel…. better about it. I’m going to use a little miracle to turn eyes away from us, just in case.” 

“So you will fly with me today?” 

“Yes, on one condition.” 

“Anything.” 

“Toss me a little gentler.” 

“You’re going to have to instruct me in your technique then.” 

“I think I can manage that.” 

Crowley did just that. The main issue being Aziraphale favored one side a bit, so had a tendency to lift a little crooked. They made a dozen tries where he lifted Crowley up and let them just steady hands on shoulders afterward without taking off to let them get better balance. As he put Crowley down again, Crowley ran hands up from shoulders and into Aziraphale’s hair. “I’m torn between just having you pick me up like that a dozen more times and actually flying.” 

Aziraphale laughed at that and leaned in for a quick kiss. “Well good thing the ceilings in the flat are so high, as I may have to pick you up like this more often.” 

“That better be a promise.” 

“It is. Now, more practice, or flying?” 

“Well since you promised…. Flying. Give me a moment to double check since we’re been doing this for a little bit.” Crowley checked again and found no new eyes on them and that several animals that had been watching them had gotten bored and decided they were no threat and gone back to pursuing other activities. He could still sense presence of nearby camera they'd just turned off. “We’re still clear. So lift for for real this time.” 

“On three then.” It was the cleanest takeoff they’d managed so far. Crowley got out of way and then wheeled around so they could watch Aziraphale takeoff. In doing so realized they’d still been on relatively soft ground, so Aziraphale’s kickoff left a fairly clear imprint where footsteps just...stopped. It was worth tiny miracle to churn up ground enough that someone looking at tracks wouldn’t notice. But they filed it away for later reference to keep in mind when they were taking off or landing. There were just so many little ways that people could become curious… 

It had been drier and hotter than in past years, so the difference in vegetation between low ground closer to water table vs the slighter higher more parched vegetation made finding the old irrigation channel easy. Even with no water visible for most of it, the difference in foliage was obvious. 

Aziraphale focused on finding landmarks and spotted what might be old earthworks as well based on the color difference in vegetation. Crowley alternated between watching Aziraphale and keeping occult senses extended outward. They could feel the spike of panic from some animals as their shadows crossed over them. One more thing to consider if they wanted to stay unseen. The more you knew about how to shape miracle, the less power that had to be pushed into it and the more effective it was. Not that their sides had done anything to them since their trials, but making sure they didn’t overextend themselves unnecessarily had become a wise habit. 

Crowley gave themself a little shake midair to try and stop worrying so much. So far as they could tell no one was watching, except Aziraphale who was starting to seem a little concerned by Crowley’s thinking. Aziraphale made slow loop around and gestured with hand to indicate he wanted Crowley to aim for same thermal so they could fly closer together to talk. They still were practically yelling, but could make out words over sound of wind. They spiraled over rock outcropping. 

“Is something the matter?” 

“Just trying to feel things out and fly at same time takes a lot of concentration.” 

“That seems like it would be disorienting” 

“Don’t think I should try it by myself, or in rough weather. So long as I keep you close enough to see how your wings are set for what kind of conditions are coming up, I can do it. Reaction time is just slow. But it’s given me an idea for maybe teaching you later. Gotta think through details. But later. You got me up here, I should have some fun.” 

“What kind of fun?” 

“Catch? We’re getting good at it from ground, but this is very, very different.” 

“You handed me all weights, so I get to start then.” 

As Aziraphale had been dropping them previously, he at least could account for forward momentum as he’d released them. Crowley had thrown straight up from ground based on when he thought Aziraphale would pass over and Aziraphale had been able to adjust speed to catch them. With both moving, they were both terrible, though Aziraphale was slightly less so. But still bad. They spent as much time having to try and make a pass low and slow enough to grab them out of bush they’d caught in as actually throwing them. Quite a few times they ended up having to land and retrieve them before taking off again. Aziraphale always circled around to ask Crowley if they wanted him to land and help him off again, but they mostly declined. They might enjoy the boost, but getting in the practice of doing it from ground after so long not flying was a good idea. 

The game finally came to an end as Aziraphale tried to retrieve wild shot out of a tree and nearly fell out of sky as he found out a pair of adult ravens and several juveniles wanted nothing to do with some giant flying god-knows-what near their nest. Aziraphale was harried by the birds for a good minute before he figured out how to get away without hurting them. Crowley was laughing so hard at this, they nearly crashed into a rhododendron. They’d managed to only clip it with one wing, but it had thrown them enough off balance that they had to make a stumbling landing to avoid crashing into ground. But Aziraphale didn’t see that part, just Crowley sitting on ground afterward utterly breathless from laughing. 

Aziraphale came and joined him and sat down “I’m glad you’re enjoying this.” 

“I’d say I was sorry, but you should have seen yourself!” 

“You’re the one that snagged it in the tree!” 

“Not intentionally! I’m just terrible at this!” 

“We’re both terrible! I’m glad you had fun though.” 

“I hope you did too… at least for the parts where you didn’t get chased by birds.” 

“I did. We’re both an utter mess though. Your wings are a sight.” 

“What’s a matter with them?” Crowley flicked wings around and caught sight of a bunch of large, soft white flowers caught in trailing edge of wing along with a few twigs. Entire underside of wing he’d struck top of bush with had faint dusting of pale yellowish white pollen all across underside. 

“Close call?” 

“Yours was closer. But you’re mostly just ruffled.” 

“We should probably clean you up now, rather than leave it that way.” 

“Just a little, or I will fall asleep on you. You know how this goes.” 

“Full job when we get home. Right now, just get the twigs out.” 

They moved so they could sit facing each other, so Aziraphale could see underside of Crowley’s wings easier. He worked on removing obvious debris from Crowley’s strike and getting the worst of the ruffled feathers back in position. Crowley focused on getting Aziraphale’s primaries and the edges straight and smoothed back out as it gave them something to focus on so they didn’t doze off in the sun in contentment. They were still starting to nod off a little when Aziraphale decided he’d done enough. 

“That’s good enough for now. Otherwise I am carrying you back to the car. I will need to actually wash that wing when we get home. It’s a bit sticky. You do smell lovely though.” 

“I’ll finish yours when we get home.” 

“If you don’t fall asleep part way through.” 

“You know me too well.” 

“Come on then, up you get.” 

“We should at least do part of what we intended to do today.” 

“Oh, I did what I intended.” Aziraphale’s smile looked positively wicked. 

“I really should have been more suspicious about you doing my hair this morning.” 

“Yes, you should have.” 

“Good job.” Crowley’s answering smile was filled with fondness. “We did at least find irrigation ditch, so I just want the GPS coordinates for the ends and that’ll be enough for today. I think I really do need a hand up now. That was a lot. I FEEL that now.” 

“Are you sure this wing is fine?” Aziraphale ran hand over the still slightly soiled wing. 

“It’s not just the one side. All those fast, sharp turns, used parts I haven’t in awhile. I can feel it.” Crowley stretched out and made a distinct 'ooh' face as sore spot twinged. 

Aziraphale rolled neck and shoulders and spread wings again “Mmm, yes, I see what you mean. I’ve done more of that with having done more flying recently, but yes, oooh, there is a spot. It doesn’t hurt, I am just aware it exists now.” 

“Let me look and then we can get me reference points and then turn cameras back on.” Crowley expanded senses again to feel for things observing them. The ravens were still very aware they were there. Fortunately they didn’t have to go near them to take the map points. They weren't getting their weight back though. It was colorful and belonged to the ravens now. 

“We’re clear. Give me a boost, please.” Aziraphale obliged, though it was a sloppier take off than earlier as Crowley was tired. Still better than previous days. They got their two map coordinates and then put away wings. They walked back out, pausing in a few spots to mark out a bit more of path with string. They’d started walk back at seep to turn cameras on as they walked out. Aziraphale offered to do it by miracle to make it go faster, but Crowley had him do it the mundane way so he could take time to examine difference between it being off vs on when he definitely KNEW it had been turned on mundanely. In this case, he really couldn’t tell if there was a difference between on vs off. The intent to have it record was still wrapped around it by humans that had originally set it. Probably safest to assume if he felt it at all, it was on until examined or a miracle was used to ensure it was off. 

* * *

Once home, Aziraphale grabbed one of the kitchen chairs and dragged it to bedroom. “We could just do this in the kitchen…” 

“I’m not trying to get you and your wings through two doorways to get to the bedroom after you doze off” Aziraphale seemed amused rather than annoyed by this. 

Crowley huffed "so much for promising to pick me up." but switched to pajama pants and then settled backwards on chair, wings spread. Aziraphale had meanwhile gone for a towel and plant mister to work on cleaning off underside of Crowley’s wing. Between moistening it up to remove pollen and Crowley then lazily flapping wing to speed drying, their bedroom ended up smelling as if they’d brought the rhododendron home with them. 

Crowley made contented little noises as Aziraphale worked on preening wings and only made a slight little protest at being roused enough to transfer to bed once wing was dry. “S’not fair you just doing me.” 

“You needed extra work today. Sometimes you get to receive without giving.” Crowley started to grumble at that, but Aziraphale had started in on small feathers across back and Crowley just melted into pillow instead and was quickly asleep. 

NOTES 

1\. The birders had several theories on the difference in wing coloration between the two, all of which were wrong and none of which involved demons which is why they were wrong Back

2 Aziraphale actually rather enjoyed certain parts of the internet, but enjoyed letting Crowley think he used it just for recipes and email correspondence even more. Though the demon had his suspicions… Back

3\. It was a perfectly mundane water deer they later found out. Not native to the UK, but a known introduced species. It was amazing how far things could travel when free to roam.Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> exact location made up but plausible for area. The water deer and a little googling should tell you what side of London they are on!
> 
> Also, yes, that is a water deer in my icon.
> 
> Next time: learning stuff! Aziraphale has some ideas about what Crowley learned during Arrangement! Crowley gets several hugs from children!
> 
> Next chapter probably will get posted sept. 9th, as I am away at a booksale this coming weekend.  
RELATED: I am a book dealer! If you are having trouble finding your textbooks at a price that doesn't make you cry, message me over on tumblr or Twitter (I'm FenrisLorsrai there too) or godforbid facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/rainydaypaperback/ ) with ISBN of books you need and what country you live in and I'll send you link to where you can get book for lowest price!


	3. Just be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Temptation accomplished?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter go ridiculously long, so get this short scene got pulled out as its own chapter.

Crowley woke warm and comfy, with a weight on one shoulder and wing being slowly stroked. They made a sleepy noise and weight was removed. “Were you using me as a book stand again?” 

“No, this time I was using you as a lap desk so I could make notes.” Crowley currently had his nose firmly burrowed into Aziraphale’s side, so they could get arms around him. Aziraphale had one leg wrapped over Crowley’s leg, probably to stop them from squirming. 

“What were you making notes on? Other than ON me.” 

“They are on you, actually. And me as well. I thought writing down what temptations and blessings we’d done for each other would give me basis for figuring out what we might have learned. Then I’ll label them by type and compare which types we gave each other over time. I think that even if we weren’t actively trying to teach each other, once we’d been at it for awhile, we had a sense of which ones were within each other’s capabilities and which were not.” 

“You HAVE been busy while I’ve just been sleeping.” 

“You do so enjoy it though.” Aziraphale ran hand along Crowley’s wing where it met body. “You’re not stiff are you?” 

Crowley carefully stretched out wings and then folded them away into nothing. “No. It’s nice sleeping with them out. I believe I owe you a proper grooming though.” 

“You owe me nothing.” 

“You were clear on that. But I like taking care of you.” Crowley rubbed his cheek against Aziraphale’s side. “Let me.” 

“Put that way, I can hardly deny you that. However, I am at the shop today, so I don’t think you can do them before I was going to get going.” 

“I got them half done before we came home. So I could do the rest in the kitchen while you eat breakfast.” 

“That does sound very tempting....” 

“S’what I do. Just mostly use my wiles on you now.” 

“Perhaps I should thwart them for old times sake…” 

“I’ll go make tea then and prepare for a proper thwarting.” Aziraphale huffed at that as Crowley slid out of bed with a wicked little grin. 

Aziraphale made the bed and packed up the notebooks he’d been writing in to take with him to the bookstore to work on some more. Aziraphale left his pajama top in the bedroom and came to the kitchen shirtless and flipped around the kitchen chair to sit on it backwards at the table. 1 Crowley handed him tea while he finished getting toast done and put it and butter in easy reach, along with a bowl of strawberries. Crowley came around behind him and ran their hands over his shoulders. “Alright, wings out now that I won’t be bumping into them.” 

Aziraphale rolled his neck slightly and then extended his wings. There was a slight little hitch in them as he stretched out. Crowley dug fingers in at the base of wings where they connected to shoulders and Aziraphale made a deep pleased noise. This encouraged Crowley to focus on that area for now. 

“You feel stiff. I should have finished yours first last night instead of falling asleep.” There was a hint of guilt in their voice. 

“Nonsense. I didn’t even notice until I pulled them back out. I probably would have been fine if I’d left them out a bit longer. Flying again is still fairly new. So just having them out when I’m not using them at all, that may take a bit to get used to. You seem to have gotten that part down.” 

“Sleeping with them out… been millennia since I did that. That’s all your influence.” Crowley moved to stroking hand along back, getting the small feathers there resettled 

“Me?” There was no teasing there, Aziraphale seemed genuinely surprised. 

“Yeah, you.” They moved from back to straightening coverts on one wing. Their hands were light and sure, while words were halting as they tried to gather their thoughts. “You sleep so rarely… you never seem to fall asleep unless I’m still awake...it seems so hard for you for some reason, like you can’t actually rest…” 

Aziraphale hunched slightly, trying to pull wings in closer, but Crowley held the wing with one hand so he’d have to actively pull away. They ran hand along the outer edge, pulling it back out again and stepping to the side so Aziraphale could see them. “You’ll sit in bed with me while I sleep, which I love, but actually sleeping… that seems hard for you.” 

Aziraphale twitched again and stared into his tea like it had all the answers in it. “It is.” 

Crowley continued on, hands light on wings, just enough pressure to straighten feathers into position and no more. “So anytime you sleep, I know you’re either so exhausted you have to or are really trying for my sake. I appreciate that. Trying. So that first time you went out flying and then fell asleep while I was grooming your wings… you were tired, but not exhausted. And it didn’t seem like you were trying… you just slept. And you look…you’re so vulnerable like that....” 

Crowley could feel sudden tension under hand and a slight bit of disorienting otherness as if Aziraphale was about to snap wings back out of reality. Then the wing was extended slightly, pushing it firmly into the palm of their hand. There was still that tension there, but he was _trying_. 

Crowley squeezed muscles underneath slightly, just enough to be grounding and then went back to gently straightening feathers. “I don’t think you let anyone else touch you like this.” 

“No. It’s too…” Slight twitch of wing under hand. “Just you. I’m not even good at taking care of them myself, I always rushed. Nervous. I got worse with time." 

“And you wouldn’t sleep with anyone else there.” 

“Definitely not.” A more distinct shudder. 

“Doing both together… that’s a lot. I’d never done both with you before that, even with all the times I slept by you over the years and now with grooming each other’s wings… There was still that little bit of...reserve. It didn’t hit me ‘til later how big a deal that was for you. Sometimes you go so much faster than I ever expect I don’t even realize you did something until later. It didn’t even occur to me to try that. But once done… I didn’t know I could look that peaceful. So that I can still fall asleep like that even with as worried as I’ve been… Got you to thank.” Crowley inhaled slightly and trailed hand along Aziraphale’s wing as they stepped back behind him. They started working on the wing on the other side, stroking fingers through feathers where they connected to the body. They leaned down and kissed skin just above the point of attachment which made Aziraphale gasp. 

“Sorry. Too much?” 

“No, no, just… surprised.” He tipped head back and extended hand back up over shoulder, wiggling fingers slightly so Crowley would lean forward and put their face against palm. He curled fingers against their head and pulled gently. Crowley leaned over so Aziraphale could look up at their face. 

“I meant it. Just you.” Brows furrowed as he searched for words. “You tempt me in ways I need to be tempted. So I can just… be me.” 

Crowley leaned down and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Sniffed and rubbed their hand across their eyes. Aziraphale flushed and pulled his head back down. He took his hand back so he could pick up tea, taking a mouthful so as to not have to speak. Crowley went back to straightening the second wing, this time staying where Aziraphale would have to actively turn head to see them. 

“You…ngk.” Hands twisted a little and rumpled feather they’d just straightened. Crowley worked on finishing the wing with several more false starts on speaking and hands twisting and undoing what they’d just done. Aziraphale was quiet, intensely focused on breakfast so as to not speak, but every time Crowley pulled feather a bit out of position or twisted a little too hard, he shifted just a little to push the wing back into Crowley’s hands. Which gradually stilled Crowley’s hands back to gentleness. They finished up but just left hands resting on the wing, just steadying themself. 

“I think… I think we feel the same, but I need… I need to tell you to your face. To all of you. With words. Can you turn around?” Aziraphale nodded and waited until Crowley took hand off his wing before pushing himself up out of the chair, turning around carefully so as to avoid bumping wings into the chair or table. 

Crowley had backed up to give him space and had brought their own wings back out. They stepped back close and reached for Aziraphale’s hands, running thumbs over his knuckles. They looked down at hands for a moment, hands a little shaky, before looking at Aziraphale’s face. “You make me feel safe. To just be. To not have to read you and be something… to be something you desire. I can just be. Because you already wanted me. Just me. That’s why I thought you didn’t want me for so long. You didn’t desire things _from_ me. You just wanted _me_, but more… me. That’s what you desired, when you let yourself want. And I want that for you too. I think that’s what you meant? That I tempted you like that? To be more you?” 

“Oh.” Aziraphale had this shocked look as if the world had suddenly narrowed down to a very small point somewhere in Crowley’s eyes. 

“Oh?!? That's all?” Crowley’s anxiety was back full force and their voice was high. 

“Yes. Yes that.” Aziraphale gave hands a tug to pull Crowley in and wrap his arms around their waist and kiss them along their jaw line and up to their ear. “You had the words I wanted and couldn’t find.” He slid hands lower and then hiked Crowley off ground, so he could kiss them directly above racing heart. “Thank you.” 

Crowley looked down at him, resting hands on shoulders, and was suddenly breathless. “Angel, how are you so bad at words?” 

Aziraphale looked up at them, equally breathless. “I’m full of other people’s words. Her Word. I’m so full of words sometimes I can’t find the words **I** want. Words for what **I** feel. Just keep sorting through them all ‘til suddenly I recognize them as mine too.” 

“Oh…. oh angel… That sounds… that sounds exhausting… but like you found just enough of your own words to tell me.” They cupped Aziraphale’s face in hands. “We’re both such a mess. But we’re _trying._” 

“I love your mess. And your trying.” This got Crowley another kiss over heart. 

“You really _do_.” They leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. “But I think we want to be less of a mess? And more of us?” 

“Yes. Oh yes.” 

“We tell each other so much without words, we’ll figure out the words part eventually. 

“Let me tell you things now....” Aziraphale curled wings around them both so tips brushed against the bottom of Crowley’s feet where they were hiked off ground. He kissed up their chest and into the pulse in their throat. 

Crowley curled his wings forward so the edges of feathers brushed against the outside of Aziraphale’s wings. “I have things to tell you too then…” 

There were very few _words_ after that, but they made themselves understood anyway. 

Aziraphale did NOT open the shop that day. 

**NOTES**

1\. The kitchen chairs were conveniently just the right height for them to comfortably rest arms on the back while getting wings groomed. It was _mostly_ accidental. But that they could be sat on in backwards comfortably was all on Crowley. When they’d gone shopping for a kitchen table and chairs, he’d draped himself all over the chairs in increasingly weird positions to make sure they were comfortable for someone who had a questionable grasp of how you were supposed to sit on a chair.Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're disasters. But they're TRYING.
> 
> Whether they're also making An Effort... ???????? There's a cut there for a reason.
> 
> Original chapter 3 just got really, really long thus the split. It does NOT contain a sex scene, so you get no answer to that Effort question! It does have have several hugs for Crowley, more exploring how their powers actually work, and how that effects them.
> 
> \--------------  
I have returned from the booksale with about 250 pounds of books to sort. You can see some of the terrible things I returned with over on Instagram @rainydaypaperback


	4. So many questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They discuss some of their past miracles. Crowley has some suspicions that Aziraphale is a lot better at shared skills than he's been letting on... or may just not realize he is. 
> 
> Time to deal with the birders. Anxiety for everyone! (there's a mild panic attack in here, a a fair warning)
> 
> They both need a hug and receive several, though they probably have more things they Really Need to Talk About.
> 
> Also, female presenting Crowley for part of this. For all the anxiety in here, only 5% is about gender presentation. Hooray!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who likes wildly inconsistent chapter lengths?
> 
> Me.
> 
> This almost doubled the word count.

Aziraphale was currently at the shop after Crowley had dropped him off and headed off to run errands. This included a stop at the farmer’s market to replenish their own supplies and so they would not arrive empty handed at meeting with the little software firm they’d hired to make sense of all the records and maps they had arranged to have digitized earlier in year. Arriving with snacks worked just as well on software engineers as it did on Aziraphale. It also encouraged them to always schedule in person meetings with them instead of conference calls, which they never wanted to have another one of ever again. 1

The meeting had gone well and firm had shown them a basic version of the software to make sure it contained all the features they were looking for. Crowley had requested some additional custom functions be added on top, but was overall happy with work. Next demo they would have to take Aziraphale along to make sure interface was relatively intuitive and NOT what a demon would design at all. Old habits were hard to break and they wanted to actually use this easily themselves, so Aziraphale would get to discourage Crowley from suggesting things that would frustrate them later.

They were deeply tempted to go to bookshop and sprawl on the couch for rest of day, but they had something to do at flat while Aziraphale was out.

Crowley hadn’t touched the packet on bioblitz since Aziraphale had read the note from the birding club. It had been banished to their desk for the last week, Crowley too agitated to read the note directly. Having gone out and verified the camera situation had calmed their nerves a great deal and the day in with Aziraphale even more so. Now they wanted to read the note themself, much as they’d examined cameras.

They read through the packet normally first as they hadn’t finished it first time. They didn’t touch the note. Crowley then shifted senses slightly to see what sort of desire had been attached to printed packet, if any. Whatever might have been attached to it originally had been largely obscured by their own desires. They couldn’t get a sense of their own from the pages they’d held that first time, just that it had obliterated what had once been there. Aziraphale had similarly obscured the pages he’d read so the highlighted section “Some species might be omitted from the public version of the bioblitz report to protect them” gave off strong impression that Aziraphale wanted to believe this was true. Wanted to be _safe_. Crowley suspected the note itself might have been similarly muddled, but that had been handwritten so it was more likely to have the original intent attached if they focused enough. 

Still there was likely some contamination of the item, so as with the cameras, they let more of serpent bleed through to human form. White of eyes vanished, tongue forked, and scales crept across flesh. Crowley picked up the handwritten note to focus on it as they read words, trying to pick up writer’s desire. Aziraphale’s desires had left a muddled impression on note as he’d cycled through several things as he’d read note. Crowley picked them apart and then discarded them each in turn to focus on the writer. Why had they sent note? What had they _wanted? _

The primary impression was just that the writer wished to see them. They wanted the invitation to come to be accepted. Crowley couldn’t tell why, just an earnest desire to see them. It dredged up memories of early in Arrangement when Aziraphale would send them bafflingly opaque letters full of poetry. The angel wouldn’t have sent them a letter if he didn’t want _something_, but _what_ had been utterly baffling at the time. 

Which had generally resulted in Crowley tracking Aziraphale down for an in person meeting, though it often involved an annoying bit of searching for Aziraphale’s scent once he got to area since no meeting point was specified. So as short as this note was, this was at least clear on that. The writer wanted them to come to the bioblitz. To _see_ them. To see _them_. To _know._

Crowley put note down and withdrew senses back, shaken. They knew their own weaknesses and this appealed to the two desires they were weakest to: curiosity and to be wanted. How many times had they spent reading and rereading Aziraphale’s cryptic correspondence, trying to figure out what he _wanted_ until they started to feel they could _read_ the angel somehow at a distance and that often the answer to ”what does he want?” was that he simply wanted Crowley. Which had of course been ridiculous and just what they wanted to feel, _needed_ to feel, not what angel actually _wanted_. Clearly he just _wanted_ Crowley to fulfill their part of the Arrangement. Until such point as it started to come with the more detailed impression of when and where Aziraphale wished to see him and it had been _right._

Things suddenly snapped together and Crowley very much needed a drink. They went to liquor cabinet and opted for an open bottle of rather disappointing scotch that had been hanging around for awhile. The alcohol being the important part, not the actual taste right now. They poured themself a glass, took a large mouthful, and then started to pick up bottle to take it with them to other room and paused and just topped up glass and put bottle back in the cabinet. If they needed more to take edge off, they could come back for it. Having it in hand was a recipe for ending up way more drunk than they were aiming for. They’d done enough of that over years and they did need to pick up Aziraphale from shop later.

Crowley settled back in throne at desk and just stared at the papers. They’d had some idea of when they’d started to be able to pick up lingering desires but they had been so busy with all the things Hell had wanted done that terrible century, that it had somewhat snuck up on them with no clear idea of how they’d learned it at all, just that it was damned useful and more so as they practiced. Correspondence had been first thing they’d learned to use it on reliably, that they remembered. Aziraphale had _made_ them practice with his damn confusing letters. He had accidentally taught them in the first place, it seemed. Had it been accidental? Aziraphale had seemed surprised to pick up desire from camera. But he had anyway. 

Crowley worked through the glass of scotch as they mentally reviewed everything Aziraphale had said about own perceptions at various points. He’d been much more forthcoming of late, but there’d been little bits over centuries as well… which if Crowley asked for clarification he had often been walked back with “perhaps…” or “I think…” to make them seem less like statements and more speculation. Crowley didn’t feel like they’d expressed doubt at their accuracy, just confusion, which had then resulted in Aziraphale passing them off as uncertainties. Yet Aziraphale relied on them to perceive such things and just accepted it...

Crowley circled back around to conversation about the both of them being reprimanded for doing things differently and Aziraphale getting sneaky. He’d certainly had Crowley do a great many things for him that offered him plausible deniability. Now how many times had he asked Crowley to try and read or perceive things he knew were already there and just had been trained not to acknowledge? Or been actively reprimanded for daring to mention? Had he been asking for reassurance of his own perceptions? This seemed like it might be a lot less about teaching the angel so much as tempting him. Or perhaps coaxing was more accurate, which Aziraphale was quite good at, especially where it came to Crowley. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

* * *

Crowley sauntered into bookshop five minutes before closing, to find Aziraphale carefully working on notes about various temptations and blessings. “Oh there you are! I was expecting you to be by after your meeting. Did it run long?”

“Nah, I went back to flat and spent afternoon figuring out what a clever bastard you are.”

Aziraphale huffed at them. “Was the bastard part really necessary?”

“I think so. Now how MUCH of a bastard, that I’m not sure about.” Crowley leaned in to give Aziraphale kiss on cheek and gestured at notes. “Your project here might answer that.”

“Really now, what did I do?”

“You’re clever, you’ll figure it out.”

“Now you’re just teasing.”

“Nope. You’re quite clever and I like it, even when you use your wiles on me.”

“I believe wiles are your area of expertise.”

“And sneaky is yours, you bad angel.”

"You are the sneaky one.”

“I’m the snakey one.” Aziraphale groaned at that. “And you very much called yourself sneaky t’other day.” Crowley slid down sunglasses to look over them at Aziraphale. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone” It got another humph from Aziraphale at that.

“You seem in a good mood.”

"I might enjoy having you using your wiles on me. Just hadn’t realized you were, so delayed reaction and admiration for the sneakiness that it took me this long to notice made me extra appreciative.”

“I feel you are now using yours on me.”

“Might be. Was planning on making you dinner too.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to tell me your whole plan up front.”

“Yeah, but see, if I do, and you succumb to my wiles anyway, its extra satisfying.”

“Hmmmm. What were you planning on making for dinner?”

“Got artichokes at the farmer’s market.”

“I would say your wiles are very effective then. Though I would like to ask you some questions about your wiles…”

“Oh really?”

“About your older ones. I have either forgotten details of some of what we did, or you didn’t actually tell me details at time. I had just got to that whole incident in Suffolk with the hellhound…”

“I am sorry about that one. Also still mad at Hassssstur.” The hiss was one of pure annoyance, rather than fear.

“I thought mad at Hastur was your default state.”

“S’true. But I am personally insulted that they did not think a giant snake was scary enough. We could have a nice public thwarting with lots of witnesses convinced their side won while nobody got hurt, but no, Hastur thinks snakes aren’t scary enough on their own so has to add a hellhound without telling me. Rude.”

”Miracle more people didn’t die, really. I know you helped, I just don’t know how much.”

“Mmm, a bit.”

Aziraphale gave them A Look as they headed towards door to close up. “More than “a bit.””

“You were busy with smiting. And its not much use going with full on demonic manifestation if nobody lives to tell the tale.”

“Is that what you put in report?”

“It mostly worked. Lied a bit about exactly how the steeple fell down. But the hound wasn’t going to contradict my story.”

“Heaven was rather happy with the smiting so it worked out. I still want details of what you did, so I can figure out patterns.”

"You take notes, I'll cook.”

* * *

Aziraphale spent much of the evening having Crowley fill him in on details of various times they’d lost flip and ended up with various miracles to perform. Early on in Arrangement, both had been much more forthcoming with details in what they’d done both because they didn’t quite implicitly trust the other to do exactly what had been asked and they had been concerned their sides would check in and quiz them about their activities. As time had passed and their trust had grown, and neither side actually checked, they’d said less about the actual details. They’d talked about the memorable or interesting ones, but the more routine and mundane ones that were more clearly WORK, they’d glossed over. Some Crowley genuinely just didn’t remember anymore. “I don’t know, angel, it was just a standard baby blessing? Here you go, don’t let the water or an infected cut kill you. Not much you do there that doesn’t have potential to go really wrong down the road some day if you put much more in it than “make it to the point where you have a personality”. 

“You LIKE children though, I expected you’d remember.”

“I do, when the can talk. Babies are cute and they smell pretty great, but kids are much more fun to bless and do it right. Always liked when I got those.”

“I may have given you those more often than anything else, once I trusted nothing bad would happen.”

“What did you think I was going to do to kids?” Crowley sound a bit offended. 

“Nothing intentional. But there might have been long term consequences from being blessed by a demon.”

“And an angel blessing babies with more detail than required never had any consequences.”

“They were usually good ones.”

“I really do like the saxophone.” 

“USUALLY”

* * *

Crowley did still need to make a decision about whether they wanted to go to this event or not. Aziraphale would likely agree to go if they wanted to, so that wasn’t an issue. It was really just deciding if they actually wanted to go or had been tempted to go from examining the note. Temptation was great when it happened to _other people_, but Crowley (mostly) knew what sorts of temptations led them personally into trouble and this was right up there. Curiosity fed curiosity and Crowley very much wanted to be wanted, even if they got hurt in the process. 

They went out for another day in the field and that finally settled Crowley on wanting to go. The whole event was largely about seeking knowledge which they heartily approved of. They likely would have gone if invited as a normal human. Dealing with birding group’s curiosity to know would likely bring them all kinds of anxiety and panic, while the rest of day of being surrounded by people curious about world would bring them deep satisfaction. They felt like it would balance off and they’d be able to handle the bad parts. Aziraphale was right, they were going to get seen again at some point, they might even need to purposely tell people in near future, and this would be good practice. Anxiety inducing practice.

“Aziraphale, can you handle texting organizer that we’re coming? I’m afraid I’ll change mind repeatedly if I can do it. If I go through you, you get chance to slow me down and see if I really mean it or its just fleeting panic.”

“Of course, dear. I’ll forward you any relevant info she gives me. I know packet said there was a family portion geared to kids, did we want to send the info to the Them?”

“That makes it less likely I’ll back out if we invite them. I’d feel obligated to go.”

“We can not if you don’t want the additional pressure.”

“I’m having you do the texting so I don’t back out. I want to go, I’m just anxious.”

“I’ll text the organizer and you can text the kids. If you really feel you can’t deal with meeting people, we can always opt to just go to the family portion later in the day and skip the expert part in morning."

“Yeah. That’ll work.”

* * *

“Dear, the organizer wants to know what our specialty is, what do you want me to tell her besides surveying?”

“Plants and snakes for me? Research for you?”

“That sounds accurate. And did you want a sandwich?”

“I’m going to be too nervous to eat.”

“Watercress is one of the options.”

“Tempting… but I am definitely going to be too stressed to eat. No sandwich.”

* * *

“The kids think they can come, but they don’t know what adult will bring them. But they’re pretty sure they can come.”

“Wonderful. It will be nice to see them. I know we planned to see them once term was over, but it will be nice to see them early.”

“You could always come on field trip with me. They always need more chaperones…”

“That is how they got you. I have seen that trap.”

“You’d have fun.”

“Dear, you have been suckered into going on field trips that don’t involve the Them now.”

“You’ve met Pepper’s sister!”

“How many kids are you going to adopt?”

“She’s adorable and I like the planetarium.”

* * *

The evening before bioblitz Crowley was trying to pick out an outfit as they were getting up well before dawn to make sure they met the birders. Having an outfit laid out would let them sleep in a bit longer. Aziraphale was sitting in bed reading one of his prophecy books and occasionally refolding some article of clothing that Crowley dropped on bed as a reject. Aziraphale was starting to think the entire contents of Crowley’s wardrobe was currently out. Crowley seemed to be dithering between two wildly different looks. One was all tight-cut and dark colors that would make them look even sharper and more angular than they already did. They’d picked boots with the highest heel they had to make themself even taller. The other outfit involved a brightly patterned skirt that had been a gift from Anathama but Crowley hadn’t been able to settle on an appropriate top and had now reached point where they were looking at pictures of tops on phone to start miracling other clothes as possibilities.

“Dear, you may be overthinking this. You could just wear what we normally wear for working outside.”

“But we’re meeting those people. I want to look different. Make impression _I_ want, not what was accidental.” Crowley turned around to look at Aziraphale. “Wait, what are you wearing?"

“I’m wearing the other pair of jeans you got me and the shirt we got at that little shop on the way home the other day. No bowtie. I am going to try looking casual.” Slight tone there indicating Crowley might try the same.

“I’m not as anxious as I was originally, but I’m still nervous. Right clothes would make me feel better.”

“Do you want help then?”

“Can’t make it worse.”

“Well your two main impulses seem to be reverting to “I am a very scary demon” and one you haven’t quite worked out, other than warm and feminine.”

Crowley looked at the two partially assembled outfits and started to deny it but then gave up. “It’s easy for you! You look like…” he waved hands at Aziraphale. “Like that!”

“Like what?”

“Soft. You don’t even have to pull the “be not afraid” thing when appearing to people.”

“I can be quite frightening when I choose.” There was quite a bit of sharpness to tone.

“But you don’t choose to! You picked this and you wear it just like your coat. It’s all warm and comfy and looks like you live in it and love it. You just look… good. In every sense.”

“Is that what you want to look like?”

“I don’t know! Maybe! I know what I’m comfortable looking like when I’m uncomfortable!” They pointed at the dark outfit laid out “Can’t be scared looking like that!”

“But you don’t want to look like that either.”

“It’s familiar. Safe. But I know if you scare people too much they react badly. I’m just tired.” They sat down on bed by Aziraphale and let the angel pull them over to rest head on his chest.

“I see. If you scare people away first, they can’t reject you.” 

“Stop being insightful.”

“You made quite a lot of friends in last two years. More than I have. I may look soft and inviting, but you actually put effort into being people’s friend. I have a lot more acquaintances, but most of the friends we have, YOU made.”

“But they don’t KNOW.”

“The Them most certainly know and they adore you. You are possibly the coolest person they know.”

“Shut it.”

“Which one of us gets hugged first?”

“Ngk.”

“How about I pick out an outfit for you?”

“I still get to say no if I don’t like it.”

“Of course.”

“Let me up then. And go get me some of your other sets of glasses to choose from.”

Crowley reluctantly got up and Aziraphale gave them slight swat on backside. “Go on”

Aziraphale picked out a more practical outfit for tromping around country than either of Crowley’s original choices. The black skinny jeans Crowley had originally selected stayed, but none of the rest of that outfit. Their usual hiking boots replaced the ones with heels. Aziraphale pulled out a simple short green racerback. When Crowley returned, there were several choices of underthings laid out next to outfit. “I wasn’t sure what type of effort you were going to go with, if any.” 

“That’s YOUR shirt.” Crowley pointed at last item picked, a simple but elegant white collared shirt that was buttery soft from it being worn so often.

“Yes, I know."

“That’s too big for me.”

“Put on the rest.”

Crowley grumbled slightly but got on with it while Aziraphale looked over glasses Crowley had returned with. Crowley checked themself in mirror. It was pleasant enough outfit, but kind of dull by their standards.

Aziraphale held up his shirt for them to slide into. “Don’t button it.”

“I’m telling you, this is way too big, angel.” 

“Here.” Aziraphale came around front and took trailing edges of shirt and tied them together around Crowley’s waist. Then rolled up the sleeves above elbow.

“I still look like I’m wearing your shirt.”

“That is rather the point, dearest.”

Crowely inhaled and caught Aziraphale’s cologne. “It smells like you.”

“Mmmhhmmm.” Aziraphale sounded far too pleased that Crowley had noticed that. “I think maybe just tie your hair back with a ribbon to keep it out of face. And one of these two sets of sunglasses.” Crowley tried them each on and checked out how they looked. Aziraphale indicated they should take the smaller, more delicate ones without the side piece.

“I don’t think I would have picked this myself, but its doing its job of making me feel better. It’s all your shirt, really.” 

Aziraphale smiled. “I thought it might.

“You don’t think looking more feminine is going to be a problem?”

“Is it how you want to be seen?”

“Yeah. This is also me.”

“Then anyone that doesn’t like it is the one with the problem, not you. Now let’s get this back off you and hang it up for morning. Do you think you can get to sleep now?”

“Will you read aloud for a bit?”

“Of course.”

* * *

Despite the prep in evening, Crowley was still a bit put out in morning by the existence OF morning. Aziraphale shoved Crowley’s favorite travel mug of tea in a hand stuck out from under covers and now they couldn’t roll back over to sleep. But there was tea, so the morning was slightly less terrible immediately. Crowley took a moment deciding how they felt about today and adjusted things slightly before picking out appropriate underthings to go with outfit. Swapped out the plain belt Aziraphale had picked for much flashier snake belt. They took a look in mirror. That was more like it, but still a little plain. 

They looked at rolled up sleeves and bare forearms and went to dresser and pulled out little box with a minor miracle wrapped around it and started to pick through contents to decide what to add and then decided NOT to decide and just started putting on the entire contents, just separating them by age. Pre-Apocalypse on left, post on the right.

Another look in the mirror, now with forearms hidden under riot of inexpertly made bracelets gifted her and she caught herself genuinely smiling. That, THAT, was right outfit. She grabbed her phone and took a quick picture of left arm and sent off a picture with a simple note saying “I kept them all.”

She grabbed a hairbrush and a ribbon before heading to kitchen. “Is there more tea?”

“Not a full cup, but enough to top you up. Did you want any food?”

“Just to steal some of yours.”2

Aziraphale obligingly offered the plate and his own fork. Crowley stole part of a sausage and a single bite of toast with marmalade before settling down to brush out her hair.

“How long ‘til we need to leave?”

“About ten minutes. I let you sleep as long as I thought I could.”

“I just need help with tying shirt a little tighter and getting my hair back and I’m ready.”

“Do you feel alright?”

“Pretty good so far, I’m not quite awake enough to worry yet.” Aziraphale finished up breakfast and came around behind Crowley, helping gather up her hair and tie it back, carefully making sure to capture as many errant strands as possible. He looped arm around her waist and gave her a slight squeeze before adjusting how the shirt was tied, making it a bit tighter. It was still light enough to not interfere with breathing, but snug enough to be reminder of where Aziraphale’s arm had been around her a moment before.

The two looked each other over. Aziraphale had indeed tried to look casual with jeans and woven belt along with a soft, blue checked short-sleeve button up shirt. The pocket watch hooked to jeans and a monogrammed handkerchief in shirt pocket kept it from looking too casual. Crowley took a moment to run hands over his bare forearms. “You look very solid and well put together. I like this casual look on you.”

“And you look lovely. How do you want to be referred to today?”

“As yours.” Aziraphale huffed slightly at that but seemed pleased.

The last of the tea went in the travel mug and they got going. 

After being out at the property alone so many times, it was a surprise to find the pull off with other cars in it and someone with torch to direct people how to park so as not to block people in. The teen that had gotten that job stared at the Bentley for a moment trying to figure out what to do. “Um… I don’t want to get your car bogged down in the grass... hang on…” He started to trot off along the dirt track to look for a firmer spot along edge.

Crowley leaned out window. “Don’t worry, we’ve been out here before, let me put her where we usually do and you can start new row around her.” Crowley pointed in the direction she was going and teen scrambled out of the way to give her plenty of room to park. Once the engine was off he came trotting back over.

“Can I take some pictures?”

“Sure.”

He took several pictures of the Bentley and asked a bunch of questions about specifications that Crowley answered while Aziraphale got out and retrieved the satchel full of field guides from back seat. Crowley got out and let the teen lean into driver’s side briefly to snap a few pictures of interior.

“Thanks so much, ma’am. She’s beautiful!” Teen looked delighted and then snapped back to what he was supposed to be doing “Oh right, right, you been here before, you said?” Crowley nodded. Teen pointed. “Take that path through copse and right fork, there should be flag there, and meet up point is up by the boundary stone.”

“Thanks.” Teen nodded and started jogging back towards road as another car pulled in. From number of cars already parked, there were more people than Crowley had been expecting to have to deal with, but welcome had at least started things out on a positive note. Crowley stared off in direction indicated for meet up.

Aziraphale slipped hand into hers. “You ready?”

“Are you?” Aziraphale brought hand up and kissed her knuckles as answer and then started along path. Once they were in motion, Crowley took over guiding them as her senses were much better in light this low. It was a familiar route they’d helped lay out, but in predawn gloom, seemed somehow very new and a bit daunting. Someone had left a small light at the turn with the flag, so it was easy to spot. Only a minute or so of walking and they came out of copse and into the field area to see group of people milling about a bit, with soft murmur of hushed voices and hand shaking and occasional shoulder pat indicating introductions were being made. A few people’s faces were lit by soft glow of phone screens as they showed someone something on there.

Crowley let Aziraphale take over lead on walking so she could turn occult sense on group ahead, just in case anyone did mean them harm. She sensed Aziraphale’s desire first, for things to go smoothly and for Crowley to be able to relax and stop worrying after this event. Crowley leaned into him for a moment to pick up the subtler thread of desire that Aziraphale wanted to be safe, to stop being frightened, and that he most of all didn’t want Crowley to know he was frightened. Crowley gave him brief squeeze of hand.

“What’s that for?”

“We’ll be alright.” She gave him kiss on cheek before releasing hand. “Now I’m going to be looking, so you do talking when we get there.”

Crowley tuned out Aziraphale, easier now that she wasn’t touching him, and picked up faint whisper of lingering desire from own outfit. The clearest was Aziraphale’s desire to help her feel as if she was seen in the way she wished.

The bracelets on left arm were a blur of slowly refining desires. The oldest merely wanting attention and praise for the gift, the ones in middle a more complicated desire to express love and have it reflected back in slightly different form, and the newest one that perhaps, perhaps this would make her stay. She almost had, but there had been so many other things pulling her away. It was a grounding reminder that sometimes no explanation could be given or accepted.

The collection on right had all come from newer friends, mostly the Them, as a memento of an outing together. They all were imprinted with a similar desire to see her again, but lacking in specifics as the one giving it hadn’t know what sort of relationship they wanted yet, if any. And she could be very, very patient with that. She almost took Aziraphale’s hand again, and she could see him tilt head slightly, as if picking up something, so she gathered herself together and shifted focus clearly towards group ahead.

She flitted attention between each person for a quick impression. It was the usual sort of very human desires she’d been expecting: to do a good job, to go back to bed, a desire for recognition of their contributions, novelty, answering questions, more coffee, attention from colleague they wished was a bit _more_, to make it through day without pain, altruistic wish to give something back to community, to just have people call them by the right name, and finally that one directed at them in particular, that Crowley and Aziraphale would show up. It was all very reassuring in how mundane it was.

They got quite close before they were noticed as they hadn’t bothered pulling out a phone to use to light path. “Who’s this now?” from female voice. Crowley focused in on her, picking up overwhelming desire for event to go well and for there to be no problems.

“Aziraphale and Crowley” from Aziraphale

“Oh, our surveyors! I’m Dale. Wasn’t sure how your name was pronounced since I’d just texted with you. Aziraphale that right?”

“Close, the emphasis is on the other syllable. Aziraphale.”

“Let me introduce you to other folks and then we’re going to get started in about five-ten minutes, I think there’s three more people that said they were coming.”

There was a flurry of introductions and attempted handshakes, with a great deal of bumping hands into each in other in the gloom before shaking properly. Dawn was approaching, so by sky glow they could at least start to tell apart light hair vs dark hair, but still people were more a silhouette and impression of motion and voice for identification than any specific detail of appearance or clothing. Crowley was focused on attaching desires to each person-shape, so said almost nothing other than a few soft “They’re prescription's" when her sunglasses attracted a question.

Largely the people that had come in predawn hours were scientists or extremely skilled hobbyists with a deep passion for subject, so overwhelming desire for knowledge was leaving Crowley with a fairly positive first impression of most of them, but also pushing her towards a level of excitement about event she hadn’t quite anticipated. Shaking hands with the herpetologist coaxed a very genuine smile from her at how excited he was by field observations and how much he wanted to find snakes. Crowley found herself briefly tempted to really make his day, but that would not go so well for everyone else. Perhaps later in the day...

The birders were all in a group and were discussing best plan for getting around property to maximize number of species they could log that day. Dale made introductions and then left them while she went to go greet the last few people they were expecting. Half surrounded by group, the desire to know what they were was very clear and Crowley’s anxiety started to rise again. Shaking hands left her with no sense of ill intent or desire to harm but just to KNOW and that was very, very tempting to respond to and also terrifying to contemplate doing so and Crowley quickly started to back up and this had been a bad, bad idea…

Aziraphale turned slightly so he could grab Crowley’s hand and pull her close to him and it became impossible to tune him out. She could feel his hand shaking in hers as he desperately wanted them to be safe and was on knife edge of doing SOMETHING drastic in response and she could feel his own power rise against hers. She turned in arms and put hand on his face “Angel, angel, look at me. I’m alright. You’re alright. Just got overwhelmed. I just needed space to get collected. That’s all. Nothing is wrong. We’re safe.”

The birders may not have caught exactly what was happening, but had backed off to give them space. She could feel that concern faintly and it was all too much. Crowley closed eyes and squeezed Aziraphale’s hand in hers and focused on just completely closing off ability to sense anything beyond what normal humans could. She opened eyes to just look at his face in normal, human way to read his expression as sun was starting to clear horizon behind him, backlighting him and filtering through curls.

Crowley blew out a long breath and then inhaled again to speak. “You have no right to look so damn handsome this early. That’s just unfair.” She moved hand from his face to run it through his hair, making small circles on scalp at base of skull.

“Are you alright now, my dear?” Aziraphale sounded slightly unsteady and he was holding her hand tightly, but no longer shaking.

“You’re here, so yes.” He smiled at Crowley’s answer and a little bit of tension went out of face.

“Did you want to go home?”

“No. I really am alright. But we can go if you want to.”

“Seems silly to go home after I got you up this early.”

“That’s not actually an answer.”

Aziraphale shifted and eyed nearby people, who largely were just sort of politely ignoring them in same way they would ignore anyone that clearly needed a moment. That they were being treated as just regular people was apparently what Aziraphale needed to soothe nerves. “I don’t want to go home. But I don’t think I can talk to people just yet.”

“Alright. I’ll do talking then. You can be my strong, silent, arm candy.”

_“Really.”_ the huff at that almost sounded normal. Crowley released his hand and stepped in to put arm behind his back then shifted hand lower and tucked hand in Aziraphale’s back pocket, thumb stuck through a belt loop. She gave him slight squeeze. “Really, my dear, really?” That sounded much more like his usual tone.

While this had been going on, the teen from parking area had arrived and they’d hit official start time. A few other people had noticed what had been going on, so they got a few concerned looks and Dale came over to check on them. “I was going to direct people to you if they had questions about the map, but do you need a few minutes?”

“Just was a lot of people to meet this early. Little overwhelming when tired.” Crowley looked at Aziraphale, who slid arm around Crowley’s waist as silent answer. “S’okay now. I can answer questions, so long as its not too many at once.”

Dale gave little nod and then went to go stand on the stone marker that had been used at meet point. “Going to assume you all read your packets that I sent you about how to properly record stuff, or you wouldn’t be here at five in the morning.” There were some chuckles from crowd. “The reception is spotty out here, but lot of you are on the Discord for the event too, so if you get connection, you can send tentative IDs to there to request someone else come join you and help out. Most of you have had chance to look over the map, but if you had questions about it before you head out, check with our surveyors.” She made a quick wave in Crowley and Aziraphale’s direction. 

“And as tempting as it is to be off by yourself, take a buddy with you. If you twist an ankle we may not find you for awhile. Meet back here by 9 and there will be food! If you don’t show up by 10 or tell someone where you are by then, we will come find you! If you leave before then, tell me so I can mark you off as having left so we don’t send out search party for you! The family groups will start showing up at 10 for orientation and we're going to have them grid search. So if you find an area you think could benefit from that, make sure to tell me so we can get additional stakes set up. Alright, thanks for getting up this early, hopefully you log lots of species!”

A lot of the people had a firm idea where they wanted to go work so split off pretty quickly. A few did come over to see Crowley and Aziraphale with questions about specific conditions. Now in better light, Crowley could start picking out details of faces and clothes to go with voices and desires. The sheer banality of questions was soothing in its own way as they were well within Crowley’s ability to answer as just an expert, with no trace of the supernatural required. Aziraphale volunteered some additional info a few times, but was still unusually quiet.

They had originally planned that they were going to tag along with the birders to talk and do plant ID, but that didn’t seem like either of them was quite ready for that. The birders moved off a little distance but stayed in sight, letting them decide if they wanted to try again. They looked curiously at them occasionally, but were going to proceed with task even if they chose not to speak to them at all. It let both Crowley and Aziraphale just see them in peripheral vision as they answered other questions, getting used to idea of being near people That Knew.

Appearances could be deceiving, but they didn’t look personally threatening. They were all older, likely retired, and could have been anywhere from 60s to 80s. They’d all dressed practically in slightly worn clothes that said they were well used. Sensible footwear and water bottles all around. The teen joined up with them and they could faintly hear one of them referred to as Nana.

The last person that wanted to speak with them was mycologist who’d let everyone else go first so as to not make other people wait. It was a long and somewhat weird conversation as he had some questions about the historic maps they’d used to make the new one from and what types of trees had been marked off on them but were no longer standing and if they’d found stumps or not. Crowley was at least familiar with idea that you sometimes had rings of mushrooms around spots trees USED to be, but hadn’t thought to look specifically as they hadn't been used to mark sections they were focused on. Aziraphale had both handled more of the antique maps and done more flying, so had more detailed information, though translating aerial view to walking was being a bit challenging.

“We could go show them where to make turn off the path, if that would be easier and you're up for it?"

“I think I’m up for that.”

So they let themselves be persuaded to tag along for a bit with Josh and the entomologist, Gemma, that was his travel partner for the day. They headed out in direction birders had gone and when they caught up with them, Crowley disentangled herself from Aziraphale to have brief exchange with Karen that they might catch up with them at 9 and see how things were then, no promises. It was a brief, slightly awkward exchange while Aziraphale stayed away and was Very Focused on IDing some plants using one of Crowley’s battered field guides, though his eyes wandered in general direction of Crowley far more than was necessary. The flush on his neck seemed to indicate he was mostly just embarrassed about earlier. He was still quick to take Crowley's hand as soon as she returned.

Once they’d delayed talk with birders for a few hours at least, Aziraphale seemed to regain much of his usual inclination towards small talk, and got drawn into conversation with the two biologists. They meandered their way towards spot on the archived maps that indicated a missing hawthorn hedge off the path as likely to yield things of interest to both scientists. It would be simple enough to point at spot from here and split off, but Aziraphale seemed game to take them right to spot. So as they pushed off path, Crowley gathered plant species IDs, and Aziraphale gathered personal details about their temporary companions.

Aziraphale very shortly ended up holding everyone’s field guides and clipboards and tablets and doing all the logging with only occasional points of handing them back when they needed to check spelling of particularly long scientific name. Crowley found herself smiling fondly at him as even out in a field he’d immediately acquired all the books. Crowley rather suspected the two scientists would get their field guides back in better condition than they’d arrived.

After about an hour, Aziraphale was now carrying on a fairly steady and easy conversation with whichever of the two scientists was closer, occasionally drawing Crowley into conversational orbit until such point as finally seemed to click and Crowley found herself talking to Josh’s feet while the rest of him was under a bush getting a root sample and Aziraphale suddenly was not only no longer in conversation, but no longer hovering nearby either. She did quick check to see him recording something for Gemma about 50 feet away and he gave little wave at Crowley. This was far from only time Aziraphale had pulled this sort of conversational matchmaking where Crowley found herself suddenly in a deep conversation with someone she and Aziraphale had just met, but recent events had made Crowley a little more conscious of this sort of manipulation on the angel’s part. But she was delighted Aziraphale had returned to his usual tricks. Sneaky angel, indeed.

Time passed quicker than they realized. Aziraphale checked pocket watch as they got closer to meet up time, and got them moving again at 8:45AM so they could go meet up with group before Dale sent a search party after them. Once the time was pointed out, it did seem about time for a break and they tromped back to meet point where Robert had gotten job of hauling in a handcart with several boxes of sandwiches and biscuits stacked in it along with two cambros of water and one of tea. They checked in with Dale and got handed sandwiches. 

Robert was briefly staring at Crowley before brain apparently tripped over to default Polite Mode and he asked if those were new sunglasses. “I’ve had them awhile, just hadn’t worn them in a bit.”

“Look nice.” Robert’s smile was awkward, but seemed sincere, which meant Crowley gave him back a very genuine “Thank you.”

Other groups started trickling in and Gemma had waved at the other entomologist and their partner returning. She and Josh said they might check back in after meal to see if Crowley and Aziraphale wanted to head back out together, who indicated they were meeting kids coming later, so probably not. They’d gotten a warm goodbye from them then and a thank you to Aziraphale for having carried all the equipment and books... which did indeed look to be in suspiciously better condition as he handed them back.

Crowley and Aziraphale found spot to sit and eat where they could watch other groups trickling back in while also having space to talk semi-privately. “I’m fairly sure I told you not to order me a sandwich as I was going to be too nervous to eat it.”

“Well if you don’t want it, this means I now get twice as many watercress sandwiches.”

“I am going to eat it now, just to spite you for being clever.” and took bite out of it. Aziraphale just looked smug.

“Are you up to meeting the birding group?”

“You tell me.”

“Well you’re eating…” Crowley took another bite of sandwich and attempted to give Aziraphale the eye, but it wasn’t very effective.

“I feel ok. How do YOU feel?

“I’m eating.”

“Angel, I swear… though I suppose you must be feeling better if you’re being this much of a bastard.” Now it was Aziraphale’s turn to give her the eye. “I can just try and read you, but sometimes that just means I know what you want but you don’t because you haven’t acknowledged it yet.” Crowley made a face. “Like me with the hissing.”

Aziraphale’s expression closed off briefly at that, before looking back at Crowley and letting her see him think through feelings. “I don’t feel good about it. But I think the uncertainty… that’s worse. What did you pick up earlier?”

“I didn’t pick up anything hostile from them, but I don’t think I can actually try and read them again now without having similar reaction to earlier. I just got overwhelmed from having them all that curious. Just too much to deal with. It’s not bad, just was too intense when I didn’t know what _I_ wanted out of conversation. Drowns me out.” Aziraphale nodded at that like he understood perfectly what was being described. “Going to have to do it the normal human way.”

“You’re rather good at that.”

“Pff. You’re much better at the initial introduction. You can just casually slide yourself in and suddenly you’re part of group and conversation goes easy. You can keep it from dying awkwardly.”

“I _have _ had time to develop conversational skills. 

“You ready to use them on these birders, cause I see them coming in now.” 

Aziraphale seemed to be taking serious mental stock of himself, before letting out breath. “Yes, I think so. Shall I wave them over?”

“Yeah.” Crowley let Aziraphale wave at the group and then scooted over to be closer to him. He put arm around her back and rested his hand on outside of her hip. Crowley snuggled into that so her other leg pressed up against his thigh. She passed him the tea and offered him all the biscuits that had come with her meal, but finished sandwich while they waited for group to come over. She could feel tension in his leg and she turned and gave him kiss by ear while whispering “no smiting.”

“I would never!” She gave him A Look over top of sunglasses. “...unless you needed me to.” 

Crowley pushed sunglasses back up face and gave him a pat on thigh. “I need you to tell me if it gets to be too much. You focused all your attention leading up to this on making sure I didn’t fall apart. You did a great job. I mean that. I will be fine. Now, if you need to go, tell me, and we’ll go. Don’t worry about being rude, we’ll just go.”

“They’re just humans. I can do this.” He sounded confident, but was now running hand along outside of her thigh, stroking fabric of jeans. She put hand on top of his and drew it back up to sit on hip, getting him to instead just stroke one spot with thumb. She rested hers just behind his, following stroke a little slower and softer but keeping contact with him. He never completely stilled, but pace slowed.

They watched the birding group get lunch. The teen with them got loaded down with two extra sandwiches and he started to run off down towards parking area before getting called back. He planted kiss on one of the women’s cheek, Susan, and then went bounding off, already stuffing a sandwich in mouth as he jogged. Which left them again with just the ones that Knew.

They came and settled close enough to easily heard, but still a little bit of space. Four of them settled on ground, but David had brought a camp chair and sat in that and took a moment to adjust his knee brace. There was long moment of silence as they stared at each other trying to figure out how to start a really, really awkward conversation. Crowley took tea back from Aziraphale and gave him slight pat on leg, which he took as a cue to get conversation in motion.

He looked over at Susan “The young man that was with you earlier, we didn’t catch his name when we came in.”

“Max. My grandson. He’s gone off to direct traffic again. Do you two have any children?”

“No, we just have some godchildren and whichever children Crowley’s decided to steal this week.”

“Taking them on field trips is not stealing them. Their parents let me temporarily borrow them. I give them back after getting them really grubby and letting them eat stuff they’re not supposed to.”

Susan nodded. “Ah, standard grandma tactic.

Crowley sputtered a little at that. “I’m really trying more for cool aunt.”

Aziraphale gave her consoling pat on hip. “I’m sure the kids think you’re very cool, dear.”

“Are they your siblings kids then?”

Crowley made a face at that. “ngk… no. It’s complicated. We’re not really on speaking terms with any relatives right now.”

"Thankfully” It had been very soft, but clear. Aziraphale then put on a more cheerful face before conversation ground to halt. He looked back at Susan. “Your grandson seems a nice lad. He was very welcoming, seemed pleased to see everyone”

“That was less us, and more he was excited to see the _Bentley_” from Crowley. “Which, I mean, fair.”

Susan smiled. “Oh yes, he was showing us pictures of it. It was very nice of you to let him take pictures of the interior. It’s in beautiful condition.”

“He asked nicely.” Crowley somehow made that sound like it wasn’t about car at all. It seemed briefly like that might have managed to stop the conversation dead as birders contemplated exactly how to phrase extremely intrusive questions sufficiently_ nicely._

Ian was one that apparently was going to try and work around to how to ask nicely enough. “Not a lot of cars that age still on road, let alone in that condition. You must be pretty careful with it.” Aziraphale made slight scoffing noise at that but let Crowley decide how to answer that. “Only had one real serious... incident with it. And that was with the whole mess with the M25, so bit of my own fault there since I worked on laying that out. Came back and bit me.”

“So that was your...firm that worked on it?”

“One person firm, but yes.” There was that pause again as everyone tried to make Crowley’s apparent age jibe with this information. Jacqueline took big bite out of sandwich to avoid grinning as she looked between all the people desperately trying to be extremely polite while also desperately wanting to be very rude. This was clearly best entertainment she’d had all week.

“That was a hell of a job then. And you’re reconciling all these maps for the Ramblers now. That’s hmmm…”

“Hell of a job is right. Ramblers are much nicer people than I worked with before. This lets us get out of London more regularly. We’re just about done here though, so not sure what we’ll move on to.”

Karen picked up thread of conversation next. “My Robert’s been amazed at how fast you got this done. He’d been plugging away at this since January and it looks like you’re nearly at point where you can submit final maps.”

Aziraphale smiled at praise. “He did all the hard work of getting the research material and smoothing things over with land owner to make access easy. We just sped up some of the tedious parts that would have required a lot more people to cover that much ground that fast. We still spend a lot of time walking.” He sounded humble but hadn't entirely deflected credit away, so sounded genuine in returned praise.

“Seems a shame to walk when you can…” Politeness took back over. “Well, the help is very appreciated, whatever form it takes.”

“Crowley really gets stuck with more of the walking since she’s the one that understands how to actually connect the maps together with the on the ground observations. I just help.”

“He does a lot of the historical research too. But the aerial observations are mostly him. I can tell him what to look for, but I really couldn’t do them myself.” Crowley looked at Aziraphale for brief nod and then looked at Jacqueline directly and took her glasses off. “Don’t see as well.” Jacqueline choked on her sandwich and Ian ended up pounding her on back, which neatly covered up surprised noises from rest of group. Aziraphale squeezed her hip and hissed slightly so Crowley turned to look at him, yellow of eye expanding as she looked at him. “They already saw the rest. I just…”

Aziraphale closed eyes for a moment and exhaled. “I understand. It was just...fast.”

Jacqueline finally stopped coughing “You did that on purpose.”

“Yep.”

“Fine then. It going to be like that. Are you two even the same species?”

“No.” from Crowley

“Yes.” from Aziraphale.

“Jackie!” from Ian.

Crowley and Aziraphale looked at each other for a moment before Crowley tilted head slightly and put sunglasses back on. “It’s...complicated.” from Aziraphale. “We are from same basic stock but there’s been changes over time. It’s a bit of a sensitive subject.” Slight frown at Jacqueline. “But you couldn’t know that. We do look different. But it’s mostly superficial in our case.” Crowley started to say something but Aziraphale pulled her a bit closer and kissed her on cheek. “It is.”

“‘In our case’, and earlier mention of not speaking to family, seems to imply there are others.” from David, who'd had mostly unreadable expression this whole time.

“There are.” Aziraphale took a breath and carefully caught each of their eyes in turn, looking grave. “We are all lucky in this case, that it is us you saw and you that we have spoken with. I think we have some modicum of understanding here. But, I do need to make sure we are very clear on one thing, I pray you never see anyone else like us.” There were slightly startled looks and noises at that, including a slightly hushed “but your wings are so beautiful.”

“And that is the danger. Some it would be obvious you should avoid them. They look as bad as they are. But, the ones that look like me, that might seem safe. If they know they were seen, they will say ‘be not afraid’. Be afraid. And run.” He let that sink in for a moment, letting them feel weight of what was bordering on a command rather than a suggestion. Some of them looked like some suspicion had just been confirmed. Everyone was very quiet and then Aziraphale got slow, nervous nods before he continued.

“I wouldn’t harm anyone, except to protect others. But, others like us… it doesn’t matter. You don’t matter. Kill you, save you, stand by and do nothing while you suffer or die, its all the same. Whatever their orders are.”

David narrowed eyes at them, tone equal parts disapproval and uneasiness. “A great amount of evil comes from those that were just following orders.”

“I know. I know too well.” Aziraphale sounded haunted and Crowley could feel slight tremble in his hand on her hip. Crowley put hand on his opposite cheek to make him turn his head towards her, so he was no longer looking at anyone else, using part of her hand to shield his eyes. Crowley turned her head so she could see other people’s faces while still keeping Aziraphale’s in peripheral vision.

“He’s really the only one of them worth knowing. He actually is as nice and kind as he looks” She could feel his hand tighten a little at that, the tremble back “... and only a little bit of a bastard.” Aziraphale huffed at the bastard but his hand relaxed slightly.

“And are you nice and kind? Are you as you appear?” Karen was eyeing Crowley now, with a bit of a hard look that seemed familiar. She’d aimed it at people she thought might hurt Aziraphale often enough.

“I’m not n... “ the instinctive denial came easy and Crowley closed mouth on it. “I don’t think I’m nice. He keeps trying to convince me I am. I’m a lot more of a bastard than he is, but I don’t like to intentionally hurt people except to keep him safe. ”

“Have you killed people?“

"Jesus, Karen." from Ian 

“They were _Nazis._” From Aziraphale

“I still got them killed. I gave them option to run and they didn’t and they died."

“A lot of people killed Nazis in the war. It’s war that way.” Ian shrugged at this. 

“They still ended up dead because they tried to hurt Aziraphale. It was personal, not because it was a good war. Nothing good about war.”

Aziraphale composed himself enough to take Crowley’s hand off his face and kiss her palm before taking it in his own hand and settling it in lap. “She’s leaving out all the times she saved people, me included, at risk to herself. Had to hide any trace of goodness or be hurt badly for being weak, for caring about anyone but herself.” Crowley started to protest and got a soft “hush, you.” 

Aziraphale continued. “She changes appearance a lot. They're all true, they're just not the whole picture. Neither of us is all bad or all good. We’re not human, but we’ve lived here long enough to assimilate and end up just as complicated as everyone else. We’re very capable of defending ourselves from personal, immediate danger, but there’s just so many other ways we can be hurt...” Aziraphale’s voice had a bit of unsteadiness in it again.

Crowley squeezed hand and took over talking. “That note scared us. Knowing people know what I am… I wouldn’t have come to this at all if Aziraphale wasn’t with me. There’s a great deal of power in that kind of knowledge. You can do a lot of things with it, including hurting people. Sometimes accidentally. We’ve lived in London a long time, probably too long, so there’s people that know… something is different about us. A scarce handful that Know. But shop being in Soho… usually people don’t dig into that something and we don’t dig into theirs. And there’s a big difference between being suspicious and knowing and sometimes going from one to the other… that hasn’t always worked out well for us.”

“I think…” Daniel started up, looking at the others “We can stick with what we originally said.” Some nods. “Was a bit vague, but that means we don’t tell anyone we saw you like that. Or what we talked about today, either. Yes?” Agreement from group, though Karen had a bit of a frown. Keeping secrets from spouse wasn’t easy.

Crowley focused on her. “We were very thankful for warning about cameras, even if it scared us. We needed to know. Hopefully we can avoid any more accidents. Everyone that knows, it was because of something we couldn’t explain away. Maybe we’ll get to point where we can actually voluntarily tell someone without it being an accident or emergency, but stress from this… I think it’s going to be a bit. We’ll think about if there’s anyone that should know.” Karen nodded a little, that 'we'll think about it' being enough to flip from keeping secrets to just not prematurely revealing things. That was easier. 

Aziraphale shifted a little but didn’t quite get up. “It was nice meeting you all. We do have other people we need to meet up with today, so we should probably take our leave. Perhaps we will see you again if we come out here.”

Susan smiled at him. “That’d be lovely. You should come out again once all the paths get fully blazed. See what you helped do.” It sounded genuine.

“That would be lovely, indeed”

* * *

They’d extracted themselves from conversation and Crowley had checked phone to see if the Them had sent update on when exactly they were arriving. Just one saying they’d hit the road and from time stamp, looked like they’d have another 15 minutes or so before they should look for them. So they went off to go check area that had been gridded off for families to do more specific structured search, which was mostly open field and some shrubs. Probably nothing that exciting, but also unlikely to have anything sensitive that could be damaged by overenthusiastic helpers.

They briefly talked to Dale and had her assign them one for interior pieces off the path proper so they would be a little further away from hubbub and be able to relax a bit and mostly just interact with the Them. They were both a bit wrung out and just existing by people that already knew who they were and they needed to make no explanations to would be restorative.

They headed back to meet up point at boundary stone and watched various groups come out of edge of copse eagerly, ready for it to be the one they were looking for. This time? No. Drat. Maybe this one?

Crowley finally spotted Mr. Young walking up trail and waved at him, as kids would surely be nearby. He looked decidedly confused until Aziraphale also waved and brain adjusted to idea that this was a pair of people he knew even if this wasn’t quite how he usually saw them. Crowley realized she hadn’t had this particular conversation directly with the Youngs and perhaps this was going to continue to be an emotionally tiring day.

The kids appeared behind Mr. Young a moment later along with Dog, who was on a lead for once. They seemed to be having a fairly intense go round about something, but when they saw the two waving at them they all broke into a jog, passing Mr Young. Adam got there first and barely slowed down run, so knocked Crowley back a little bit with hug. Dog quickly wrapped leash around both their legs. Crowley and Adam were both laughing at this, even as their attempts to get Dog unwound from them utterly failed. Aziraphale finally took Dog’s lead from Adam so they could get unwound and Adam then moved on to getting hug from him as well.

Brian caught up next. He’d shot up quite a bit in the last few months, getting thin and rangey though not quite so much as Crowley yet. He was at that stretched out stage where he was all knees and elbows and awkwardness. He looked at her and suddenly seemed to have very little idea what to do. “Uh...hi.” and he went to shake hands.

“Still me. Just looking a bit different.” Crowley took offered hand, knowing full well Brian’s hand was going to be sticky and was not disappointed.

“I’m supposed to shake hands now.”

“S’posed to?” Crowley wiped her sticky hand off on jeans.

“That’s what my Uncles said. Too old for hugs, I should be shaking hands now.”

“Well your Uncles aren’t here, so do you want one?”

“That ok?” Brian sounded painfully uncertain.

“Get in here” Brian stepped in awkwardly like he was going to do the shoulder half hug thing, but Crowley pulled him in all the way and that was all that was needed for Brian to melt into her. “You’re getting one when you’re leaving too, no arguments.” She made motion to Aziraphale with chin and he stepped close enough to Crowley so she basically passed Brian directly to him.

Pepper strolled up and looked over Crowley. “Is that his shirt?”

“Yeah. I kind of like it.”

“You two are so gross.” She stepped in for hug anyway. “Your hair’s longer.”

“Not that much, you just haven’t seen it loose like this before, so it looks longer. Still isn’t longest I’ve had it. Aziraphale’s getting really good at braiding it for me.”

“Gross.”

“Look out, some day you may go all soft too.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Wouldn’t like someone to braid your hair?”

“That is what friends are for. No romance required.”

“Ask Aziraphale, he’d likely be delighted.”

“Just might.” She let go to get swept up by Aziraphale who had apparently heard all this and Crowley could vaguely hear discussion about this possibility.

Wensleydale arrived last and offered to shake hands, but had always shaken hands so it was nothing new. “Is it Miss Crowley now? Mrs?” Wensleydale shook hands like a miniature version of Aziraphale, pleasant, warm, and with just enough firmness to feel genuine.

“Just Crowley still, no matter what I look like.”

“I just like calling adults that way, it seems proper.”

“What are you going to do when you are an adult?”

“Still the same, but then I’ll be Mr. Wensleydale to everyone, so that will be fine.” He seemed fine with that, so Crowley just smiled fondly at him and watched him shake hands with Aziraphale, who was referred to as Mr. Fell. Since they had such similar styles, they both had to go that extra little bit and clasp their other hand over the top as well.

Mr. Young finally caught up and offered to shake. “Nice seeing you, Crowley.” The tone was polite, but he looked at Crowley with a somewhat baffled expression.

“Nice to see you as well. I knew the kids were coming, but I wasn’t sure who was going to drive. If I’d known it was you…” Crowley shifted a little awkwardly. “I would have mentioned something about this.”

“I knew, but only secondhand. It’s a small town. One of Deirdre’s friends went camping with you and Pepper. Was a bit of confusion there that they were talking about same person. Can’t say I quite understand.”

“Sometimes I’m just...different.”

“Adam seemed just as happy to see you, so that’s really what matters. Really do appreciate all the times you’ve taken kids out. You seem a good influence. Important he's got more adults like that, now that’s he’s getting a bit older.”

“Aziraphale’s usually the one that gets called the good influence.”

“You’re the one that’s been there more often and that Adam talks about most, so you seem to be bigger influence.” Crowley colored a bit at that.

“I’m glad you let me.” This was apparently far too much sentiment and Mr Young looked deeply awkward again til Aziraphale came over to shake hands and make much more suitable small talk.

The Them had grouped back up and were letting adults talk while they talked to some of the other kids that had shown up and were in similar age range. Dog was a big hit.

"C'mon kids, lets get orientation thing done and then we'll go find some snakes."

"Crowley!"

"I didn't say what _kind_

"Really, Crowley, really."

Crowley just smirked at him.

**NOTES**

1\. Conference calls weren't one of Crowley's inventions. Nobody could actually claim it clearly. It had taken a group effort to make something this universally despised and yet so widely used. Hell used them a lot internally, so Crowley really, really didn’t want to chance suddenly connected to the Wrong Call.Back

2\. Crowley was not a morning person, so never actually made herself breakfast. She’d make Aziraphale breakfast and then steal a few bites off his plate instead. When Aziraphale made breakfast he’d always ask if Crowley wanted her own plate, but knew the answer was almost always “no” and that some of his breakfast would get stolen anyway and planned accordingly.Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have suggestions on tags that should be added to this fic, please leave a comment!


	5. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fun time is had by most! 
> 
> What have the Them have been up to?  
Some insight on how the Youngs raised the Antichrist.  
Kids love spooky.  
Aziraphale gets to be the cool uncle for a bit.  
Crowley is a squishy emotional mess but is learning to be ok with it.
> 
> (as a fair warning, there's some bugs in this chapter, but its just some moths and caterpillars)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this chapter is even longer than the last one. It's like Fibonacci sequence chapters. Good lord.

Crowley didn’t pay close attention through most of the family orientation since she’d read or heard almost all of it earlier, which meant she could just watch other people. There were more than a dozen family or friends groups of various sizes. A few were older keen-looking teens or college age kids in friends groups, but most were family groups with an adult or two shepherding around some youngsters. Maybe a quarter of the adults appeared to be there by themselves, mostly older folks. The younger kids were getting a tad restless at directions that were a little too complicated for them, but just right for tweens and teens. Having taken look over group, she settled into watching the Youngs. 

Arthur Young appeared focused on the presentation, but as soon as Adam asked something or tried to get his attention, he had it. Mr. Young kept his voice soft as he’d respond to Adam or he would direct Adam’s attention back to the presenter who was answering a question he’d just asked his father. 

It was much the same as other times they’d been out with both of them. Those moments of quiet confidence and steadiness Adam had shown in Armageddon, he’d learned from Arthur, he just hadn’t had a lifetime of experience to rest them on yet. He had strong opinions, but the foundations of many of them were shaky. So he looked to his father to provide that foundation to rest them on until he built his own. His father might be where he turned first, but he had reached the age where he was learning his parents couldn’t tell him everything, provide everything. Crowley was still amazed that his parents realized it too and had just let her and Aziraphale into Adam’s lives to provide that _something _that they couldn’t. 

Arthur Young didn’t Know about them 1 . Or at the very least that it wasn’t important he know unless they thought he should. And when that information was presented, it would be soaked up with the serious consideration it deserved, but somehow not seem like a surprise. While Arthur was honestly the parent they’d probably interacted with the least, his sheer steadiness made them feel as if they were known and seen and understood, without ever having said anything. They found they needed to be careful of watching their tongues to NOT say something that would reveal too much because it was a little _too_ comfortable. Accidentally revealing their own secrets was one thing, but that could unravel the whole story and reveal Adam’s as well. Arthur hadn’t been there for most of Armageddon, but arguably had been far more responsible for saving the world than Aziraphale and Crowley. Given the chance at unlimited power, Adam had said what he really wanted was his Dad. And that was the sort of relationship that deserved protecting. 

Crowley tuned back in to the presenter as general restlessness of smaller kids had now turned into giggling. The herpetologist was reminding kids not to pick up animals. “ How would you like it if a giant reached down out of the sky and picked you up?” He was crouching down with hands over head, making a melodramatic scared face. “Oh no, not the giant sky hand! Maybe if I BITE it, it’ll leave! Or, or, what if I PEE on it!” The crowd of kids alternated between ews and giggling. “So don’t pick up little animals and they won’t bite you, you scary, scary giants!” 

Aziraphale was watching Crowley instead of this performance. “Crowley… no.” 

“Crowley, yesssss.” She tilted head at him and gave him best grin. “Let me have a little fun with ‘im. I did promise kids we’d find some snakes.” 

“Is it just one really big snake?” Aziraphale sounded very put out and Crowley relented. 

“I am very tempted, but no, just a lot of different snakes. I can always find them. And I am going to send that herpetologist so many pictures.” 

“Make him jealous of your snake skills?” 

“That’s on him if he’s jealous. He could just be excited and leave heart emojis on all of them.” 

“...that actually seems likely.” 

That seemed to be almost end of presentation. There was just quick bit at the end where families interested in specific area could ask to have one of the experts go along with them for an extended lesson. Crowley and Aziraphale were already attached to the Them, so they could head right off with the kids and Mr Young to the plot they’d gotten assigned earlier. 

The Them were eager to get going so had a tendency to run ahead along path until they got distracted by something and adults caught up. It was a little over five minutes of brisk walking before they got to section they’d been assigned. Crowley waved the kids back to make a turn off into shrub covered area. It was one of the areas dominated by rhododendrons, so it was actually possible to lose people behind plants now. They’d also been warned it had nettles in it, so gave the kids the reminder to not going barreling ahead without looking carefully. 

They’d been out with kids in Hogback Woods earlier in the season, so had some idea of their competency level but they hadn’t actually been out with Mr. Young like this before. He’d at least worn appropriate shoes, clothes that wouldn’t get snagged, and had gotten task of carrying water for the kids, so that seemed like a good start. The Them got reminded to stay either in sight or earshot of an adult, but then were allowed to spread out over plot, occasionally vanishing behind shrubs, but making enough of a ruckus to not actually be lost. Any animal with a sense of hearing was probably vacating the area right now. 

The plan for families was to stay on the assigned area until 12:30 and then they were free to roam at that point. If they switched to roaming, they were to use a second checklist with an added location box so it was clear it wasn’t from the structured plot. Adam had handed his clipboard off to his father right away and circled back repeatedly to have Mr. Young mark things off or to bring his father over to see something specific. Mr. Young had several dozen things he was good at identifying without a guide, mostly flying insects. Crowley could occasionally hear him talking with Adam or the Them about what fish liked what types. Adam seemed rather excited that they’d be taking a fishing trip with his father over the summer though less excited about the prospect of potentially _eating_ what they caught. Mr. Young reminded him that they might well end up throwing back everything they caught for being too small or too big, so they might well eat nothing they caught. Crowley had suspicion that might be exactly the way the trip played out, now that that outcome had presented to Adam as a possibility. 

Adam’s powers had greatly diminished but not entirely vanished. Adam hadn’t really requested instruction from Crowley and Aziraphale on how to use his power so much as on how NOT to. Or on how to tell if he was. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t controlling his friends or family, but this sort of unconscious twisting of outcomes to favor what he desired was usually how it manifested. Aziraphale seemed to be significantly better at sniffing out those alterations than Crowley was. Harmless ones like this they didn’t usually point out. That power had to go somewhere and until Adam expressed interest in specifically managing his powers, allowing some to bleed away in altering outcome of fishing trip so they killed no fish was one of the most harmless ways to dissipate that power. 

After initial excitement, the kids got down to more purposeful searching, circling around where the adults were flipping through field guides trying to identify several different types of very similar looking grasses. Mr. Young had one of the plant guides and Aziraphale was holding the other while asking Crowley to occasionally clarify what specific description meant. 

“Nice getting to come out with you two since you haven’t been dropping in as often midweek. Adam said you had a more regular work schedule than you did last year, Crowley.” 

“Didn’t really have one last year as I wasn’t really working.” Crowley struggled with how much so say about how adrift she’d been. “Was ...well, changing careers let's go with. Left high stress employer and then needed to sort out what to do with myself as I wanted to make as clean a split as possible so I wouldn’t run back into them. But being around bookshop all the time, I was really getting on Aziraphale’s nerves a bit.” 

“You were not.” Crowley raised eyebrows at him. “Perhaps a little. I’m just very set in my ways and we were falling into dynamic of me always directing you on what to do. I didn’t want to be your new boss.” 

“You like being bossy.” Crowley kept tone light and teasing. 

Aziraphale huffed slightly, but didn’t sound too put out. “I just have strong opinions. But making so many of the decisions all the time… that was very tiring. We can both work on this project, but I am _helping_ Crowley with the research portion, not making all the decisions about the whole thing.” 

Arthur nodded at that. “Good division of labor there. Though Adam seemed a little confused on what exactly today had to do with work. He was under the impression you were a surveyor.” 

“Had been. Part of last year was getting all my paperwork back in order to do this. 2

“Bit of a small world, that what with the Devices living nearby. What are the odds of Adam having found two surveyors?“ 

“Run in packs, just like any profession. Find one barrister, they likely know several more. But I don’t think she’s actually transferred licence from America. She’s mostly been dowsing since she’s been here. Bit related, but very different methods and doesn’t need a license.” 

“Dowsing seems a bit…” Arthur seemed to be finding way to phrase things politely. “Theatrical.” 

Crowley laughed. “It is. Usually that’s the whole point. I’ve done it myself a few times for people that want some kind of clear show of me finding something. You’re really just putting together a lot of little clues to narrow down right area for what you’re looking for. But telling people about the angle of the ground, vegetation color, and feel of how compacted soil is underfoot all seems very subjective and like anyone could do it. Fancy magic rod, well, that looks like you’re definitely doing something more definite than just paying attention to very specific things.” Nevermind both Crowley and Anathama might be using a few additional senses on top of the usual ones to pay attention to. Mostly it was just being sharp and making it look fancy. 

Arthur seemed satisfied with the explanation. “Adam’s seemed fairly taken with whole project since it involves maps. No treasure like he’d like, but full of secrets of some sort.” 

“Crowley’s been working with most of the modern maps and I’ve been dealing with the antique ones. Comparing the various maps over time is a good way to dig up old secrets though whether Adam’d consider research exciting is a different matter. Very little treasure, but a lot of ruins.” Aziraphale got sudden look on face “Oh, there was the earthworks here that we spotted from air based on vegetation difference but we hadn’t actually walked over that section yet. Perhaps we should take kids to see that?” 

“Earthworks?” 

“Some sort of built up earth structure. It was clearly manmade. A long ditch enclosing a building of some sort. It wasn’t on any of the maps we worked with, so its a few hundred years old at least, though it might be quite a bit older. We didn’t actually plot it out yet on maps.” 

“That does sound very much like something Adam will enjoy.” Who at that point came bounding back to father to get help identifying some moths. Arthur traded the plant guide to Aziraphale for Crowley’s insect guide. Crowley was pretty sure that plant book had come with the Youngs, but well, trading Aziraphale a book as collateral against returning a borrowed one… perhaps Arthur knew him better than he let on. 

The rest of kids gradually drifted back through to get sightings recorded and it gave them chance to ask about the end of term and summer plans. Some of it Crowley had known about, but the Them were more inclined to tell them about specific things by text or phone than ongoing situations or uncompleted projects, so some things came as a surprise. 

Wensleydale had gotten to be first chair in the clarinet section for last few weeks as the older student that usually had it was recovering from a broken arm. The school orchestra was quite small, but still it was an exciting development. Aziraphale got into an extended conversation with him about what pieces orchestra had been working on and he only needed occasional elbow to adjust language a little so it didn’t sound like he’d been there for the first performance of that piece. 

Pepper had gotten through about a third of the Camp Stage 5 Guide badge and was intending on finishing the rest of it over the summer while she was away at camp for a week. Part of the week would also involve mapping out the old pilgrim road that crossed camp and reblazing it properly. She got into a conversation about what constituted “properly” with Brian and Crowley. Brian and Pepper were more familiar with current methods for marking turns and terrain and Crowley was familiar with all the old methods from the days before spray paint. So a method that combined the two to give the feel of the old style while being easily recognizable to modern eyes would be ideal. Aziraphale briefly weighed in on that much of road had stone chips on it that caught light and made it easy to see in sunlight or with a torch at night, so they might want to incorporate that into points where a secondary marking might be helpful. 

Mr. Young and Adam came back into earshot while they were discussing likely source of original stone chips and if it was still accessible. Everyone got called over to a stand of nettle to check out load of caterpillars and moths that had both Youngs stumped. Now everyone was huddled around field guides trying to sort out what kind of moths they had. Arthur and Adam had narrowed it down to “tiger moth” but couldn’t figure out exact species. They split up into two groups, one to ID caterpillars, one on moths. Odds were good it was the same species, but if they weren’t, conflating two was an easy way to just end up even more confused. They really didn’t need to get any more confused as this was close-but-not-quite matching anything they had in books. Brian pulled out phone so he could try using an app, but that was giving equally contradictory not-quite-IDs. 

“We’ve made a game try, but we can ask an expert. Let me get some good pictures.” Crowley carefully took some shots and finally opened up the Discord group for event. She almost hadn’t bothered loading it on her phone, but couldn’t resist the name. She’d fiddled with it just enough with it the day before to figure out how to switch channels and load pictures, and that was plenty enough to get to the insects channel. She loaded up the pictures and took a moment trying to remember what Gemma had said her handle was before she correctly managed to tag MothMa’am. She put in all the info they’d managed to gather to rule out specific things and which three they were waffling between. 

So while everyone was grouped up and waiting for a reply, they asked if the kids had gone much beyond Hogback Woods tracing paths past there. School had mostly kept them busy, so there’d been only a few brief jaunts. Mostly they had stuck to the known area and making it a little more friendly to visitors since it was now on the official map. They felt like it was theirs to share and care for. They’d even put some water bars in an eroded section of trail that was where the official trail should be, but now had a parallel trail next to it because the original path turned to mud in the slightest rain. 

Adam had been one to come up with the general idea that they should fix it up, but Brian had done most of the work of actually putting the logs in place and dropping fill behind them. It had been a bit of trial and error before he got it right so it kicked water in right direction without creating a new problem. Brian referred to it mostly as “mucking about with dirt”, Crowley rightfully referred to it as site engineering. The Them had a go round about that wasn’t _engineering_, that involved machines and lots of math, didn’t it? Well, no, not necessarily. You could skip some of the failing and starting over if you did enough math, but at the end of the day, it did come down to actually mucking about in the dirt at site to get end product right. Brian had a rather thoughtful look for awhile after that. 

Crowley got an alert back on phone of having been tagged in conversation and checked in to see Gemma thought they had Jersey Tigers which wouldn’t have been here a decade ago, so that’s why field guides weren’t showing them in area. Shifting climate was extending range and most guides hadn’t caught up. She’d come out and check later to confirm it and asked Crowley to send a few more pictures of the surrounding area. Crowley conveyed the info to the kids while taking the requested pictures. 

“The climate’s all mucked up, so we have more kinds of moths? That sounds good though.” Adam sounded confused by the contradiction. 

Crowley shrugged. “For the moths. Other things won’t be able to move along with the change. Part of why bioblitz was out here was because there was a brush fire after the drought in 2003. With it being hotter and dryer longer, going to be a lot more of those. This will give them an idea of what species will move back in after that sort of thing.” 

“So there might be totally different things here then there were twenty years ago?” 

“And likely different in twenty more. Might have to all meet back here in twenty years and come see.” 

“Just might.” Adam grinned and Crowley felt like she just might have accidentally made a pact with him. 

Brian and Pepper peeled off to go look at a clump of wildflowers that Wensleydale indicated he was probably allergic to. So he would be staying with the group looking at bugs, thank you. This meant they now got a chance to ask Adam about what he’d been up to. 

They got the most detailed information on school out of Adam as his father could remind him of things he’d wanted to tell them but was sometimes a little scattered on remembering to actually do so. Arthur never quite outright told them anything Adam had done recently, he’d just query Adam about if there was anything he’d forgotten to tell them and a very slight indication of what it might be. Perhaps something about book he’d had to read? So Adam had chance to deflect with something else if he didn’t wish to, though there was only one point where he seemed to decide he didn’t want to tell Crowley and Aziraphale about something at school. 

So they heard about Adam’s grades being overall good but not outstanding and how he liked various classes. Adam didn’t seem to have quite picked a favorite subject, though he did have a favorite teacher which was almost the same as having a favorite subject. He’d been fairly neutral on math last year, but Mr. Connors had apparently changed his mind. 

Once Adam had settled into talking at length about math class, Aziraphale had looked delighted when Pepper came back looking for a field guide and he had a chance to escape. Crowley was rather good at math, in a specialized sort of way, so was happy to carry on with Adam. The math teacher had spent a good portion of year backtracking in math to make sure students actually understood fundamentals they might have memorized but not _understood_ previously. So he hadn’t learned much new, but was in great position to move forward. Even Wensleydale had turned out to have a few things he hadn’t quite really understood, so was also a big fan of Mr. Connors. 

As Adam was explaining some of what he’d learned she had to stop him at one point. “Go over that one more time, slower.” 

Which he did, and seemed delighted at her “oh” expression. “See, now it makes sense! Don’t know why I didn’t understand it before.” 

“Teachings a skill or its own. A good teacher can explain things an expert can't. I think he might be my favorite teacher now, too. Try that out on Aziraphale. He’s rubbish at anything beyond arithmetic, so if you can make him understand that, you are officially a better math teacher than I am. Be forewarned, he barely understands percentages.” 

Mr. Young gave him a look “How on earth does he run a shop?” 

“He looks sad at me until I do any math more complicated than basic record keeping.” 

Adam and Wensleydale scampered off to inflict math on Aziraphale, Mr. Young trailing along with a fond smile. Crowley could hear them faintly asking Pepper and Brian about their favorite teachers and Aziraphale taking bait on asking why. Which then segued into math again. “Oh Crowley’s much better at that. Perhaps you would like to share with her?” 

“No, she thought we should tell you.” 

“Did she.” Aziraphale sounded so miffed. Crowley decided this was a great time to go skulk off in search of snakes. The angel could only stay mad so long, and maybe he’d learn something meantime. 

* * *

She had promised they were going to find some snakes, and they _were_ going to find some other than her. While they might not get to see a huge occult snake, that didn’t mean she couldn’t use that to find other ones. Adam had laid down ground rules early on that they weren’t to use their powers on the Them or their parents unless specifically asked to or it was An Emergency.3 Not being able to turn their powers directly on the Them’s parents meant they’d had to figure out how to interact with them like regular humans, which they weren’t always very good at. Using them in the general vicinity of the Them seemed to be acceptable as Adam hadn’t said anything to Aziraphale about Tadfield seeming to be a little more loved recently. Crowley had kept to not directly reading desires, but if they were broadcasting their desires so loudly that they drowned out others that she was trying to focus on, well that was just _accidental_. And she absolutely wasn’t mentioning ability to read lingering ones. 4

So this didn’t really count as using powers. This was in some ways the opposite of doing so, as she wasn’t actively suppressing her serpentine nature. Her eyes were covered, so that took care of the most major tell that she was letting snake bleed through. She crouched down to check out some low growing plants, she let her tongue go to forked to scent around her. She picked up a vole run and then worked along that until she picked up the scent of snake. She slid her glasses down nose slightly so she could switch back and forth between looking through lenses and over them. The swap back and forth gave her slightly different view so as to help break up camouflage. Ah, there we go, snake #1. She could tell when it caught the scent of her as the adder lifted head slightly and tongue flickered rapidly in and out, trying to make sense of contradictory scent of snake in a human corporation. She took a careful photo and slid her glasses firmly back into place. 

“Hey kidsss, you want to sssee an adder?” 

“Yeah!” The response sounded like Brian. 

Crowley tried to cut down on hiss, but some of it was inevitable like this. “Walk up on me sssoftly. Vibration will sscare her off.” 

She extended arm so as to point at where snake lay as she felt one of the kids coming up behind her. “Ssofter.” She could still hear slight shush of grass against legs behind her as they walked up, but they had slowed way down to place feet carefully. 

“I don’t see it.” Brian kept his voice at a bare whisper. 

“Right of the patch of clover.” 

Brian rested a hand on her shoulder to steady himself while he leaned forward, weaving a little to adjust view. Brian suddenly froze in position. “Oh, oh, I see it! It’s really big. Do they get bigger than that?” 

“Not too much, sshe just looksss thicker cause sshe’sss pregnant..” 

“Pregnant? Don’t snakes lay eggs?” 

“Ssome. Addersss give birth to live young. Ussually August, could be late July.” 

“How can you tell?” Brian was leaning farther over Crowley and she brought hand around to steady his leg before he tumbled over her in excitement. 

“Femaless are brownissh with dark brown markingss, maless are grey with black markingss. All black oness are usually female. That’ss how you’d tell. The resst... I can ssmell the difference.” 

“What.” She could feel his leg had gone tense where she had steadied him, and she let go. 

“I’m a sssnake? I know I’ve told you thisss. I sssaid they were sssnake eyesss?” Crowley was desperately trying to reel in her form at this point, but nerves just made hiss worse. Eyes were likely blown beyond ability to hide, but that’s what sunglasses were for. 

“Yeah. But I didn’t think you were actually a snake snake”. Brian had pulled back a little from peering over Crowley, but hadn’t actually taken his hand off of her shoulder. 

“You believed the demon part just fine, but not the snake part?” She’d managed to get hiss under control, but only by sounding a bit clipped and snappish. 

“Well, Adam confirmed you were a demon. We thought the snake part was just a style thing and you being dramatic. You can go on a bit sometimes when someone says something nice about you.” 

“I do n…” She took a deep breath. “Alright, point taken. I really _am_ a snake though.” 

“Wicked.” Brian sounded like she was now the coolest person he knew. 

Crowley could feel her ears heating up at that and stood up, back still to Brian. “S’not really.” She drew shoulders in tight. “I really, really thought you all knew.” 

“Maybe some of us did. But it’s cool! You can smell snakes. And do other snake stuff, I guess. Is that why you get cold?” 

“Yeah.” Crowley was torn between hiding it all away and just letting him see. She reluctantly turned around and stepped back. She could hear slight rustle of grass as the snake they’d been looking at slid off under a bush. She was tempted to join it. 

“Even when you’re... human? No. You’re not.” Brian furrowed brows trying to find words. “People shaped? No, you’re always a person. When you’re _not_ snake shaped?” 

Crowley found herself smiling at him trying so very hard to make sense of it. Oh even if she had thought he knew, he really hadn’t, but was _trying_. “It’s complicated. This body is mostly human, just, not enough, so it makes it somehow worse. It’s stupid, honestly. I get colder as a human than as a giant snake since its more… normal isn’t quite what I want. Solid? Mortal? Corporeal? Earthly? Yeah that, earthly… it belongs to this place. Being just a gigantic snake, that’s just outright occult so doesn’t pay attention to things like the temperature. This… I’m not cold blooded, I just get cold easy. I can change a lot of things about this body, but … I _am_ a snake, so some of that always comes through.” 

“But you can change stuff?” 

“Yes and no. I can change certain aspects of body at will. That part is sort of like changing clothes would be for you. Other things take time or are just beyond ability to change. Can’t do anything about the eyes or the mark, that’s what makes it mine to be able to change the rest. I couldn’t change the rest without letting some of the serpent through.” 

“How do you know which one to pick?” 

“Hmm?” 

Brian suddenly looked down, realizing that he’d veered into different territory. “Like… if you can pick, how do you know how to pick whether you’re a woman or a man?” 

“Sometimes it’s neither.” 

Brian’s head snapped back up. “What do you mean, neither?” 

“Gender’s kind of optional for us.” Crowley shrugged. “It’s more opt in. So we can pick either, neither, some of each, change at will. Aziraphale can too.” 

“Does he always look like that? Is he …. he?” 

“For a long, long time now. He’s almost always male. Really the main change is he’s gotten softer with time, but that’s mostly on purpose. He has a very specific way he likes to be seen.” 

“Are you going to stay like this?” 

“Don’t honestly know. I change semi-frequently. It’s not always as obvious as today. Today I felt like I wanted to be obvious, to be _seen_.” She swept hand downward, indicating all of her. 

“So how do you pick when you’re going to be a man?” She could feel there was something a bit more than just curiosity about her behind that, but wasn’t going to give into temptation to use powers to just know what he wanted. She suspected Brian might not know what he wanted either. 

“Some of it just feeling like its right, being happy with what I see in myself. So make outside and inside match, so I can show people who I am. Some of it is how I feel matches a specific way I want people to perceive me. When I want them to see me as a man. Some days its convenience because I don’t want to deal with being perceived as something other than a man. Are you feeling like you’re not…?” 

“No... not exactly.” There it was. Brian looked downward again. 

“What are you actually trying to ask me?” Crowley consciously softened voice a little. 

“Dunno. Earlier… I like hugs from people I know. But now I’m not supposed to.” Tuft of grass got kicked. “And I’m not supposed to feel something about that change. Like I’m supposed to want to not to, or to want to do other things with girls.” 

“Do you not like girls?” Crowley made it sound as neutral as possible, that any answer he gave to that was the right answer. 

“I feel weird about hugging girls I don’t know well. But if I knew them better, yeah, that would be nice. But maybe like other things too? Later? When I knew them better?” Brian was clearly struggling to find words to describe feelings. “But I don’t even know what that might be and now I’m supposed to like _just_ that thing that I don’t know what it is exactly. And it feels… I don’t like it.” 

Crowley tried to tease out exactly what she was being told. “Why don’t you feel like you can hug girls?” 

Brian was silent for a moment and then just let words pour out. “I’m not supposed to hug boys either. Definitely not boys. Or girls. Just everything is like that. Hear some of that at school, but mostly I’m with the Them. It doesn’t matter with them, mostly. I feel a little weird about Pepper now, but she’s Pepper, so its not the same I think as I’m supposed to feel about other girls. She’d be real mad if I said she wasn’t like other girls though. Like there’s something wrong with them being girls, even though she doesn’t always like being a girl. But I hear it other places too. My uncles have been visiting and taking me out on weekends. I don’t have to go play cricket with them today cuz I’m here, so that’s good. They don’t like Wensleydale.” 

“What’s their problem with Wensleydale?” 

“Everything…. But its sort of stuff I hear at school now too. But he’s always been that way, but now somehow it’s wrong, and weird. Don’t like it.” Brian looked back up at her, a spark of anger there on behalf of his friend. 

Crowley stewed for a minute, picturing what sort of things people might say about Wensleydale and coming to conclusion she rather didn’t like it either. “You asked me how I knew which one to pick.” 

“Yeah. If you can be …. not, why put up with all this?” 

“Not’s an option, you know.” 

“For humans?” 

“Yes. Gender is really a human thing. So all the options I named… those are options for you. They just might require a bit more effort.” 

Brian seemed to be chewing on that for a minute. “I don’t think not is right. I like being a boy. I do.” 

“But?” 

“I like being a boy, not liking some of this young man stuff.” 

“Pepper and her family have always had strong opinions about that. You talked to them?.” 

“My uncles really don’t like Pepper.” No surprise there. 

“How do they feel about Adam?” 

“He’s okay. The ‘right sort’” There was that sense of repeating someone else’s words. 

“How do they feel about Mr. Young?” 

“Okay, I think?” 

“How do you like him?” 

“He’s kind of boring?” Brian frowned. “That sounded meaner than I meant it. But he’s always there. We weren’t sure we’d get to come today cuz we weren’t sure who’d bring us, but he didn’t even consider not bringing us when Adam asked. But we didn’t think to ask him first, cuz he’s always there?” 

“And how’s your Dad?” 

“He’s my Dad. I love him…. But I don’t like him as much when my uncles are around.” Brian looked downward again and there was a hint of shame in that admission. “They’re his brothers. I’m supposed to like them because they’re his brothers… but I’m not sure he really likes them.” There was a long pause. “I don’t think he likes himself as much when they’re around.” 

“This is really first I’ve heard you say anything about them. Were they not that close before?.” 

“...it’s really complicated. They just moved back here. There was thing with lawyers and they need to do some stuff in country, with rest of family for awhile, for reasons? I don’t really understand what’s happening and everyone is giving me the “it’ll make sense when you’re older” explanation.” 

“There’s a little truth to that, but it doesn’t automatically happen. Some stuff doesn’t make sense ‘til you’re older just because you don’t have the experience or words to make sense of what’s happening. You need that in-between experience to be able to organize it, make sense of it. But if you don’t get that, it won’t just automatically make sense just because you’re older. Sometimes people tell you that because they don’t even have the words to explain what’s happening to them, so definitely can’t explain it to you. They’re telling you it’ll make sense when you’re older, because they’re telling themself that.” 

“I don’t like it... but I guess that makes a little more sense.” Still frowning, but it had loosened up a little so he looked more thoughtful than angry. 

“We just talked about not having a gender at all is an option. And you didn’t know that before that. It would be hard to have a conversation about that with someone that didn’t have the words to tell you that was true about them if they didn’t have words for that themself. Now, that specific example is probably not what’s going on with family, but something like that, where they don’t understand well enough to explain, that might be it. I’m literally older than dirt and sometimes I can’t figure out words to explain stuff.” 

Brian looked back up at her. “Do you actually mean literally literally?” 

“I’m so old, I’m not sure I can actually make you _understand_ how old that is. I can tell you a number, but it won’t necessarily make you understand what that actually means. Which sort of illustrates point right there. Sometimes it’s really hard to find a way to make yourself understood, even if you want to.” 

“So when you two go on about stuff that happened centuries ago like you were there, you really mean it?” 

“Yes. We try not to in front of you, but we sometimes forget you weren’t there. That sounds stupid, but its kind of true? It’s like when your parents talk about stuff that happened before you were born like you should somehow remember it. It’s not that they don’t remember you weren’t there, but sometimes you feel so strongly about someone being part of your life, you feel like they’re so important now, they must have been there forever, so you forget they weren’t.” 

“Oh.” Brian’s eyes had gotten rather wide at that. 

Crowley realized she’d been too honest for both of them. “And sometimes we’re just stupid and talk too much.” 

There was few minutes of awkward silence stretching out so it seemed forever even to Crowley. Brian finally said something “That’s kind of reassuring.” 

“What?” 

“You’re old AND stupid.” Brian said it like he was teasing, but wasn’t quite sure how it would be taken. 

Crowley grinned at him. “Hey now, I am not old and stupid. I am _ancient_ and stupid. Sometimes I even know it, too. There’s always more questions to ask.” 

“Thanks.” 

“For what?” 

“Letting me ask.” 

“I like questions. Gets me in trouble a lot.” There was that faint hint of sadness, but Crowley pushed it out of voice. “But you ask me what you like. Sometimes I don’t know. Sometimes I’m not sure how to give an answer in a way that would make sense to you. And sometimes I can’t answer because it’s not my answer to give.” 

“What do you mean, it’s not your answer to give?” 

“I’ll answer you with a question. You said some things to me about your family today, about how you felt, that I don’t think you have told them. Do you think I’m going to tell your parents about that?” 

Brian had a think about that. “No. Not about this.” 

“Do you understand what I mean then by its not my answer to give?” 

“I think so. It’s my choice what to tell them about how I feel. But there are things you would tell my parents?” 

“A few. If I thought you really needed help and the only way I could give it was by talking to your parents, then yes, I might tell them the things they needed to know to do that.” 

“And if I didn’t agree that you should have told them?” 

“Sometimes we’re gonna disagree and I’m gonna fuck it up, but it was because I thought you were asking for my help just by telling me. But most of the time I’m just going to listen and let you sort it through yourself what you wanted to ask. If you wanted to ask for something at all. Sometimes that’s really what you needed, just someone to say things out loud to, to get them to ask the question you couldn’t quite figure out how to ask yourself.” 

Brian looked like he was having a long hard think about that. Crowley could just wait patiently, but knew silence was starting to weigh on Brian after a little bit. “C’mon, lets go find some more snakes to show the rest of them. And to be clear, I really did think you all knew. So tomorrow tell Adam, Pepper and Wensleydale that I really am an actual snake snake, not just dramatic. A dramatic snake. Both are true.” 

“And the rest?” 

“I’d prefer to explain it myself, but it’s an answer you can give if you need to. I’m not sure if your parents know that I change gender sometimes, they might, but I should probably talk to them directly. Hopefully it won’t be a problem.” 

“My parents like you. ...I don’t think you’ve been mentioned to my uncles. You’re probably going to end up Sunday dinner topic tomorrow ‘cause I was here today.” Brian suddenly looked rather concerned. 

“I sense your Uncles probably are not going to approve.” 

“They’d like your car and hate everything else. Unless one of you is really into cricket and have never mentioned it.” 

“Nope. If they don’t like Wensleydale, I assume they really would dislike Aziraphale.” 

“Probably. But he looks posh, so that might make up for it.” 

“Do you want me to wait to talk to your parents about this, or do you want me to talk to them tonight so you don’t have to worry tomorrow about what to call me?” 

“I’m not sure what I want to call you other than Crowley.” 

“Fair. You can go with that. If it avoids you having to deal with something that shouldn’t be your problem in the first place, go ahead and call me whatever you want. I only like to actually cause trouble when I can control it. And I definitely don’t want to add to whatever is going on with your family right now. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone else having an issue with me over something you have no control over.” 

“I wish it was that simple all the time.” 

“I am very familiar with being considered the wrong kind of people to hang out with.” Crowley kept voice carefully neutral.. 

Brian scowled at that. “Tell my parents. Dinner’s going to be bad no matter what. I have to wear a tie.” 

“The tie is the real deal breaker.” 

“It _is_.” 

* * *

Brian stayed relatively close to Crowley after that as she continued stalking snakes, though she had put away as much of her own snake self as she could and just focused on finding good hunting spots that would appeal to a snake. She pointed out to Brian all the little details she was looking for with regards to rodent runs through the grass, how the sun fell, and if it was under just enough cover to keep snake safe from aerial predators. Since they were being rather quiet, they managed to see quite a few little rodents zipping along runs and even one shrew. Crowley spotted eight more small to medium size snakes before Brian managed to spot one first. 

“Good job. Hold that position while I get picture with you and the snake in it. Then I know this was the one you found.” Crowley took a few pictures, including a rather nice one of Brian looking back at her and grinning with utter delight, which she made a mental note to herself to send to his parents later. “Want to call the rest to see your find?” 

“Yeah!” 

“Anybody want to see an adder?” No response, so Crowley tried again louder. 

“Where are you?” from Pepper, who sounded a ways off. 

“Come round this way, follow my voice. Brian found a nice one. Walk up slow to not scare it off.” 

Pepper came round one of the rhododendrons nearby and saw Brian pointing somewhere in front of her. It took her a moment to spot what he was pointing at. 

“Oh.” It wasn’t exactly fearful but there was a little edge of concern there as it was a good size adder. Which at that point determined there were several large somethings way too close by and quickly shot off into the grass. 

Pepper made a startled noise and then glared at Brian, daring him to say anything. “Where have you two been? You’re not supposed to wander off.” 

“Snake hunting. Brian’s been with me nearly the whole time. They still on math lesson?” 

“No. I went to go look at a badger hole nearby while they were trying to explain all that. Came back to them when they yelled that Dog found a skull. You didn’t come for that, so we were just starting to look for you two.” 

“Well got both of us now, let’s see this skull.” 

Pepper guided them back. They weren’t actually that far from the rest, just at the edge of shouting distance as they could faintly hear Adam yelling for Brian after they got past thicket of rhododendrons Pepper had come around. Crowley picked up Aziraphale calling for him a few seconds later, with slight hint of distress coloring voice. 

“Oi! Pepper found us!” A minute or so walk and they came up on them and heard Adam yelling to his father that they’d turned up and should meet back at skull. 

Adam and Wensleydale looked relieved to see them but then were eager to show Brian the find. Mr. Young gave Crowley very brief little nod and then turned to watching kids poke at something in the ground. 

Aziraphale looked a bit cross. "Where have you been?” 

“Looking for snakes. Just being quiet so as to not scare animals. Brian was with me nearly the whole time.” 

“Did you find any?” There was a slight edge there. 

Crowley shrugged, trying to look casual. “Just the usual sort. Adders mostly. Got pictures. Had nice talk. Heard you guys found a skull?” 

“Dog did.” Aziraphale narrowed eyes briefly at her before huffing ever so slightly and taking her hand to lead her over. 

“Sorry. I should have stayed closer.” Crowley gave his hand a slight squeeze. That got him to pull her closer and wrap his arm around her waist instead. 

The kids were now arguing over what kind of wild animal had killed what looked like a roe deer. Mr. Young suggested they look for more bones, but that proved fairly fruitless. “Most likely a car got it then. Something just dragged off the head.” 

“It’s not quite full grown from the size of it.” from Aziraphale. “It wasn’t dragged down a hole, so probably not a fox or badger that carried it up here. Most likely either a stray dog carried it up here or a large bird. Still, none of them would have carried it great distances, so I think we can mark this off as there were roe here recently. Do you think you can give a guess to age, dear?” 

“If you can get it out, I can.” Dog had already dug it most of the way out, so Adam mostly just had to wiggle it to pull it free. Crowley turned it over, looking at the different stains and marks on it. It was partially charred, though it had white edges where mice and squirrels had chewed on them for minerals. The other part of it was stained from the soil, but not blackened, so it had been starting to get buried before the fire went through. Much of the front and back was missing, but the orbits of the eyes and the teeth were still mostly intact. 

“Not sure exactly but it died before the fire that went through here, so before 2003. And was down to bone by then, but that happens fast. Soil profile looks like it wasn’t very deep, so not too much before that. If there hadn’t been brush fire, it likely would have been chewed up a lot more than it is. So maybe around 2000 would be my guess. Landowner might have records from then.” 

She handed skull to Adam who held it like it was precious. “That’s really old.” Brian briefly gave Crowley A Look, which Aziraphale unfortunately caught. 

“Thinking of which, we should get out of here.” 

“Aw, are we leaving?” Adam looked at father for confirmation. 

Arthur gave him a little smile. “Aziraphale suggested a bit of an adventure earlier.” 

“I’m not sure adventure is right term. We were going to take you to show you something. We’ve been out here quite a few times but we haven’t gotten to walk around the whole place so there’s something we are aware of but haven’t investigated on ground. So there might be nothing... But should be some type of ruin.” 

“Wicked!” Adam was all smiles again. The kids were now all excited to leave. 

Mr. Young pointed toward path. “Head on out to the path and then we’ll give you more directions to get there.” They were off like a shot, leaving adults to take more cautious walk out. 

“Oh, I do hope they’re not disappointed.” Aziraphale sounded rather worried that this would not live up to expectations. 

“Don’t worry, angel, even if they are, we can get them excited by how many sites like this are hidden in plain sight.” 

They got out to path where kids were antsy. “Come oooon.” 

“I don’t run unless there’s screaming involved.” Crowley put up finger at kids as she could see that bit of mischief on faces and gave them a stern look. Not that they believed it. 

Aziraphale had fished Crowley’s tablet out of satchel while they were walking out. “Come over and look at the bigger map we have here and I’ll show you how to get to right point so you can run a bit ahead.” Everyone clustered around while they looked at a much more detailed map than had been given to them at orientation. 

“We should be here.” He pointed at well laid out section with clear path laid out. “We are going to go over to here.” He waved hand over a section with mostly old notations from previous maps and a neat note simply saying “earthwork?” 

“I didn’t mark it on here as we hadn’t actually walked that section, but there was a game trail over here. So even though this right fork is closer, left fork and game trail should get us closer without having to wade through nettles. Do look out for those.” The kids nodded at that. They’d all worn long pants for a reason. 

“So you can run ahead to the fork and take the left, but don’t go past the large oak or you’ll have missed it. Come back if you find that.” 

“How large is large?” from Brian. 

“LARGE. It’s an isolated tree you’ll be able to see it easily if you go too far.” 

“Got it!” and off the went. They’d run out of steam on running pretty fast or get distracted by something, so they shouldn’t have to hurry that much. But letting them run would burn off some energy. 

“Well I think that was a big hit.” Aziraphale still sounded a little uncertain, but kids enthusiasm was contagious. 

“You saw how excited they were with this skull. Now ruins? Kids love spooky.” 

Somewhere much further ahead than they thought kids would be by now, they could hear a female voice yell “Where are your parents?!” but didn’t catch the Thems reply. 

“Uuuugh, we might actually have to run.” Crowley picked up pace just a hair, which forced Aziraphale to as well or lose his grip on her. 

“They’re fine” from Mr. Young, who was busy packing pipe now that they were out on mostly bare ground for a bit. “They need help, they’ll be back. If they don’t, they’ll continue running.” 

“You seem very sure about that.” Crowley was less so. 

“I trust Adam to not get into trouble beyond his ability to deal with or if he does, to ask for help.” 

“He is very capable.” There was a bit of admiration in Aziraphale’s tone. 

Mr Young lit pipe and took a few puffs to get it going. “Always been adventurous lad. No stopping him really once he has his mind set on something. Just really been trick of holding him back just enough that he can see the in-between steps to get to where he wants. It’s a balancing act between getting him to consider he could fall if he’s not careful but not making him so fearful he won’t do anything. You climbed up, now climb down instead of jumping from the top. Or at least wait til I’m there to catch you before you jump. Never had any fear of heights. Absolute devil of a toddler. Used to open all the kitchen drawers so he could climb on top of the fridge and jump off once he got bored. Miracle he never broke anything. It’s like he thought he could fly.” 

“That sounds terrifying.” Crowley meant it. If she’d found Warlock doing that… “What did you do about it?” 

“We tried latches first, but he kept figuring those out somehow and then we couldn’t get the drawers open ourselves. We ended up putting a bell on top of the fridge so he’d ring that if he figured out how to get up there. There he’d be sitting on top of the fridge, all smiles and clapping his hands going “down, down” at me. And then I’d let him jump down to my arms, so it was a game instead of us yelling at him. We shouldn’t be getting mad at him figuring it out. If we couldn’t outsmart a toddler, that was on us.” 

“I don't think I could have stayed calm through that happening all the time. When did he stop?” 

“Well we figured he needed some kind of outlet that appealed to him more than the fridge. Deirdre signed him up for Mommy and Me swim classes and once he could swim, then he could climb up the diving board and jump off til he was too tired to do it again and was ready for a nap. Worked out in the long run since we don’t have to be worried when the kids go off to the quarry to swim in summer. Should go out with them some time, see him show off all the fancy dives he knows.” 

“Just so long as he’s not going to try and get us to jump off things. I can only swim well enough to get out of water I fell in and don’t much care for it.” Crowley shuddered dramatically, that sort of full body twitch like a horse dislodging flies. 

“Really he’s likely only to coax you in long enough to make sure you can swim at all, if that. He's very sweet with the little kids that are still afraid of putting their face in the water. But for you, there’s usually a potluck out there just before fall term starts. I’ll ask Deirdre about the dates for this year. Then there’s as many people not swimming as are, so it won’t be odd if you chose not to go in.” There was no judgement in Mr. Young’s voice at Crowley’s obvious discomfort with swimming. 

“Appreciate it. Though it seemss a ssilly thing to be… poor at at my age.” Crowley could hear that bit of hiss in her voice. Alright, scared of. Any open water over her head was really way too deep ever since… no. And diving and being totally submerged, definite no. She shuddered again at the whole idea. 

“It’s a skill. I’m not nearly as good at it as Adam or even Deirdre. That’s been their thing together for awhile, so I haven’t gotten nearly as much practice. Lot of adults haven’t or just don’t enjoy it.” 

Aziraphale chipped in. “I’m reasonable at swimming, though I can’t say it’s activity I’d usually pick. For this, I think I would rather need to wear _something_ for that.” 

“Yes, please. It’s not THAT sort of swim club.” 

“Hang on, wait, angel, _really?_” 

“Not recently. Bracing really. Supposed to be good for your health. But, not appropriate for this situation. I can probably find swim trunks in tartan.” 

“Ngk.” 

“Tartan is _stylish_.” 

“That’s not… When were you skinny dipping? 

“Last time I was in Finland. After a sauna. There’s the ice swimming club in London, of course, but it’s not quite the same experience and they do require a suit.” 

“Ice… swimming... “ 

“Yes, go from sauna to hole cut in the ice for a brief dip. Very invigorating.” Aziraphale sounded very enthusiastic about the whole thing. 

“I would DISCORPORATE. And humans do that for FUN?” Crowley might have nightmares about the entire concept later. 

“There is usually a lot of drinking afterward. But it’s how a lot of business was done, so really, that’s why I took all those jobs for you, my dear. I knew you wouldn’t have enjoyed it.” 

Mr Young fortunately seemed to be stuck on wrapping head around entire concept of Aziraphale being the one that thought this was fun, so might have missed the “discorporate” and “humans” part of the conversation. Probably. Hopefully. He was smoking his pipe in a way that said he was trying to adjust world view to match this information. 

They caught up to point where kids had gotten yelled at and found a small group of adults trying to sort out map. “Those your kids went past?” 

“Yes.” Arthur didn’t even slow down. 

“You shouldn’t let them go so far away!” 

“Little running is good for kids.” 

“But, what if they…” 

“Is delaying me to complain actually protecting my kids?” 

There was some muttering at that and a half heard “rude” but Mr Young clearly wasn’t going to put up with false concern from strangers. Crowley merely grinned as they went past, enjoying watching people getting mad over their meddling being rebuffed. 

They made it to the fork shortly thereafter and the Them came bouncing back a minute or two later, having found the oak they’d been told to turn back at. But having run for a bit, they now seemed content to walk, though still faster than the adults. Still excited, but more contained. They got tasked with finding the game trail where it split off, which let them get a bit ahead and then slow down while they looked more intently. Mr. Young finished off his pipe shortly before the kids found where the game trail wound off into the meadow. It was just wide enough for them to walk along single file, so Aziraphale had to let go of Crowley. 

Aziraphale got to be in the lead as he had the best idea of where they’d need to bushwhack off the trail to find the earthwork he’d seen from air. When they reached the right spot, Adam scooped up Dog as undergrowth was thick enough he’d likely get leash snagged and letting him bound ahead in unknown territory might land him somewhere unsafe. Mr Young offered to take him a few times as they hit uneven bits of ground, but Adam was determined to carry his dog. He’d brought him, he’d keep him safe. 

The area had rather heavier ground cover than the section they’d been in before, though a better line of sight as it had larger, isolated trees and fewer shrubs. It looked like this area might have fared better in the year of drought and fire. They caught movement ahead and a flash of reddish coat as a roe slid off into heavier cover, ears pinned back. 

“They’re still here!” Adam kept it to an excited whisper but looked half inclined to follow the deer. Dog whined and squirmed and strained to be put down and Adam pulled him close. 

They picked along until Aziraphale made an “ah!” noise and pointed out a sprawling yew. “That was on the north side of the center portion, assuming its the same tree.” 

The kids picked up the pace again to get over by tree. It was old enough that the center trunk had died out and the lower limbs had now sprung back up from the ground to form a mass of related trunks on one root mass. 

“Are you sure this is right tree?” Adam sounded rather disappointed. 

Aziaphale got over by them and oriented himself to put the tree north of him. “Yes. These are just old ruins, so they’ve been swallowed by the land. Look in that direction and you can start to pick it out.” 

The kids looked at the meadow but nothing leapt out at them and screamed “ruins.” If there was supposed to be some sort of sudden revelation, it wasn’t happening. 

Crowley made it over and looked southward. “What was the overall shape we were looking for?” 

“Interior square, a relatively small cottage. The edge was within a few feet of this.” Aziraphale gestured in air, sketching out rough shapes as he talked. “There was a faint square to the left, about half again as big, probably a stable or shed. The whole thing had a large ring around it.” 

The kids spread out in a line and kicked through grass until Adam yelped slightly. “There’s a big rock!” and the Them converged on him. It wasn’t that big a rock, but it appeared to have been partially squared off with tools. Aziraphale took a quick look at it, then focused on trying to line his body up with the wall. 

Crowley crouched and ran hand over edge, getting texture of it. “Similar to the stones we were finding for old path markers. Either all from the same quarry somewhere nearby or they may have been pulled from here itself.” 

“So the rest of the building got stolen?” Pepper sounded like she didn’t approve of that. 

“Mmm, more reused. There might be quite a lot under the ground level.” 

“Can you see it then?” Wensleydale sounded like she though Crowley might well be able to see into the earth. 

“Can’t directly. Aziraphale, you figured it out yet?” 

“Almost, dear.” She could see him holding arm out and sighting along it, using it to match his mental aerial map up with visual cues. “Yes, I think so now. This northern wall should be aligned this way.” 

The kids stared in the direction Aziraphale was pointing, trying to make sense of the riot of plants. Wensleydale suddenly got a look like he saw the pattern of it. 

“This is much easier to see from above…. Hmm. Focus on the bluish bit of chicory out there...” Aziraphale moved hand slightly to point more specifically. “To get the alignment right, then just let your eyes lose focus and then you should see the difference in the ground cover.” 

Adam, Pepper, and Brian stared along the line indicated but NOT focusing was not happening. Wensleydale offered Adam his glasses, who tried them on and then rolled head around while making a face “This is so weird! How do you see with these?” 

“Adam.” Just slight rebuke from father. 

“Sorry.” 

”s’alright” 

“Wensleydale’s prescription just might be too strong to not end up confusing you. When I’m trying to see a pattern in something that’s really cluttered, I’ll switch between looking over and looking through my glasses. You can try covering one eye, then the other, instead.” 

Adam handed Wensleydale back his glasses, who put them on. Crowley tilted head to look at him over tops of her glasses as he tilted head to do same and then grinned at her. “It was a good idea.” 

The kids tried switching between eyes and slowly did seem to spot the difference in vegetation. Adam picked it up first of the remaining three, now that he’d calmed down. 

“I see it, but _why_ is it different?” Pepper looked to Crowley for that answer. 

“With the stone underneath, it can’t hold much water and only things with shallow roots will grow over the top of it. So there’s that foot or so of different terrain. But its narrow, so it’s not easy to see unless you’re lined up just right. Go find the corners. We’ve got four of you.” 

The kids spread out and tried to do just that. Aziraphale gave them a general estimate of size, so once they found the first one, it became a lot easier to find the others. Crowley let Aziraphale take lead on that. Usually she’d have done it, but she was enjoying watching him point out details to the kids that she’d explained to him in the past. Watching him indicate spot where flowers were already in bloom while the neighbors were still in bud because the soil temperature was different really shouldn’t make her feel so stupidly tender. Seeing that he’d understood it well enough to pass on, she suddenly felt sure they really were both seeing the world in the same way. At least some of the time. 

He turned slightly to look at her as apparently he could feel her gaze on him. She pressed hand over mouth and waved at him with other, blushing slightly at having been so obvious about it he’d sensed shift. He smiled at her with that brilliant, but confused smile and mouthed a simple ‘what’ as so far as he was concerned he hadn’t been doing anything to warrant that reaction. She mouthed back ‘later’ and pulled tablet out also she could mark GPS coordinates on map while she composed herself. 

In the process of finding the corners, they found a few more places where stone stuck up from the ground, but it had mostly vanished under years of soil buildup. There was one slightly higher spot that bumped out slightly that had probably once been a hearth or oven. Now that Crowley had gotten herself back together, she had the Them stand at the corners with arms stretched out to indicate where walls had once stood while she got a picture of them. 

“Is there more?” Adam was back to sounding eager. 

Aziraphale pointed outward. “There’s a surrounding ditch and berm. There was likely a fence on it originally, but that’s long since gone.” 

“How far out?” 

“Not sure of exact distance. It’s quite a bit bigger than the house. It has the reverse pattern of here. The ditch is wetter than surrounding, so has more and bigger vegetation. Once you find it, it goes all the way around except for an opening. That might have had a gate. Start over that way and it shouldn’t be past that thicket. That might actually be in the ditch.” 

The kids went haring off to find the ditch and were arguing about how to do that. They could see them try the same visual tricks from before, but they weren’t quite working as well. Adam and Pepper were closest to each other in height so got idea to walk along in a straight line out, one behind the other, and when they ended up at different heights from ground level change then they might well have it. 

“This isn’t quite what they were picturing as ruins, but they seem happy.” from Aziraphale. 

“No gold or ancient curses.” Arthur looked fond anyway. “Though now that he knows what to look for, may be finding all new adventures right at home.” 

“We do have some older maps for the area around Tadfield if you think he might like to give it a try. They’re considerably harder to interpret, so he might have to work up to those.” 

“Won’t know until we try. Though he may have a lot more questions for you then.” 

“Always like those” from Crowley, who looked just as fond at the kids. “Though we’ve about hit my limit on archaeology knowledge. Just going to hand over rough dimensions and then someone else can do all the digging.” 

The Them were currently making some excited noises and had picked up pace as they might have found outer ring and were now going around it. Dog had gotten put down and they could hear some excited barks as he ran with them. 

“That does seem about right to match up with aerial view. They may have it.” 

The kids stopped before making a full circuit and waved at them to come over. Adam pointed at slight roll in ground as adults ambled over. “It stops here then restarts over there, so this was where gate was at?” 

Aziraphale nodded. “Probably a wood gate, which is all gone now.” 

“Did that get stolen too, or rot away?” from Wensleydale 

Crowley shrugged. “It depends on why the building was abandoned and for how long. But any type of building material took time and effort to acquire, so if the people had all died, all the easily transportable material would get reused relatively quickly.” 

“So they died and people just came over and stole everything, including the gate?” Pepper clearly very much disapproved. 

Azirphale frowned a little “Stole is not quite right description. Their nearby relatives would have taken things for their own family. Building material, livestock, unharvested crops. If only some of the family here died, they may also have moved in with a relative and taken what they could carry with them. Its old enough that no ruins were shown on the oldest map I had, which was a copy of a copy of a map from 1790. So whatever happened was well before then. Why the place was abandoned though, that is harder to tell.” 

“Can you?” There was that little hint of almost command in Adam’s voice. This was a _request_. 

“No. Perhaps Crowley has a better idea.” 

“No, not for something this old. I can make some guesses. It could just be climate changed and their crops failed and they moved on. If drought was long enough, no one would move back and it would fall out of use. Or it could have been due to plague. Nobody would want to move in, but things outside they’d still take, especially if their own families had lost people. They needed them more than they were afraid they might be cursed.” 

“So there might be dead people still in there?” Adam sounded a little too excited. 

“Maybe? I don’t really want to go digging things up.” 

“Because it might be cursed?” from Pepper. 

“It’s not cursed. I could tell _that._ Digging up plague victims, that’s disrespectful and just a bad idea.” 

“That’s how zombie movies start!” from Wensleydale. 

Aziraphale put up a hand “Unless it was a catastrophic plague, people would have come to bury them properly. They wouldn’t have just left them there. They would have had them buried in a family graveyard or by the local church. There shouldn’t be any dead bodies in the cottage.” 

“If digging up bodies is disrespectful, wouldn’t archaeology in general be disrespectful?” from Wensleydale. 

“Sometimes.” Pepper had a rather hard look. “Did you ask permission and do it in a respectful way? Or did you just show up and dig up the cool stuff and when people said “hey, those are ours”, won’t give them back? That’s definitely stealing.” 

“Alright, alright before we get too far into that debate, this is a parcel we were invited to help do maps for, so, whether the current land owner allows this site to be dug up is going to be up to them. We may well leave this off the public maps until they decide what they want to do.” 

“That seems like a good idea.” Pepper seemed mollified. 

“Not sure if it was in the shorter packet you got, but leaving certain things off public record was mentioned in the detailed one we got. Sometimes you don’t want to tell too many people where something is, because if too many people know, eventually one of them might turn out to be the one that wants to do it harm.” 

Mr Young had been mostly silent through much of this. But now was looking at kids. “Or just do it harm without meaning to. Think of the washed out trail in Hogback Woods from just the people who live there using it. Now that the trail is publicly marked again, more people will visit. If you hadn’t fixed it up, it would have gotten worse and worse. Some parts might get like that if we don’t keep close eye on it.” 

Brian looked like he was thinking. “So, here… if you wanted people to be able to come see, but not mess it up, you’d want to lay out specific paths, yeah?” 

“Yeah! These are really cool, but if people walked wherever they want, you might not see the outline anymore. It was already real hard.” Adam looked excited by the whole thing. “So you make paths so people can see the puzzle, but not mess it up. So you can share, but safely.” 

Aziraphale looked directly at Adam. “If you’d like to try hand at that, we’d talked earlier with your father about sending you copies of some of the older maps for Tadfield area. Some of those might turn up similar sites near you which you can discuss doing that sort of thing with whoever owns land. So you can help find a balance between preserving things so they can be enjoyed, while also allowing them _to_ be enjoyed.” 

“That sounds wicked! Getting to be guardians of something special!” Adam smiled at his father, who looked rather pleased as his enthusiasm. 

“Does, doesn’t it?” Crowley grinned at Aziraphale who looked like he was about to say something to perhaps temper Adam’s enthusiasm and then just stopped with mouth open as got this brief ‘oh’ look on face before looking back at Crowley. 

“I’m… I’m glad you think so.” Aziraphale’s ears were going rather red. 

“Though… maybe we should leave here. So we don’t do any damage accidentally before others get to see it” from Brian. “Let the deer have it back til then” 

“We can head back out and do some more sightings along the existing path.” from Mr Young. 

“Let’s do.” Everyone seemed to be in agreement and hush fell over them as they looked over site one last time, taking it the little details showing where people had once been before nature reclaimed the site. They could see the more modern signs of their own presence where the grass had been pushed out of way by their walk in. They trooped back out along same way so as to leave as little sign of their visit behind as possible. 

* * *

They spent a bit more time on the far paths marking down some more species. But the kids finally seemed to have lost some of the bounce in their step as they had been out for hours now. Wensleydale’s mum had packed them all snacks, but those were long since gone. There was still excitement there, but the lure of rest and a meal was winning out. They hadn’t run into that any other groups with children on the walk back in, though they’d still seen some older teens and adults out and about, though even they were looking weary. 

Dale was waiting out at the boundary stone, checking in a bunch of new arrivals with a large assortment of equipment. She waved at them as they came in. “Oh good, last of the morning crew. I was considering texting you to see if you’d forgotten to log out.” 

“Nope, kids just kept us going. But we really are headed out now.” 

“I am too now that the night shift in here and they can check out the rest of people.” 

“Night shift?” 

The group of new arrivals waved, who largely seemed to be of college age. “We’re camping out overnight to put up mist netting. Gotta get it up before dusk. Trying for some bats and night birds, if weather stays clear. Catch, measure, release back into the wild.” 

“That sounds wicked!” 

Crowley, Aziraphale, and Mr Young handed in the various checklists they’d used and returned clipboards while the kids badgered the grad students with questions about what they were aiming to catch and how often they got bitten by it. They took a moment to make sure all the books that had migrated to Aziraphale's bag were returned to the rightful owner. 

“Adam, kids, come along and let them get to work. I promised I’d get you all home for dinner.” Mr Young made a hand motion to get kids in motion towards car. It wasn’t that much further to go, but that they really were leaving was apparently just hitting kids and they were now reluctant to have the day end. 

They got down to parking area and Mr. Young’s car had ended up a bit further away from the trailhead than the Bentley, so they ended up making their goodbyes there. Mr. Young lead off with handshakes for them both “Nice seeing you. I’ll give you a call after I’ve talked to Deirdre, get you that date.” 

“It was lovely seeing you, give her my regards” Aziraphale smiled genuinely. And then turned to Wensleydale for more handshakes. Crowley could hear him reminding Wensleydale that he wanted to know next term about what pieces he was working on. 

Crowley looked at Brian and motioned with hand. “Get in here. Unless you changed your mind. That’s allowed.” Brian gave her an enthusiastic hug so obviously hadn’t changed his mind. She pulled him in close so she could speak softly enough to not be overheard. 

“Did you want me to talk to your parents before or after you get home?” 

“I dunno. After, I think. Can ….can we get a picture together? So they see you?” 

“I’d love to.” She released him and looked at others. “Oi, we got distracted and didn’t get pictures of us all together, so lets get one while we’re doing goodbyes or we’re going to end up starting all over again.” 

“We should have the skull in the picture!” from Adam. 

“Spooky. I like it. Mr. Young, if you could?” Crowley held out phone. Brian also produced his. 

They determined the Bentley was always a good backdrop. Aziraphale and Crowley got put in back, the kids in front. Adam handed off the skull so he could pick up Dog to be in picture. The skull got passed around so Mr. Young had to take a shot with each phone of Brian, Pepper, and even Wensleydale holding the skull. Then a set with just the Them. Crowley and Aziraphale swapped out so they could get some of Mr. Young with the kids. Plus some of just Mr Young holding Dog while Adam held the skull. Crowley promised to email him the pictures. 

The kids then swapped through taking pictures on the two phones of Crowley and Aziraphale with each of other Them. Wensleydale took the skull and held it over his head with both hands and a slightly wild look. He told Crowley and Aziraphale to rest a hand on each of his shoulders and then hold up their outer hands to be in line with where he had skull. It was all very dramatic. “You’ve been holding out on me as to just how much you like spooky.” 

“We have a cat.” As if that somehow was an explanation. Crowley just shook her head slightly at him with a half smile. Just when she thought him figured out… 

Pepper opted for just having them stand next to her as she was talking with Aziraphale during picture, recommending some books on hair for him that he should read. They sounded less like instructional books and more like sociological studies. She had Brian take a dozen semi-candid shots that way on just his phone and said she’d pick the best later. Maybe she’d send them a copy. Or not. She made it clear it was her decision. Pepper wasn’t camera shy exactly, she was just fine being in a group photo where she wasn’t the focus. But she was conscious of the power inherent in photos and liked to keep control over who saw them and in what context. 

Adam opted for standing in front of them both of them, with Aziraphale and Crowley having arms around each others shoulders. Adam held Dog under one arm and held the skull in the other hand. Kids love spooky, though Adam’s grin and Dog’s wagging tail made it look a lot more spoopy than spooky. 

Brian went between the two of them and wrapped his arm around behind their backs to rest it at their waists, which startled Aziraphale slightly. Brian initially requested they put hands on top of his shoulders, but they realized with how tall he was getting that was terribly awkward. Crowley was tall enough that she could loop arm behind Brian’s neck and drape her arm over his opposite shoulder. Aziraphale put his closer hand in his pocket rather than try and reach over Brian’s arm. He took Brian’s hand where it was wrapped around his waist and got it squeezed firmly while pictures were taken. 

“Did everyone gets pictures they wanted or did we need to retake some?” The kids had looked through pictures while the phones were being swapped for each set. 

Pepper currently was looking at Crowley’s and held up hand in a ‘wait’ gesture while she finished reviewing. “Yeah. These are good.” She handed it back to her. 

“We really do need to get going to get home for dinner, you’ve already said goodbye at least twice, so everyone get in the car.” 

“Awwww. Do group hug, then in the car?” from Adam 

A slight sigh, but Mr. Young just looked exasperated. “Yes, but quick.” 

It turned into the tangle of arms attempting to get everyone pulled in for that, Wensleydale letting out slight squeak at getting squished in between Aziraphale and Pepper when he tried to shake. Crowley tapped Pepper on shoulder so she’d turn and let Wensleydale slide out. Aziraphale and Crowley ended up having to reach over Adam’s shoulders so they could shake with Wensleydale. Adam was last to let them go and then bolted towards car like if he walked he’d be unable to leave. 

They ended up leaning against the Bentley and each other so they could wave as Mr. Young pulled out. It was still a few hours to sunset as it was just past solstice, but felt like it should be a lot later. 

“Alright angel, d’you want to go out for dinner or get takeway?” 

“I don’t want to have to talk to anyone else but you for at least a day.” 

“Takeaway it is. Pick something while we drive. If you don’t even want to talk to them, have me pull over and I’ll call it in.” 

“You spoil me.” 

“Always.” 

**NOTES**

1\. Crowley barely remembered meeting Arthur the night of Adam’s delivery and had been fairly sure Arthur Young didn’t remember her. But today, hearing that he’d known for awhile that Crowley was sometimes female and had just said nothing for months... There were only so many redheads wearing sunglasses at night and driving Bentleys after all… Crowley was no longer sure Arthur Young didn’t recognize her (or the Bentley more likely) and was just not saying anything until she brought it up. Which was going to be Never if she could help it. Back

2\. Crowley had gotten MOST of it updated via miracle by just changing dates, but had actually made sure to update her knowledge base too so could pass required tests if challenged. Over the millennia she’d had lies caught out for basic knowledge gaps enough times that she always did her homework for long term projects. Always build a lie on enough truth that its self supporting. Back

3\. Crowley and Aziraphale’s judgment on acceptable levels of meddling and method of doing so was, perhaps, a bit suspect. So, “An Emergency” meant they could just prevent imminent death or maiming without asking. If there was time to ask, it wasn’t An Emergency that rated capital letters, so they should ask.Back

4\. Still a demon, afterall. Always good at technicalities. Also cherished those technicalities and it was way too risky to mention. What if they then gave her something heartfelt _on purpose_? Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every gang needs a Brian :) 
> 
> In demonology, Ashtaroth is a Duke of Hell with power over serpents and can tutor you in math. Crowley’s not a Duke, but since Ashtoreth is close enough name to be confused with the Duke, she damn well better be able to answer math questions or he’s going to Have Words With Her. It also made sense with Crowley having been a star maker as its all lots of weird math. Which Legion of hell are you part of? The math one. No physical torture here, just having to solve word problems. Forever. (I was a mathlete. And I was varsity captain of the Engineering team, which is all Word Problems. My math hate is done with love)
> 
> I survived October, despite the soundtrack being Yakkity Sax on continuous loop! Please enjoy this photo from me at Halloween event giving away hundreds of scary books to children: https://www.instagram.com/p/B4Ff6dPAQ76/ 
> 
> NEXT TIME: Crowley is bad at eating, but not as bad as Aziraphale is at sleeping. But he has Reasons. He might even be able to figure out how to explain those reasons.  
that chapter is not going to be anywhere this size.


	6. Sharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley's better at coping right now than Aziraphale. Who really, really needs a nap. Before he says something he wasn't intending to. Oops, too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I logged in to post this chapter, the whole fic had just hit 666 views. :)

Crowley was good to her word that she was willing to handle all the talking in getting takeaway. Aziraphale had opted for one of his favorite places near the flat, so it had mostly consisted of Crowley calling and being asked if she wanted ‘the usual.” Caller ID was a gift and a curse. Today it was a gift since it didn’t require them to make any choices. This did mean they ended up with considerably more food than two people really could eat, especially when one of them who only sort of ate, but Aziraphale was happy to eat Chinese leftovers for breakfast so it was a win. They added a half a bottle of wine from the previous night’s dinner to the spread. Crowley was persuaded to have some soup and all the eggrolls, because they just weren’t as good later, and it made Aziraphale happy to hand her his. 

Crowley went to get undressed while Aziraphale put away leftovers. She carefully returned gifts to box, making sure they were still in good condition. Clothes got more casually tossed aside before she headed off for a quick shower. They’d briefly considered showering together, but Crowley had suggested Aziraphale might want a bath alone to relax after the day they’d had and he’d smiled softly at her “You don’t mind?” 

“Course not.” They could both fit in the bath, but then no reading got done. 

Crowley finished shower and drew bath for Aziraphale before letting him know it was set up. He’d made a pot of an herbal tisane that they both liked, Aziraphale for the sweet bits of pear in it, Crowley for the ginger. He took a cup for himself and then headed off with a tatty paperback that had fallen into two pieces already, so getting dropped in bath wasn’t going to make it significantly worse. The cover featured a woman in a half unzipped jumpsuit with a very large gun, a UFO, and several martial arts battles. Crowley was going to say absolutely _nothing_ about Aziraphale reading her books, especially if he was already up to book 56. 

She considered curling up with tea in bed to make promised phone call, but decided to handle that in the plant room instead, so Azirphale wouldn’t overhear. Not because she was hiding anything, but he’d said he didn’t want to talk to anyone else for rest of day, so she wasn’t even going to remind him that other people existed if she could avoid it. Also, drinking herbal tea while making disapproving noises at the plants always seemed to get them to try particularly hard. Shape up, or this could be _you_. Not that any of her current plants went in this particular blend, but they didn’t need to know that. 

She sat on the wide edge of planter for one of the largest plants and settled with her mobile. She found the picture she wanted of Brian with the snake he found and sent that off to his mum. Then followed up with the best of the ones they’d taken with her and Aziraphale and Brian in front of the Bentley. She’d posed for them, but hadn’t actually looked through them until now. She settled on the one where she and Brian were looking at each other like they were plotting something 1 while Aziraphale mock rolled his eyes at the two of them while simultaneously looking incredibly fond. 

She followed up with a text “Had a good time today. Glad Brian got to come. He thought you might have some questions about how I currently look and it might come up tomorrow. I’ll be up for another hour if you wanted to call and talk to me directly. Or just text later.” 

Now it was a waiting game to see if she got called. Calling and just outright explaining seemed _defensive_. She hadn’t done anything wrong by existing. Well, she was a demon, so sort of had by definition… but was now sort of retired. She had almost no regrets about no longer having any side but Aziraphale’s, but it still was sometimes hard to avoid old thoughts and habits about what qualified as ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ and which one of those things she was supposed to be doing. There were a lot of things about the earlier conversation she could justify as ‘wrong’ if Hell had come calling, but a lot she couldn’t really justify as anything one way or the other. And she didn’t have to justify or explain them to anyone, really, but there was that nagging desire to be understood, and that very well might require explaining. 

While sitting and waiting, she rearranged some of the stones in the top of some of the larger pots, turning them over in fingers before setting them back mostly where she’d picked them up from. A few got transferred between pots. They’d all since lost any trace of the one who’d handed them to her, but she remembered who or where they’d come from for many of the prettier ones. There were quite a few ones that had a groove worn into them from having lived in a pocket for decades. Running them through her fingers was a familiar motion, though there wasn’t nearly as much anxiety there now. She’d never discussed it with Aziraphale, but he’d also seemed unsurprised by the stones from plant room appearing on the nightstand constantly. He was merely surprised that she’d managed to fit anything at all in tiny pockets on her current trousers.2

The phone finally rang and she picked a stone up to hold while dealing with this. The actual phone call was better and worse than anticipated. The good thing was that the worst part was that she had both parents on speaker, so often had to repeat things. And they interrupted each other so she wasn’t sure who to answer. The rest was mostly questions she had semi anticipated. They seemed to be hung up on the fluid part. If she was just going to be female now, that was one thing, they’d get used to it That it might change again… what. And no it wasn’t just dressing different either. She didn’t think they quite understood, but they now had enough information that if it came up tomorrow, it wouldn’t be a surprise and Brian wouldn’t be fielding questions from everyone. It wasn’t exactly a bad conversation, but was one more tiring thing in a day of tiring things. 

She at least ended call feeling like she wouldn’t end up being forbidden to see Brian. She hadn’t quite realized ‘til today how much the kids had wormed their way into her affections with absolutely no way to ever justify her contact with them. Adam had been still somewhat work related, a lingering obligation, even if he was a charming one. The rest of the Them… it would be hard to justify why she was allowing herself to be drawn in while simultaneously submitting to rules that hamstrung her ability to do the wrong thing. There was no way to justify any of this to Hell… but it was freeing to not have to think of every relationship in terms of how to do that. 

That obligation done, she returned the stone to the pot and went to settle into bed with her phone to sort through the rest of the photos and catch up on her messages. 

First up was checking to see if Warlock had responded to the photo she’d sent him when she got dressed this morning. Crowley always tried to respond back to Warlock within 12 hours, as that’s often best she could manage with the time zone difference. Their relationship was rather fraught though, so Warlock often didn’t respond for days at a time, which gave Crowley anxiety as she’d then second guess every word she’d typed. At least a third of those turned out to be because the Dowlings had taken his phone, again, for bad behavior. Crowley alternated between feeling guilty and furious on Warlock’s behalf as the ‘bad behavior’ often could be traced back to how he was raised. It usually started as guilt, as she’d had such an influence on him that it wasn’t surprising that sometimes he was just genuinely a bit of an asshole. But often it cycled around to fury when it came out that Warlock’s ‘bad behavior’ was often standing up for himself and refusing to be hurt by adults. So they’d ground him and take his phone for being ‘disrespectful’ and Crowley often wouldn’t find out about it til long after the fact. And with Warlock back in America, there was even less she could _do_ about it .3

Warlock had sent back a picture of a very familiar and by now rather battered looking grey stuffed sock horse. Most of the mane was missing and the tail was down to a few strands. It still had the same weirdly off center mouth and stitched eyes that had always made it look a bit unsettling. It had stood up once, but years of being squeezed had made it floppy and a little deflated. It had an unfamiliar spot on it and a rather inexpertly applied new patch on one leg. 

“They threw out a lot of stuff when we moved. I rescued Rue.” 

This was a short trip straight to fury. So few words with that picture and yet it told her so much. She now likely had more of Warlock’s childhood things than he did. Oh, the Dowlings certainly had scrapbooks of pictures and some carefully curated items, but they were the ones they’d chosen, not ones Warlock had gotten to pick. Toys they’d decided he’d outgrown, those simply didn’t fit in with that carefully constructed image of his childhood. 

The only good part of communicating with Warlock primarily by text was that it gave her some time to edit what she was going to say. So several things were typed out and deleted before she settled on “I have several boxes of drawings and school projects that you gave to me over the years. I can give them all back if you like. Or I can have a list done up so you can pick and choose what you want yourself vs what you want me to hang on to.”4

She really did have a lot of items Warlock had handed her. Before this, she’d always been in position of not being able to hold on to anything except things with no clear meaning to anyone else OR things that clearly showed she was doing Hell’s work. 5 Sentimentality was a sure way to get what you cherish destroyed. But the Antichrist handing her things and saying “Look Nanny, it's you!”, that was evidence of doing Hell’s work. And you couldn’t just get rid of those things. The Antichrist gave it to her! No demon would dare risk his wrath by getting rid of a gift. That just made sense to keep it all. Have to hang on to them for extremely Hellish reason. All of them. Even the macaroni pictures. It had gotten very out of hand, honestly. 

She suspected Aziraphale probably had some mementos from Warlock buried in the shop, but he already had so much paper, Crowley had no idea where they were. They were well camouflaged. She just had never discussed it with him directly as right after Armageddon they weren’t even sure they should ever talk to Warlock again as they’d made such a mess of his life. Not talking to Warlock had proved an even worse choice, but by then the damage was done, and now they were still trying to patch things up. Though this might go a long way towards that. 

Still Crowley was furious and wasn’t quite sure where to direct her ire right now. Cursing the Dowlings was VERY tempting, but with them far away, very likely to go a bit awry due to lack of specificity. Causing them misery was likely to be taken out on those closest to them. 

She’d already terrified plants once this evening. She could go out and do something… but that required getting dressed again and she didn’t quite know how she wanted to look right now and she didn’t want Aziraphale to get out of the bath and find her gone… 

And so found herself in kitchen starting bread. Yeast would need a little while to rest after initial mixing but then she could spend a good while just kneading dough ‘til her mind settled on actually making bread instead of imagining digging her fingers into someone and _squeezing_. And at the end, she’d end up with something that would make Aziraphale do that little _wiggle_ And really, just thinking about that drained away some of her anger right there. She set out the rest of butter to warm up to room temperature in the meantime. 

But now it needed to wait a little bit and she ended up pacing around flat while getting all her email down to zero. She ignored the important stuff she should respond to later. 6 But the spam, that she sent every bit back to where it came from along with a string of curses, tying each subsequent one one into initial one. Spam was a very minor personal annoyance, but very few of the multitudes that had been annoyed by it had any way to seek any kind of retribution, so chaining it together to create this multiplying effect worked well to mimic what might happen if everyone actually could seek some petty retribution. It took careful crafting to keep it from spilling over to the wider internet, so she was intently focused on it before finally releasing the whole thing with the precision of a thrown knife. Several sketchy servers went dark as they collapsed under the weight of their own spam returning en masse and every time they started to come back online, they were buried under a new round. 

Focusing and releasing that had drained off some of her anger so she was no longer contemplating getting on a plane. She dropped the mobile back in pocket of her robe and went to the kitchen to actually work on bread. She casually hung her robe on the back of a chair and she rolled up her pajama sleeves and fetched ridiculous novelty apron that Aziraphale had choked on his cocoa the first time he saw her it. She should really get something exceptionally frilly and feminine and make him do that again. Plans for later... 

Bread would get rid of the remainder of that restless undirected anger. The whole point of making bread that required this much kneading was to do something with hands that would settle down mind on doing a physical task well. Go from a sticky mass that looked and felt like a disaster that never was going to be bread to something soft, smooth, and elastic that could be made into a nice, symmetrical ball. All the folding in and dividing and recombining took almost half an hour until it got to that stage, but by that point her focus had now shifted from what she couldn’t do, to what she could. Which was make Aziraphale a very happy man. Just telling him was a delight in itself, but having to let it rise multiple times, and then the baking, and the letting it cool enough to eat, just drew the whole process out. Even if it turned out a bit subpar, that just ended up drawing out the process further as it got converted into bread pudding or French toast. 

Dough got placed in a buttered bowl and covered with a towel to start the whole rising process. She cleaned up and retrieved her robe to finally settle into bed and wait for Aziraphale to be done with reading in the bath. She spent time editing the photos from earlier in the day so she could email Mr. Young the ones with Adam. 

Aziraphale finally emerged from the bathroom in his great big fluffy robe. “I was rather expecting you to be asleep already by the time I finished.” 

“Had some things to do. Then I also made bread.” 

“You didn’t have to.” There was that little wiggle of pleasure at it though. 

“Wasn’t planning to originally. Was going to just settle down after a phone call I needed to make, but some of staying up was I wanted to let you get settled in the bed without having to prod me to move.” 

“I have gotten very good at getting into bed without waking you. Just get you to burrow towards the warm spot.7 Getting up is more difficult because then you make sad noises at me leaving.” He went to go find pajamas in dresser. 

“I do not!” 

“You are tempting me to record you making the sad noises now.” 

“Why did I encourage you to learn to use the mobile?” 

“You love it.” 

“I do. It’s awful.” There was no bite to it. “Just put on bottoms, leave top off.” 

“Why?” 

“Was going to rub your shoulders. Then there’s nothing in the way.” 

“They’re not bad.” 

“That means they’re not good either. Even after the soak. Let me fuss at you a little.” 

“You’re up to something.” He left the pajama top in drawer though. 

“Maybe tempting you, a little?” Crowley sounded tentative now. 

“To what?” 

“Usually I end up curled around you or on top of you. I know you’re tired too. Not physically so much… it was just a lot today. You could maybe try and sleep if you want?” 

She could see that bit of tensing up in Aziraphale at suggestion. He ran a hand over face. “I don’t have to yet. I’m not exhausted, just tired. It was just… a lot.” 

“And a lot before too. You don’t have to try to sleep at all. I just knew you wouldn’t if I was already asleep when you came in. Come settle and let me rub your shoulders for a little bit. If you feel safe sleeping, you do. But if you don’t, then you’re on top, so it’s easy for you to get up if you want.” 

“I really can get myself untangled from you without waking you.” 

“But how long do you lay there thinking about it before doing it?” 

“...awhile.” Aziraphale sighed. “Alright, we can try this. How do you want me?” 

“Your head on my chest, maybe a bit more?” It took a few tries to get comfortable. Crowley eventually grabbed the throw blanket off foot of bed and folded and tucked it partially under Aziraphale to cushion her hip. 

“That better?” 

“Much. You’re sure I’m not too heavy?” 

“Are you sure I’m not too boney?” 

“Point taken. If I do fall asleep like this, are you sure you’ll be okay?” 

“Are you comfortable?” 

“Maybe?” he shifted a little. 

“Here, scoot up like I usually do.” 

“I do not think I can _wiggle_ quite the same way.” 

“You got your own kind of wiggle. C’mon, up a little and put your hand over here… better?” 

Aziraphale was still tense but relaxed a little when Crowley didn’t make any protesting noises at weight of him draped across her. “You’re sure I’m not too heavy?” 

“If you ask me again, I am going to have to get all sappy at you about how much I like how you look and you’re going to end up all flushed.” 

Aziraphale flushed a bit anyway and turned face away. “... I like hearing it.” 

“Good, cause it’s all true.” Crowley dug fingers into Aziraphale’s back, pulling up skin slightly in rolls, just starting to feel out where he might be tense underneath. “I like being able to get a good grip on you and not be worried about breaking you.” 

“I worry about breaking you.” 

“If you do... worth it.” 

“Crowley!” 

“I am kidding. You’ve never seriously hurt me.” 

“But I _have_ hurt you.” He turned head back to look at her, eyes full of worry. 

“I get bruises from existing. Close the door with my hip wrong way, oh look, I’ve got a line on my leg. Got too close to the coffee table and rubbed leg on it? Bruise time. Most of the time I don’t even notice them until you point out I’ve got a green spot.” 

“But I have hurt you.” There was such regret in his voice. 

“Yes, you have and it is fine. It wasn’t done with malice.” 

“But….” 

Crowley dug her fingers into Aziraphale’s shoulders so he made inarticulate noises. 

“That hurt, but good hurt, yes?” 

Aziraphale made a deep noise “good hurt.” Crowley continued digging after sore spot until Aziraphale just let out a very long sigh like he was releasing every bit of air out of his lungs. 

“And that was intentional, but you liked it.” 

No actual words in his response, just a deep pleased noise. 

“I’m not hurting you to hurt you. Like you never intend to hurt me. You occasionally hurt me trying, and succeeding, in bringing me pleasure. Just existing sometimes brings me pain. And usually zero pleasure with it. It goes with having this body. Any accidental bruise I got from you came with the intent to bring me pleasure. The one I got from the coffee table has no such redeeming value. So no fretting about occasionally marking me.” 

“S’unfair” 

“A bit. Sometimes I’m envious of how robust you are.” 

“Got soft.” 

“I warned you earlier if you said stuff like that, I was going to have to get all sappy. And I’m going to stop rubbing your shoulders so I know you’ll hear it.” 

“Nooooo.” There was an ineffective attempt to burrow into her, like not seeing her face would mean she couldn’t stop. 

“Brought this on yourself.” She switched from rubbing shoulders to running hands through hair, making little circles on his scalp. She kept that up for a minute or two before lifting his head up so he was looking at her face. 

“Remember back in Rome, when we went to the baths?” 

He blinked slowly, trying to focus now that he was more relaxed. “We only went once together. I thought you’d like them.” 

“Bloody loved them, but I couldn’t go with you.” 

“Well, yes I suppose that was a bit public for us at the time…” He sounded a bit more alert now, though the tension did not seem to be returning. 

“No, I thought I was going to discorporate from how gorgeous you were. I wanted you so much and like that… “ Crowley made an inarticulate noise and bent down to plant a string of kisses from one eyebrow along to his ear. 

“Like what? You’d seen me naked before that.” 

“A few times, but it was always in the context of working. You were either doing something or cleaning up from doing so. It was purposeful. You were naked because you had to be to do something. This, this was all pleasure. Here you were having tempted me to dinner and drinks and then neither of us seems to want things to end, so why don’t we go to the baths? That’s a perfectly normal thing for two humans to do. And that was exactly it. It was all so very human.” 

“I saw you getting undressed and it was a lot like the other times. But you looked a little different. That softness was just starting to settle in. You were never thin like me, but there was always that power. You were the guardian of the eastern gate, a principality, a warrior of god. There was a purpose to it.” 

“And then you got in the bath and settled your hands on your belly and you did that thing where you roll your neck to crack it and just made this absolutely contented noise… and your face was already flushed from the wine and the heat and you looked so utterly beautiful but it looked _real_ now. Like I could touch it. And I so, so badly wanted to touch it.” 

“You didn’t before?” There was a bit of a hesitant tone there. 

“Mmmm, not really. Oh, I _loved_ you, but in that sort of distant way other angels do. You were an angel afterall. It had to be from afar. Touching your human corporation seemed just as intimate as touching your wings does now. You were holy. I was a demon. It might even burn. Now we’re in a bath together and it definitely isn’t burning and you were so close and you looked like you belonged here, full of earthly pleasures, beautiful and holy but _here_.” 

Crowley put hand to either side of his face and gave him a kiss on bridge of nose. “I felt like I might be able to actually love you, really and truly without dying, and all those feelings came together, then I felt like I might actually discorporate from it all and then I really wasn’t getting anywhere.” 

“So you suddenly realized you wanted me_ physically_ as well?” 

“_So bad_. It was kind of a revelation. I’d never quite felt like that before. I didn’t really know what I wanted exactly. A lot of the time I still don’t. But just then, I mostly wanted to climb into your lap and just touch you.” 

“No kissing?” 

“Maybe. Not on the mouth. This was… I just wanted to sort of drape myself over you and feel the heat of you. Put my hand on your chest and feel if you actually had a heartbeat. See if you were really there.” 

“So you just like me for my body?” He sounded half teasing, half serious. 

“I’d love you with a different one too. And don’t think for a minute I don’t love getting to touch your wings. It’s more intimate than anything we do with these bodies. That just didn’t even seem possible at the time. But I do like your corporation too. You made it this way.” Crowley let hands drift to his sides so she could get a good grip on roll there. “There’s still that power under there. Just with that layer of softness over it. You gave away your sword and wrapped yourself up in the world. Insulating world from the sharp parts of you with the good things you found there. Holy and worldly at the same time. It’s an irresistible combination. I know I don’t initiate things nearly as often as you do. I feel bad about that sometimes, that it ends up all on you being the one that always has to push for more.” 

“You know you don’t have to if you don’t want.” 

“I do. But sometimes I DO and it’s still sometimes just as surprising to me as that first time where I look at you in some little different way and go “oh, this is a thing I like.” 

“Like earlier today?” 

Crowley turned face away and covered it with hands briefly. “Not quite. Sometimes stupid things make me realize how much you love me. Like it’s really real. You do.” 

“I do.” Aziraphale pulled hands away from her face so he could kiss her knuckles. 

“I can’t quite feel it directly the same way you do. So sometimes it sneaks up on me.” 

“And what was I doing that made you realize that?” 

“I just realized you really _listened_. So well you could explain something to someone else. I hadn’t even tried to teach you that, you just listened.” 

“Hmm, I guess I did.” 

“I hope I listen that well to you. I do try.” 

“I suspect you know rather more about my books than you really think you do.” 

“Maybe.” 

“If we were at the shop and I told you to go find the oldest printed quarto in my collection, what would you fetch?” 

Crowley thought about for a moment, picturing the oldest part of collection and what was that size. “This is a trick question. It’s not at the shop. It’s the Sibyllenbuch you have in the case in the living room.” 

Aziraphale grinned at her. “See, you _were_ paying attention.” 

Crowley huffed slightly. “That was an easy one.” 

“You understand me better than anyone else ever has.” 

“That was part of it too. It wasn’t just that you listened to what I said and could repeat it. It wasn’t that you’d memorized things. It was that I knew we were seeing the same world. I’d told you about all those little things I’d look for and you could _see_ them. It’s... “ Crowley struggled with words. “Like if you’re seeing the same world I am now...that we share the same present. And that means if we’re looking forward, towards the future, we’re probably going to see the same things? We built on the same understanding of the world? That sounds so stupid to get all emotional about. But we’ve sometimes been so bad at that. We remember things differently. Felt so different about things. You looking at how a bunch of flowers grow and being able to describe to someone else what *I* see in that … you understood. If you can do that little thing, Maybe I can too. Maybe we’ll figure it out.” Crowley sounded a bit husky now. 

“Oh, that’s not foolish at all. That’s so romantic but also realistic. We’ve been so bad at actually understanding each other… that is hopeful. I… am not always clear.” There was that slight bit of hesitancy. 

“You can tell me. I don’t always have context for what you’re trying to tell me, but I do try to listen. I’m trying.” 

“More than Heaven ever did.” There was that dark undercurrent there, some sort of negative emotion that Aziraphale couldn’t quite seem to refine enough to give a name to the feeling. 

Crowley put her hands back down on his shoulders and started kneading at them again, feeling the tension had started to creep back in. “You’re allowed to feel things.” 

“I feel a great many things.” There was a bit of a huff there. 

“You don’t have to keep to the heaven approved list of things anymore.” 

“Loving a demon is definitely NOT on the approved list.” 

“Love is. You’re just bending rules there.” 

“Have been for a long time.” 

“I noticed.” She tilted his head up again so she could look at his face. “You really are the only one worth knowing.” 

“Then why didn’t they?” It was said so softly, but there was that deep and abiding hurt there and he tried to turn face away. 

Crowley let him and just stroked his hair instead. “I could say a bunch of things about how they’re just assholes, which they are, but that doesn’t really answer that. I don’t really know. Maybe they are just wankers.” That there wasn’t even in a reflexive huff or protest from Aziraphale encouraged Crowley to go on. 

“Maybe they just didn’t want to know too much. Then they might have to acknowledge their own problems. If they don’t ask, if they don’t know, then everyone can continue their fiction that everything is fine, because no one spoke up. But silence doesn’t mean everyone is alright.” 

“Am I?” 

“You said some things today that make me think you aren’t.” 

“I am maybe a bit tired.” 

“Not just now, earlier today too. And when we first got the note, that you had to hold it together because I wasn’t. But we got through it. You don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready to, but please talk to me.” 

“I’ll try.” A deep sigh and he burrowed face into chest like it was easier to talk that way if Crowley couldn’t see his eyes. It was an instinct she well understood. 

“Today was… difficult. The fear of being found out. It’s not exactly the same as being found out by Heaven, but it was close enough, that it reminded me of that. And I can’t. I can’t live like that again. But I also wasn’t ready to talk about any of… I don’t even know. We have so much history. We’re part of something larger, or were, that we have to explain to say how we’re different than that. And I don’t know.” He made a little frustrated noise at being unable to express exactly what he meant. 

“You’re better at being a bad demon than I am at being a bad angel. Freer. I’m still afraid of that. There’s still… consequences. Heaven may have agreed to leave me alone, but I can still be punished. I could just Fall at anytime. And not know what it was that finally caused it.” There was that creeping fear in voice that might never really be put to rest. 

“For what it’s worth, I still think you’re only angel worth knowing. Angels are supposed to love Earth, love humanity, but they’re hardly ever _here_. They don’t even communicate with humans if they can help it. Adam had it right, Dad’s don’t show up years later only to tell you what you did wrong. If they loved humanity, they’d be _here_, not just show up to smite things or drop a dramatic blessing like a blood relative trying to buy the love of a family they abandoned.” 

“Crowley…” He ran a hand over her chest, settling it over heart, which was speeding up in anger for him. 

“I’m already damned, I can say whatever the hell I want. I’m a better bloody angel than much of that lot. Reprimanding you for frivolous miracles! Yeah, there’s some that are just for your own comfort, you can’t give endlessly of yourself without taking care of yourself, but the ones you told me about, the ones you were so angry they were called frivolous, those were for others. And they were still such simple things. No show or bluster to them, just things that helped people go from just surviving to thriving. Blessings that kept them warm or dry or meant their storehouse never was empty no matter how long the winter stretched. They mattered very much to the one that received them, even if Heaven thought they were a waste.’ 

"And that’s just it, you’re here and you do love the world. And have always bent the rules to love it, far beyond what Heaven approved of. And just did it more and more with time. It _hurt_ you to be so passive, to be forbidden to do so when that was what you were supposed to do, to reach out and fix that hurt in the world. Like somehow you’d run out of love. Sometimes you do get tired, I understand that. But if they’d actually cared, you wouldn’t get so overwhelmed because you wouldn’t be the only one there to do something.” 

“You were there.” It was soft, but said with a great deal of love behind it. 

“As a _demon_.” 

“Fallen angel.” 

“Same thing.” 

“You fell, but you got back up.” 

“I didn’t get redeemed or forgiven.” 

“No, you just decided to save the world on your own. Talked me into it, too.” 

“Because you _live here_.” 

“_We_ live here. Together. Just our side. Just hard sometimes to know what to call us, we’re more alike than we’re like our former sides. It’s why I want to call you a fallen angel, more than a demon. To share something with you.” There was a slight sniff. “It must sound silly.” 

“It doesn’t.” She leaned down slightly to kiss him on the forehead. “Do you still want me to call you angel?” 

“Always. You’ve called me that so long… nobody else gets to steal it from me.” There was that little spark of fight there. 

“Good. It would be hard to stop, but I could call you something different if you wanted.” 

There was a brief pause as he started to say something and then stopped. “... I should call you Anthony more. If you still want me to, when you’re female…” 

“You can. I picked it. Just don’t try and make it feminine.” She wrinkled nose “Antonia is, I guess, alright if we absolutely have to. Toni is a big no.” 

Aziraphale made a face at that. “Very big no. That doesn’t sound like you at all. How did you pick?” 

“Pick Anthony?” A nod. “It was actually kind of a surprise. I’ve used aliases before since humans now expect you to have two names. But I have to think about it. Right, that’s me. So I’d pick ones I liked enough to not have to think too hard about responding to. But it was kind of a surprise to me that I responded to Anthony without having to think about it. It was just _me_. I wasn’t trying to pick a new name. It just got added on to Crowley. More me.” 

“Would you ever want to add on more?” 

“Maybe? Like I said, it was a surprise to me.” 

“I would like to share a name with you, if that was alright.” 

“Did you pick a new one?” 

“No, I meant share as…” Aziraphale sounded very tentative all of a sudden. “ share the same name.” There was a long pause and Azirphale squirmed “Nevermind, it was…” 

“No, no, I very much mind. You want to share a name… That’s usually...are...are you asking me to marry you?” 

“I might be? I just wanted some way… we’re our own side. Just some way to refer to us both. So people know.” 

“You _are_ asking me to marry you. So you want a name we both share… a new one?” 

“I think I’ve botched this up.” 

“No, it's perfect! And it's a yes. I would love to share a name with you.” 

“Oh thank goodness. And yes a new one. You said this morning, you wanted me to refer to you as mine, but I’d feel weird having Aziraphale be part of your name. Or Crowley part of mine. That feels weirdly like we’d be stealing each other’s name, not sharing. We’re together, but also individuals.” 

“We are. And you do want to marry me, yeah? I’m not jumping the gun and going too fast?” 

“I didn’t realize what it was going to sound like until you asked me! But since you’re asking. Yes. Now we can say we asked each other but one of us was too stupid to realize he was asking.” 

“Sounds right.” She gave him an absolutely stupid grin and a kiss full on the mouth. It was returned with great enthusiasm. 

Aziraphale broke off kiss first. “I have no idea what name to pick.” 

“We’ll try out a bunch of names, see what one we both agree on is _us_.” 

“This is really not how I pictured this.” 

“Were you planning on asking me the regular way?” 

“I thought about it, but it was just thoughts. Iit seemed foolish to bother with human ceremony when when we’re already living together and it might attract attention and I really didn’t know what to do about names before now...” 

“I didn’t either and I already kind of referred to you as my husband to people anyway…” 

“To _who_?” 

“I think all the humans we know think we’re already married.” 

“They do not!” 

“They do. That summer menu I handed you when I got back in the car, the cashier at the Chinese place said to give that to my husband because you’d likely want something off it next time.” 

“They did not!” 

“We eat there often enough they didn’t comment on me being female today, just that your shirt looked cute on me.” 

“How did they know it was mine?” 

Crowley laughed at that. “Do I own any white clothing? Let alone with shoulders that big?’ 

“Does _everyone_ think we’re married?” 

“Maybe not everyone. I don’t know what you’ve been telling people. That we’re living in sin?” 

“Oh, we have been! Oh _no_.” 

“You just _noticed_?” Crowley just gave up and started howling laughing at her angel's expression. 

“It’s not funny!” 

“Dem… fallen angel here. Not even close to sinning. I’d know. I’m an expert!” 

“If you’re going to laugh about it…” There was that huff back that she loved. “...then… then I’m going to refer to getting married as making an honest woman of you!” 

Crowley was just about crying at this point. “Oh that’s WORSE. Make me _honest_!” 

“You wicked thing! Like marriage could tame you!” 

“I agreed to it! And I think it’s mutual!” 

“_MUTUAL_, like *I* need taming!” 

“Need looking after!” 

“You like doing it! You’re downright domestic. You’re making me bread right now!” 

“No one will believe you that I’m domesticated.” 

“HA! They’ve seen you doting on me! They would believe every sappy thing I said my spouse did for me!” There was a pause as he realized what he’d said. “Oh… I’m a right idiot. You do. Have done. Hadn’t even noticed when people said to say hello to my dear husband… I just said I would!” 

“You’re the biggest idiot and I love you. Next time someone says something about your husband, you ask them how long they think we’ve been married.” 

“Oh _no_.” 

“I’m going to ask then!” 

“NO.” 

“YES.” 

“Why did I agree to marry you?” 

“Because you love me AND convinced me you did.” 

“Oh… I did.” It was an absolutely stunning smile, just pure and honest in his delight. 

“You did.” She gave him another kiss, sweet and equally unguarded. “I know I haven’t always been good about letting you show me you loved me. I think I’ve gotten better about it. You’ve convinced me. So you don’t have to be so sneaky about it.” 

“You have. You don’t say you hate this while pulling me in to give you more.” 

“Ngn… sorry. Just old habits are hard to break.” 

“And I did the same to you. Which was crueler since you couldn’t feel that I loved you so directly.” 

“I could at least tell you wanted things, but desire to not get caught and punished, that usually drowned out what else you wanted. Now… you want me more than you’re afraid, most of the time. I’d like it to be all the time. I want you to feel safe.” 

“We’re getting there.” Aziraphale sighed and dragged a hand along his face. “I’m happy, but my mind is just… I am such an idiot and my thoughts are everywhere.” 

She ran a finger along his cheekbone. “That offer to sleep still stands.” 

“I’m not sure it's going to help, I’m so scattered. I’m not sure I can stop thinking. This was… so much happened today. And ending like this! I have no idea what to do next!” 

“Which is why resting might be a good idea. Close your eyes and just try and focus on how I feel against you.” She wrapped arms around him and just held him, stroking small of his back with a thumb. 

He turned head to rub a cheek along her chest and she inhaled sharply as he brushed over sensitive skin. “That might not end in sleeping then…” 

“I’m not opposed to that, if that would settle your mind. Let you stop thinking about what to do next, just be with me now.” 

“I think I’m just teasing. Going to just enjoy being held for now. But if I do fall asleep… you promise not to get up before I do?” There was a bit of anxiety creeping back into voice. 

“If you want me to stay in bed longer, I can do that. You don’t want me to get up and make breakfast?” 

“No. It’s better with you there when I wake up. Then I don’t end up all… wrong.” 

“Nightmares?” 

“No, I don’t think I dream at all. I just… I’m disoriented and feel… wrong. But don’t know it’s wrong. And it might be hours or days before I realized something was wrong.” 

“That sounds awful. But it’s different if I’m sleeping with you?” 

“Yes. You’re just very... present. So I am there. It was a little overwhelming the first few times since I thought I’d feel as bad as usual… and didn’t.” 

“But it still doesn’t feel good?” 

“I don’t know. I’m still disoriented for a little while when waking up, but it’s a few minutes. Which I think is normal for humans? Or you?” 

“Yes. I seem to sleep like a human. Hours or days… that really doesn’t sound right at all. That sounds almost like sleep walking. If that’s what you’ve been dealing with… I’m sorry for all those times I pushed you to sleep with me. I didn’t know it was so bad.” She just squeezed him gently, letting that convey her regret at pushing him. 

“I do seem to need to do so occasionally. Like you need to eat. It’s not completely optional anymore.” 

“I’m not sure I can picture you sleeping every night.” 

“Or you eating an actual breakfast instead of stealing mine.” 

“Sorry, I should just let you make me a plate. I do like nicking a bite or two off yours. They taste better.” 

“Every time I make myself breakfast and you say you don’t want any, I make extra since I hope you’re going to steal some. And you almost always do.” 

“You… you sneaky bastard.” 

“_Your_ sneaky bastard. You agreed.” 

“I did. You do a good job taking care of me, even when I’m being difficult. Is there anything I can do to help you sleep?” 

“Just be here? It’s made a huge difference. I still keep expecting it to go back to being bad, but if I wake up and it's not… that makes it easier next time. I’m now willing for there to _be_ a next time.” 

“That is a big improvement. Is there anything else you can think of that might help?” 

“This position is nice, I think I like sleeping on stomach better than back. It’s how I fell asleep when you were preening me. I just could never could quite figure out what to do with the pillow… but I’m worried that using you as one is going to pin you.” 

“We agreed I’m not getting up before you wake up, so that’s not an issue.” 

“I suppose not then.” 

“Besides, you’re VERY warm this way. Might have to burrow under you more often.” 

“It’s not even cold out anymore.” 

“Doesn’t matter when you’re so irresistibly hot.” Crowley wiggled her eyebrows at him 

“That was _awful_.” 

“Look forward to an eternity that.” 

“Oh I am.” Aziraphale finally closed his eyes and just let Crowley stroke his back and card fingers through his hair. She stifled a yawn, determined to stay awake as long as possible to maximize odds he’d actually sleep. 

She still wasn’t sure if he just had his eyes closed or was genuinely asleep when she remembered bread dough in kitchen. With the hand that wasn’t in his hair, she rolled her hand through motions as if she was turning dough over in bowl and punching it down, just as a means of focusing tired mind on exactly what she wanted done before she snapped to finish it off and send it to the vegetable drawer in the fridge they kept empty for just such occasions of wanting to put something away without looking. Aziraphale didn’t react at all to miracle, just looked peaceful. 

She smiled at that and gave him a featherlight kiss on the forehead. Sleeping through her using her powers right under him, even if it was something so simple...he really did trust her. She dozed off with the sort of smile that before the Apocalypse she would have denied ever making. 

**NOTES**

1\. They were planning to inflict a terrible pun on the rest of the Them. There were so many good snake puns! Back

2\. They might look like women’s trousers, but they had _miraculously_ large pockets Back

3\. Had Warlock still been in the UK after Armageddon while Crowley was still at loose ends with what to do with herself… that likely would have ended up with kidnapping Warlock. Aziraphale still had to talk Crowley out of it at least five times so far. Crowley had talked Aziraphale out of it once but it had been much harder as Aziraphale had a much more detailed and less impulsive plan by the time he had verbalized intentions. Back

4\. The firm she had digitizing maps and land records was about to get a new project. Back

5\. The eagle lectern. She blew up a church! VERY HELLISH. Nevermind why she’d gotten it blown up. Clearly a victory for Hell. CLEARLY. Back

6\. She kept strictly to “no business outside business hours unless explicitly agreed upon ahead of time” so she didn’t have people expecting a response for her. It made her a surprisingly well liked client as she didn’t expect anyone to respond to her either. Back

7\. Crowley’s burrowing had been really awkward when they regularly started sharing a bed as Crowley had good intentions of making sure everything she did was something Aziraphale agreed to. Sleeping on the same bed let them be closer than Crowley on couch and Aziraphale reading in chair. Slow, careful, getting closer. And yet she kept ending up wrapped around Aziraphale when she woke. Repeatedly. Aziraphale was awake and reading for all of that, so could have stopped it at any point. If he wanted to. Which took Crowley entirely too long to figure out. Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was intending for them to have the discussion about what what to call each other to indicate they were on same side in this chapter. Angel? Demon? What we do call each other when we're on same side?
> 
> and then realized while writing the dialogue about choosing a name and maybe even sharing a name... yeah, you just asked Crowley to share a name with you. That's a proposal, you idiot. 
> 
> They will, of course, pick a name suitable for two halves of a whole idiot.
> 
> EDIT: This is likely going to update in January. I work retail. December has stolen all my fucks.  
who's here for more "how the hell do your powers work?"


	7. A language for two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two days in a row Crowley is up early! its like she's being turned into a Morning Person! 
> 
> Though it does have some advantages... 
> 
> If nothing else she gets to save Aziraphale from whatever the hell is going on with his sleep issues and they both rather _like_ that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale really wishes he got an instruction manual for himself.
> 
> If only he could see the reference section I wrote for myself in my WIPs doc. mwahaha.

When Aziraphale had tried to sleep early on in current living arrangement, he’d always woken before Crowley. She often wasn’t sure if he’d slept at all or merely closed his eyes and called it sleeping. When he’d actually fallen asleep without intending to, then she was sure he’d been asleep but he’d still seemed terribly tense. Too tired to resist the call of sleep, but whatever had worn him out was holding him at-ready to wake at any moment. He seemed to have just as much trouble staying asleep as he did getting there in the first place. 

The time he’d fallen asleep while being preened had been a surprise, but he had seemed genuinely out AND relaxed for once. He’d only vaguely stirred at being snuggled up to. But he’d still gotten up first. 

So it was a great surprise he was actually still asleep. The combination of being emotionally tired but relaxed enough to snuggle up with Crowley while actually voluntarily letting himself sleep had apparently been enough to get him to actually _stay_ asleep. Crowley had only roused as circulation had just suddenly come back to the arm Azirphale was laying on and it was distinctly uncomfortable. She flexed her hand to try and calm the pins and needles sensation. Aziraphale shifted slightly and she stopped, not wanting to wake him. He shifted again slightly, despite her stillness and she tried to focus on what might have disturbed him. She looked around the gloom of the bedroom and caught faint edge of light around curtains, just barely indicating dawn was approaching. Aziraphale twisted slightly, head turned in what had to be an uncomfortable position, oddly turning _towards_ the light. A hand roamed the sheets, like he was searching for something. 

Crowley put her hand in his and got it squeezed rather more forcefully than was comfortable. She took her other hand and slid it under edge of his head to turn his face away from the faint light. He made a faint little ‘mmmmph’ noise that had a slight hint of whine to it and Crowley leaned in and gave him a kiss on the forehead. She lay her hand over his eyes, resting the butt of her palm on his cheekbone so she could gently, but firmly, hold his head against her. She made an experimental little hum at him to see if noise was going to rouse or sooth him. A little sigh seemed to indicate it might quiet him so she tried to think of some sort of song appropriate to use on a lover and found herself with no words at all, just a soothing rise and fall of tones interspersed with bits of humming. There was no real recognizable tune to it at all, just long winding patterns that bore more resemblance to natural noises than anything recognizable as human music. Aziraphale’s grip on her hand loosened and he stopped trying to shift position. He settled back into sleeping. 

He’d fallen asleep with the light on before, so the mere presence of light didn’t seem likely to be what had roused him. There was also always some skyglow in London these days from light pollution, particularly on foggy or cloudy nights, so it was never truly dark. At least with a bit less smog and sodium vapor lights being replaced with more LEDs, the sky wasn’t as frequently a hellish orange at night. Still, there was simply so much reflected light at night that she’d invested in heavy curtains to make it seem like they lived somewhere people actually slept at night. 

They were high enough in the building that most of London’s background noises were inaudible. The wind and rain were more common noises than traffic. Sometimes there was even a particular humming resonance to the building itself when the wind came from just the wrong direction. But she didn’t notice any unusual weather noises this morning.. 

She didn’t hear anything specific from neighbors or in hallway either, just the usual noises of a modern building full of human technology. Nothing caught her ear, but it might have been a transitory noise like the elevator or water in use. But she’d added additional soundproofing to flat so neighbors would stop complaining about her screaming at plants, so it seemed unlikely Aziraphale had roused from noise. 

Maybe it genuinely was the light, but turning towards it was just...odd. That was the opposite of normal reaction, but Aziraphale didn’t exactly sleep normally. Maybe she should get him one of those little sleep masks some people used. He might like that. She remembered someone at the farmer’s market selling one stuffed with lavender. He’d definitely like the smell of that, if nothing else. 

For now, Crowley herself seemed to be sufficiently soothing to get him to fall back asleep and stay there. Yesterday she’d been up before dawn, today at dawn, she was _not_ going to become a morning person. Absolutely not. But she’d done a bit too much thinking and now was actually awake and unsure if she’d get back to sleep. Which meant she got to watch Aziraphale sleep. How often had he done the same to her? She knew he brought books to bed and he claimed he was perfectly capable of untangling himself from her when he wanted, but still, how long had he spent pinned under her just watching her sleep? 

Crowley had napped on his couch in the middle of the day many times over the years since he had opened the bookshop and more often than not woken up to find the angel sitting in the nearby chair. There were plenty of places the angel could sit and more Crowley could have napped that had a lot more plausible deniability than the couch in Aziraphale’s shop, and yet somehow they both ended up there anyway. Occasionally she’d woken up with a tartan blanket over her which had mysteriously migrated from the back of the couch to over her. A miracle could have been involved, but Aziraphale had always been careful to avoid directly performing miracles on Crowley when he could avoid it, just in case of an audit.1 So that made it more likely he’d been not only tucking blanket around her, but had been so gentle he hadn’t roused her. He really should have been chucking her out entirely, not encouraging her to kip on the couch. Which likely meant he couldn’t resist it. And watching Aziraphale sleep for once, she could see the appeal. 

He looked so much younger. Oh she loved how his corporation looked, the built up layers of little mannerisms and habits, the way his face had all its little expressions and how some of them he used so often had worn their way into his face. Now, he looked so very soft and his expression so genuine. No calculation, no trying to project what he thought should be seen, just what position his face naturally rested in… well what it rested in when smooshed against her chest. The looseness was what really got to her, that he could be smooshed at all. It was terribly undignified. He should be making a face or comment to indicate just how undignified it actually was and instead there’d be the occasional little shift for comfort instead. He looked just so _soft_. It was absolutely disgusting and maybe being a morning person occasionally wouldn’t be so bad if she got to see him like this. 

She very much understood now why he’d taken a picture of her sleeping. Maybe she’d do that some other time. Right now it seemed too intimate somehow. She occasionally took candid photos of him, but he was still dressed, had chosen how he wanted to be seen by the world that day. Nothing about this was what he would have chosen to project. With his bare arms out and the blanket pulled partially over him, you couldn’t tell he was wearing pajama bottoms. His hair was going every which way, even more so than usual. It was smashed down in spots and sticking up wildly in others. He was getting a bit shaggy at the sides and needed a trim. The way he was pressed against her, it pushed up some of his skin making a clear little roll of fat by his armpit. There was a slight line on his cheek where he’s had it pressed into folded bit of sheet. He’d shifted his face against her and it had rubbed half the hair in one of his eyebrows in the wrong direction. She licked her thumb and smoothed out the eyebrow. 

He was just gorgeously genuine and she couldn’t imagine taking a picture that might possibly ever be seen by anyone else. She wasn’t sure Aziraphale himself could cope with seeing how he looked when he wasn’t performing. He was still sometimes uneasy seeing candid photos of himself and she was never quite sure what he had expected to see in those photos vs what he saw. 

They had fundamentally different feelings about being photographed. Crowley wasn’t entirely comfortable having candid photos taken while they were out either, but that was more due to having to cover their tracks for so long. She usually dressed to be seen, to be admired… to distract from looking too closely at her face and eyes. So was used to the attention and sometimes getting photographed by strangers. But they didn’t get to see her either. Aziraphale got to see her. To ask for her to show herself to him. 

Once she’d convinced him to USE the mobile at all, it became a way for him to show her what he saw, to tell her without words about what he saw in her. She’d even invited him to take photographs of her in bed in the past. That hadn’t gone so well, as he’d gotten too flustered by the process of taking photos and it had ended up with Crowley laughing herself red in the face at how many of them had ended up being of Aziraphale’s own confused expression. She’d perhaps asked too soon after him learning how to take photos at all. But she’d still specifically invited him to take them. And he’d taken them on _her_ mobile. Including the one of her sleeping. The photo he’d taken of her with her wings out was shockingly intimate, but it was a natural progression. They weren’t there with him yet. Perhaps in the future she might persuade him to let her take a few pictures of him less guarded, but they should go on his phone where they were his to do with as he liked. 

That he was so rarely unconscious was a big part of it. If he was being particularly opaque about his desires, she could always just read him when he was awake. She generally didn’t because it often enough ended up being something he wanted but wasn’t ready TO want. Which meant if she just did it, it was way too fast. He had to be ready to articulate that want to her to accept it. So they had their little dance back and forth, with Crowley occasionally peeking when Aziraphale was being particularly confusing (or confused) about what he wanted. 

Sometimes she suspected he relied on her reading him to find out what he wanted rather than saying. Which had been invaluable during the time of the Arrangement but now sometimes landed them in trouble as they often ended up not talking about things they really should discuss like mature, immortal beings. 

That Aziraphale struggled with finding the words and more specifically with even recognizing the truth in them for himself, made some of their stupider fights rather more forgivable in retrospect. 

Crowley had been reluctant in pushing things as too many times she’d gone for doing things she knew he desired, in some form, but clearly hadn’t recognized as his own desire as of yet. Or hadn’t quite figured out the shape of just yet. But some of that opposition and back and forth seemed to be what he needed to recognize what he wanted. They’d just been so secretive for so long that it was difficult to even be honest with themselves or each other. 

Their respective employers had trained them well on how obvious disagreement was dealt with. And even now, their silence had done additional damage. Yes, they had wanted to be left alone, but the total and complete silence sometimes felt less like respecting their wishes and more like ostracism. They had to make this work or they would be truly alone. Which fueled worry over what might happen if they disagreed too strongly and openly with each other. Better to just agree to end the argument, to not push too far. They’d had a few spectacular rows shortly after Armageddon which had then resulted in a period where they overcompensated and too quickly agreed to things they didn’t actually want. 

They’d only bought the bed they were currently sharing after several months of not talking about a dresser they both hated. The _third_ such dresser. The dresser had become an issue when Aziraphale finally admitted he was actually living with Crowley in her flat and needed something to keep clothes in. Rather than rearranging storage space to share, he’d dealt with this personal revelation by just buying a dresser. Crowley had hated the antique the instant it came into flat, but had been too afraid to say anything about it, as saying she didn’t want the dresser seemed like it would be taken as saying she didn’t want Aziraphale living there. It wasn’t simply that the style was totally different, the aged wood held some scent that she couldn’t quite describe other than that she loathed it. That the scent eventually permeated Aziraphale’s clothes was the only reason they’d talked about it at all. If yelling counted as talking. 2

The second one Aziraphale had picked out of a catalog with Crowley’s input on style. Initially it seemed to work, but they both grew to hate it. The dresser just didn’t work in the space. The drawers were just a tad too small for what Aziraphale wanted to keep in them. He’d altered it via miracle several times, but then it stuck out just a little too far so Crowley bumped into it frequently. And then would alter it back to not being in the way. They were cancelling each other out in the most irritating way possible. This meant that things often got stacked on top of it rather than put away and when Crowley inevitably bumped into it, they fell off. One too many instances of that had caused a row that sent them out shopping while they were both still fuming. 

After a long day of staring at furniture until they both hated the entire concept of dressers, they’d finally just picked something tolerable. It did what it needed to do. Both had been silently displeased with it, but had tolerated it for two months as this was what they thought compromise was. They also had other more pressing personal issues to sort out, but the dresser sat in their bedroom and silently mocked them. 

Going shopping for the dresser had been such an ordeal that Crowley had expected broaching the subject of getting a bed that was mutually comfortable was going to be equally awful. So she started with a kitchen table instead. That went surprisingly well, other than Aziraphale sighing in exasperation as she tried out chairs by sitting on them in every way except sitting on them like a normal person. But it was fond exasperation, so it was time to suggest they might want a bed together. 

By that point, Aziraphale had taken to spending the night in bed with a sleeping Crowley curled around him while he read. The bed Crowley had at the time was a little too small for them both and the headboard hit Aziraphale awkwardly in shoulders when he was reading. Pillows had fixed some of it, but some different design was needed. Aziraphale wouldn’t change anything about it since it was Crowley’s and she was the primary user. He was still just a visitor to this particular part of the flat. He wasn’t quite _living_ there and Crowley very much had wanted him to, but couldn’t quite articulate that in so many words at the time. 

So they’d gone shopping to look at options. Miracling up something was all well and good, but not if they didn’t know what the options were. And the miracled dresser they’d just gone back and forth with cancelling each other out instead of exploring options. So this was just an exploratory trip, really. Just testing out the idea of coming to some kind of mutual agreement on what they needed. Crowley wanted to replace the bed, but also wanted Aziraphale’s input on what to get. It was her idea then to go from it being _her_ bed, to being _their_ bed but she wasn’t sure if Aziraphale was actually ready for that yet. It was really the last part of moving in together permanently. 

They had found they were both gravitating towards higher ones with underbed storage and eyeing each other before suggesting, perhaps we could go with this which would give us some different drawers and maybe we could get rid of The Dresser? Agreeing to get rid of it had been a great relief. They’d taken quite a bit longer looking at beds, but knowing the hated dresser would be leaving had eased some bit of tension they hadn’t known they’d both been holding. She knew he was finally actually considering the bed something to share when he’d whispered a suggestion in her ear about possible advantages to a higher bed. In the middle of the shop! She needed to have a lie down right there. Just testing this mattress out! The pillow over her very red face was just part of the testing it out. Yes. 

They did still have _a_ dresser, but it was the original one Crowley had started with, just now split between them. It was mostly socks, underclothes, sleepwear, and accessories. The more rarely used or out of season clothes went in the underbed drawers while the in-season items were hung in the closet. Most of it was Aziraphale’s, as Crowley had a tendency to miracle up things that were this season’s fashion and banish them when they were no longer trendy. She had been convinced to keep more actual clothes as part of getting Aziraphale to get some more modern casual clothes. 

There were a lot of things like that that would have gone a lot smoother if they were better at actually _communicating_ with each other about their new circumstances rather than relying on millenia of being together under entirely different circumstances being enough to sort it out without talking. They were getting a lot better at it, but still there were surprises where they really should have talked about things and hadn’t. Aziraphale alternated between being utterly unready to deal with things or vastly overprepared, like he’d carefully thought out the whole discussion beforehand and prepared himself for any question or objection Crowley might have. Was this what he did while watching Crowley sleep, rehash old arguments and have whole silent theoretical conversation where he sifted through all those words, trying to find the answers? If so, Aziraphale really needed to sleep more because it was _exhausting_. 

Crowley stroked a hand through Aziraphale’s hair, fluffing up the part flattened against his head. He made a slight little noise at her like he might possibly be waking from being observed a bit too closely, so she kissed him on the brow and went back to humming at him. He made a deeply contented noise and tucked head in against her, so it pushed his cheek up so it looked comedically rounded. She chuckled slightly at him and closed eyes to try and join him back in sleeping. 

* * *

Crowley was half dozing when she felt Aziraphale stir again. She doubted he was going to be able to sooth him back to sleep for a third time, but from a quick peek at the clock, it was late enough now that he had slept a normal amount for a human. Of course she could sleep for days, weeks, months, occasionally years if sufficiently emotionally exhausted, so what counted as “normal” or “enough” for them was really a big guess. She ate far less than would sustain a human body, but had an almost normal human sleep schedule. Aziraphale ate close to normal human amounts but rarely slept. Between the two of them they made one almost functional human. 

She ran fingers through his hair at the nape of neck, rubbing at the muscles there, seeing if he had any tension left in him. He made a vague pleased noise and stretched head upward slightly, rubbing cheek across her ribs. 

“When is it?” There was a deep huskiness to his voice she’d rarely heard and it took her a moment to realize that hadn’t been said in English at all. It wasn’t even a _human_ language. He blinked at her sleepily, blinked very, very _gold_ eyes at her and she stared back at him for a moment, brain having entirely frozen up as she tried to figure out if she was actually awake at all. Aziraphale started to squint a little, brow starting to furrow in worry, tension returning to body and she snapped out of it. 

“Mid-morning. You almost woke up at dawn, but then settled back down.” She went with English for response and hoped he understood it. There was slight lag as he seemed to be having to think about it and then apparently suddenly understood words all at once. 

“I remember touching and… music?” It still wasn’t English, but there was something about cadence that sounded more familiar, though not quite _Aziraphale_. 

“I couldn’t decide on a proper song, so I ended up just kind of humming at you and you settled back down.” She rubbed at his neck and shoulders, smoothing away the little bit of tension that had crept in as she’d stared at his eyes, trying to keep worry at bay. 

“You sang for me?” He smiled at her and it was just absolutely unguarded and pure in its delight. Some of her worry was brushed away with how open he was with emotions. No sign of worry or pain, so why should she be worried? But those eyes... 

“Not even really words.” She felt like she should be embarrassed at this, but he was just so happy. Might have to do that more often... 

“Better without.” There was that slight confused look back in eyes which were deeply concerning to her, but she didn’t want to panic Aziraphale. He still hadn’t responded in English, but he clearly understood what was being said. He’d warned her about disorientation. He seemed to be reacting to _her_ reacting, not inherently distressed and she’d like to keep it that way. This could be perfectly normal for whatever kind of abnormal thing Aziraphale did waking up. She was going to treat it that way for now so as not to distress him. 

She ran fingers through his hair while she thought. _ Better without_. She had an enormous number of questions about what was going on but wasn’t sure asking was going to actually get her anything. She reviewed what he’d told her recently about sleeping, about struggling with words. He woke up feeling disoriented and wrong, but unaware of it, but said he felt better with her there. That he struggled with too many words. The Word. That would certainly explain the language issue. He had reverted to his native tongue. _Their_ native tongue, in theory. It had just been more than six thousand years since she spoke that exact language regularly. 

Demons of course spoke a bastardized version that had drifted over the millennia as they’d needed new words for things and mostly stole than from humans. Demons spoke so infrequently to angels that they didn’t exactly get a memo on what the official Word was for new things. The grammar was mostly the same, just filled with words that differed between the two groups. It had never been an issue with Aziraphale as they’d increasingly just spoken the local human vernacular with each other, but Crowley had dragged an enormous number of words back to Hell over the millenia, much to everyone’s annoyance because then they had to learn what they were for. 3

And then it hit her, the weird cadence to what little he’d said… that was _her own_ speaking pattern. Hell, he might not actually be speaking proper angel, celestial, Word, or whatever heaven actually called what was spoken between angels. They might not even have a name for it, as it was assumed the one, true language and thus didn’t need to be called something to distinguish it from other things. 

Unfortunately, there was nothing in what Aziraphale had said this morning that would have demonstrated which form he was speaking. He’d likely picked up enough from her that if there wasn’t a proper word for it in what should be his native tongue, whatever word Crowley had used had been hoarded away in his heart along with all the rest. Would she even be able to tell the difference at this point with how many years they’d spent primarily talking to each other, coming up with their own little codes? Had they effectively made a dialect with only two native speakers? They probably had sounded equally weird to their own sides. How many times had he ended up speaking to superior with hint of a demonic accent as that was who he actually spoke to most? But she put aside that worry for now that just speaking to her so frequently had caused some of his problems with Heaven. They could clearly communicate just fine with each other, but couldn’t very well have him stuck like this. Perhaps giving him a nudge to use words there were no equivalents for would get him back to English. 

She gave him a reassuring kiss on forehead. “What do you want for breakfast?” 

He seemed to be struggling with that, both with understanding what was being asked and replying to it. 

“What did you want to eat? For the morning meal? For breakfast?” 

“Food.” 

“Could you be slightly more specific? I would like to make you food.” She could see him perk up slightly at the second part. Like that had triggered something in him. Now he wanted to tell her and was trying to put it together. He should have been able to figure it out on his own. But hadn’t until she had… oh, that was _dangerous_. He might be reacting to her desires. A temptation she was very, very familiar with, to just fulfill someone else’s desire because you knew it and it would bring them pleasure and you could bask in that backwash of pleasure…. Even if it hurt you to do, the short term pleasure to just fulfill that desire overrode long term thinking. That was another reason she didn’t focus on reading him that often, he too often overwhelmed or confused her. Had he woken all those other times sensing someone nearby and been overwhelmed by desires not his own? But he’d said waking up with her hadn’t been distressing or disorienting to him in the same way. Was waking up with her still asleep and thus unreadable letting him turn it off correctly once he was fully awake? Oh she wanted to _know_ so badly! 

She could see his eyes quickly twitch back and forth, almost like he was reading a page, trying to reorient himself as he looked almost through her. If that was what was happening, he didn’t know so couldn’t answer that desire, even if he wanted to. She could try and sense his desires off him, but that just might send them into a loop of trying to mirror each other. What did she want that he could safely give her? Reassurance. This might just be his normal sort of abnormal but also last night… sharing a name, there was power in words. She most wanted reassurance that she wasn’t dragging him downward. 

“Aziraphale” she took face in hands and kissed him lightly on the forehead. “I want you to do something for me.” 

“Anything.” He looked so very, _very_ eager. 

“Bring your wings out, please.” She’d only started to say ‘bring’ when he did so, making her rather more sure that she had made a good guess as to what was going on. Seeing those white wings calmed one worry while giving her an entirely different one. Still as beautiful and holy as ever, no sign of damage or discoloration. She wanted to run her hands through feathers and check more thoroughly and now he’d brought the joint of wing forward, up around his ears, trying to touch her hands with them and this was so, so dangerous and tempting at the same time.

How many times had she thought about just letting go in the middle of what they were doing and just losing herself in responding to his desires without thinking? And she hadn’t because he was always so anxious about hurting her that she’d never wanted to risk it. She trusted him but he didn’t trust himself and now it seemed that might have some echo in what he feared for himself. Was all his voiced worry about hurting her actually a way of trying to find the words to recognize what was happening and tell her? She took a steadying breath before she spiralled off into anxiety and hurt them both. 

She pressed her forehead against his, trying to focus. “I want you to think about the other day, where I groomed your wings over breakfast and then you stayed home. And we both wanted the same thing. The same thing for each other. Do you remember the words I gave you?” She focused on memory of that and that desire to be more sure of who they were and for their partner to have the same. She loved him as he was. She just wanted him to be more himself, his authentic self, without having to perform for her. 

“You wanted me to… be more me.” She could see odd bit of shift to edge of irises that was rather unsettling, but she needed to focus. 

“Mhmmm. I love you as you are and want you to be more you. To be unafraid. And to feel safe. To be more _you_.” 

“You tempt me to be more me.” It was English finally, a bit oddly accented, but English. She could see eyes shifting now, as if he had a second colored pupil surrounding the dark one, contracting inward and banishing the gold. There was his usual eye color back with just the faintest bit of hazel around the pupil as normal, though shot through with gold now. She was pretty sure it was usually more brownish or smokey amber color, not this gold, but he suddenly seemed much more _present._

“Aziraphale.” 

“Crowley….” He smiled at her and the little wrinkles around eyes were back. He leaned in to give her a kiss on the lips. 

“What did you want for breakfast?” 

“What about you?” 

“No, what did _you_ want.” 

“I told you, _you_.” Oh, _there_ was that bastard. 

She snorted and gave him another kiss. “Okay, now I think you’re fine.” 

“Wait, was I.. did…” Worry was creeping back into face. 

She pulled him in for another kiss. “You do wake up weird, but I think I have a guess what’s going on with that, so yes, I am very much _available_ for breakfast. We can talk about it over actual breakfast.” 

“But nothing happened?” 

“If you mean _bad things_ happened, no. You weren’t speaking English, so that was a bit concerning. So that we just had flirty exchange that required understanding of word emphasis and a euphemism to make sense, so that’s rather reassuring you’re probably actually awake awake. Also you now understand the concept of breakfast enough to make comments like that.” 

He briefly looked like he was thinking. “Weren’t you making bread too?” 

“You _are_ awake now. Yes, I was. But it’ll take a little while to rise. So we don’t have to for a bit.” 

“I might…” There was a little bit of a rasp to voice still and a bit of heat back in voice 

“That’s the kind of thing I like to hear.” She did a quick snap to rearrange things in the kitchen for later. “Especially when you just got up. Your voice is different, a little deeper, rougher, but you sound good.” 

“I feel… good. So maybe you’ll get to hear it more.” 

“I like the sound of that. Did you dream?” 

“Just of you” 

“Flatterer.” 

“Is it working?” 

“Very much, but I am very curious though if you actually did dream of anything.” 

“I’m not sure. We did have a conversation just now? It seems… fuzzy.” 

“Yes we did. The first thing you asked me was when it was.” 

“I couldn’t quite figure out the words you were saying to me at first. Then I just knew.” 

“So you were awake for that, but disoriented.” 

“But you think you know what is happening?” 

“Maybe. No guarantees. I will have a better idea if you actually sleep a little more frequently so I know if this was a one time thing or how you normally wake up.” 

“Like this?” he pressed up against her and gave her a heated kiss on the throat. 

“Oh sweet… fuck it, I’m swearing by _you_. Aziraphale!” 

“We don’t have to…” He gave her several more kisses on throat and across her collarbone. 

“We very much do. That sexy morning voice does things for me. And I’d like you to do a bunch more…” She thought very hard at him about something quite _specific._

“What sort of things?” He trailed kisses across her collarbone and down her shoulder in the opposite direction of where she’d been thinking and she got the most wicked grin. 

“Put your wings back away, I want to be on top and _show_ you.” 

“It does do things for you…” Aziraphale was now purposely letting voice sound even rougher as he tucked wings back away. 

“It does.” She rolled him over and got to showing him. 

**FOOTNOTES**

1\. Crowley hadn’t been quite so careful as any minor miracle done to Aziraphale could always be spun as corrupting the angel in case of an audit. Especially since he generally asked for them, in his own roundabout fashion. Crowley had been more likely to do things the mundane way out of concern of somehow genuinely tainting him. These days it was far less a concern since, well, they were rather more seriously _fraternizing_ Back

2\. specifically “your dresser makes your pajamas smell like they belong to someone else! Sometimes I wake up and don’t know who I’m holding!”. In retrospect, that it was making her disoriented upon waking was probably what had abruptly stopped the fight and made him agree to get a different one immediately. Back

3\. or not. Sometimes they went back out of use before making it out of Dagon’s files. So only Dagon had to deal with whatever technical term Crowley needed to use to describe some human thing. And a few celestial Words for things that Dagon had always seemed awful suspicious of where she had gotten her intel from, but Crowley fortunately wasn’t the only demon that occasionally turned up with odd new Words in her mouth Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You came for idk, probably wingfic, I give you linguistics and arguing about furniture.
> 
> I'd originally planned for the Aziraphale's sleep issues scene considerably earlier in this fic, but pushing it back to here worked out better since Crowley got to have more structured anxiety about "did THIS make you Fall" rather than nebulous "oh shit, why now?" He's not falling but seriously *small voice* dude, wtf.
> 
> Next time, they need to have some serious discussions about who they are now and who they WERE.


	8. Who we were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a light brunch takes a bit of a serious turn. What is the difference between the masks you wear for other and who you really are? And what happens when what you thought was a mask was actually true and you didn't know it yet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M NOT DEAD.  
despite February's best attempts.   
March, I heard you say "hold my beer"... I will not.

They did eventually get up, just later than normal. Since Aziraphale rarely slept, Crowley’s desire to be with him usually served to overcome bed gravity. Having him in bed and inclined to stay there meant it was now in full effect. Just a little more time snuggling… they didn’t need to be anywhere except right where they were. Desire for breakfast eventually drew them out of bed, though it was really brunch now. Bread got transferred to the oven and then she made them a pot of tea for while they sat. 

Aziraphale held her hand while they silently enjoyed their tea for a bit. Crowley wasn’t entirely sure how to start a conversation about what she thought was wrong with him. Well not _wrong_, just, different. And that was the issue. This might be entirely normal for him. They were both the same and different. Possibly in some fundamental ways they had never directly talked about. Ways that might not have anything to do with Crowley being a demon and everything to do with… Before. 

Aziraphale finally was the one to broach the subject. “You seem a bit...pensive. You said nothing bad happened, but something did happen.” 

“Yes.” 

Aziraphale just blew breath out. “What was it?” 

“I was worried… Aziraphale, you woke up and you weren’t speaking any human language… and your eyes were _gold_.” 

“Gold?” 

“More angel gold rather than true yellow like mine, but still enough to have me worried. Pupils stayed round. They’ve gone back to mostly blue now. I can still some traces of it in your eyes, around the pupil. You’ve always got a little bit of not-blue in there, but this is more than usual. I think. You weren’t distressed… but I was still a little worried it might be…” She squeezed his hand, not naming that fear. “That’s why I had you pull your wings out earlier. They’re just as white as ever. You’re fine. Whatever is happening… it's not... That.” 

“I think I would feel worse if it was... that. I feel pretty good.” Though there was a little bit of extra pressure where he was holding Crowley’s hand as some nervousness was creeping in. 

“I think that might be normal for you. Waking up like that. I just hadn’t seen it before because you always wake up first. And I really don’t think you were entirely aware of what was happening either. You weren’t making a lot of sense at first, but I think some of that was you were mirroring me. I was confused, so you were confused. I finally caught on you were reacting to me reacting. You know how I get overwhelmed sometimes with other people’s desires? It was like that. Just even more because you were focused solely on me. So I had to be calm. Not panic.” 

“I don’t know how to sense others desires directly.” That sounded clear and truthful, but there was a slight defensive edge to it. It might _be_ true. But it was also something Aziraphale wasn’t _supposed_ to know how to do. 

“When we were out looking at the trailcams, the one I had you hold, you said you could feel _something_. I’m not sure you’re used to contextualizing it as _desire_. Maybe you just usually use that sense to focus on love so that overwhelms everything else most of the time. Maybe you perceive it a bit differently than I do or just haven’t practiced it as much as I have. But that is what it looked like to me. I have to be careful of that exact thing, to not get lost in mirroring someone. Some of that could be mirroring my own fears, but again, it's reacting to me reacting. But if that is what it is, uncontrolled like that… I could have hurt you so badly.” She squeezed his hand again and drew it up to kiss him on knuckles. Trying to both convey her worry and that it had turned out alright in the end. 

“Have I?” 

“Have you what?” 

“Hurt you like that?” 

She shook her head. “No. I know what to look out for. I know to take precautions. But…” 

“But?” Aziraphale’s face pinched with worry. 

“You _tempt me_.” 

He huffed and turned his head away, though there was a hint of a smile there. “I believe that’s your job.” 

“It is and then I handed it off to you in the Arrangement and you’ve gotten sneakily good at it.” 

“Tempting you?” He was now back to watching her face again. 

“Others too, since we didn’t get caught at it. But yes, me, especially me. And I don’t mean sexually. Well, yes that too, occasionally. But in encouraging me to do something I already wanted. That’s really the heart of temptation. But when you can read other’s desires, that’s the downside that comes with them. Knowing them is tempting in and of themselves. Especially when directed _at_ you. To just give in and fulfill them. To do so with someone you trust, to just give yourself over to them without fear or restraint, because you trust it is truly a shared desired. To trust that they will keep both of you safe. I don’t think you were aware of what you were doing. To offer me that. To trust me like that. I needed to be sure you knew what you were doing.” 

“You said… you said you wanted me to be more me.” 

“Yes. That’s what I desired most. I love you, and I want you _as_ you. I wanted to make sure you were _you_.” 

Azirphale took a shuddering breath and looked away again. “I’m not sure I can deal with this. Any of it.” 

“You don’t have to do it alone. And you slept a normal amount for a human. I don’t think you’ll have to sleep for awhile if you don’t want to. Just, I think we should do that before you get exhausted and fall asleep unexpectedly. I think if we know what to expect, we can make sure it's a good experience, or at least neutral.” 

“Is that why you…” 

“Nope. If anything I was more inclined NOT to than usual. Like I said, I could have hurt you so badly, overwhelmed you with my desire, MADE it yours… at least until you came back to yourself. Once I knew you were, well, _you_, that morning voice… that really does get me. And asking you to be more you and you go for _that_, well, that is very much a part of you. And I could get used to that kind of thing in the morning. You’ve got a bit of a… not quite a growl. That sounds too aggressive. A purr. All sultry.” 

“No one has ever described me as _sultry_.” There was that little bit of mock outrage in tone, but there was also a slight little wiggle of pleasure. 

“You didn’t usually direct your appetites towards me before …. But you most certainly had them. I don’t know all the details… but you could make your desire to be pursued known. But when what you wanted was me… my safety outweighed your desire. We circled each other but when we knew we couldn’t have what we wanted from each other without destroying what we had… so we would go pursue at least some of it elsewhere. Your appearance is not all show.” 

“Much of it is. As is yours.” 

“You do not look that gay _accidentally._” 

Aziraphale laughed at that “No, it's very intentional. I was still more likely to be pursued than the pursuer though. I am soft for a reason. Makes me more approachable by... “ He frowned for a moment. “Those that would be afraid to come to me otherwise. If I was very aggressively masculine, it would be very different. Every time I ended up with a beard for work or fashion of time… just something about that that I don’t like the look of. And people most in need of help… they didn’t either.” 

“The sideburns were the only facial hair I’ve ever liked on you. Full beard, even when you had it trimmed close, you’re right. You look…” She wrinkled her nose. “Stern. Mmm not quite right. Authoritative. Dominating.” 

“Those aren’t necessarily bad things.” 

“Judgey then.” 

Aziraphale gave her a very judgy look indeed. 

“See, that, you’re giving me that look but I can see that little tiny line by your mouth. You’re _playing_ at mad. When you’ve got a beard… those little lines vanish and you look genuinely hostile.” 

“I’m not trying to look intimidating.” 

“And that’s exactly it. You’re trying not to. You know what you are. Were. Still are, I guess, but you know how people react. So you can choose what you look like. Stay clean shaven so humans, who can actually read faces, can see all those little expressions that say you’re trying to be gentle, be kind, to help them. Hide some part of you so they can’t see that anymore, you have to _work_ at the whole be-not-afraid thing.” 

“You seem to have caught onto that quicker.” She could hear the double meaning there and see the faint little bit of calculation in eyes. Saying that she’d figured it out with regards to humans, but meant him. 

“Well I had to cover my eyes, which humans hate, so I had to make sure all the rest was clear and visible. Make everything else I did with my body bigger and broader to make up for the eyes.” 

“Is that the excuse for that walk?” 

“You know you love it.” 

“I do, but I can still make fun of that… I can’t even really call it walking. Sauntering. Slinking, Swaggering. Swaying. Strutting. Sashaying.” Crowley snorted at the last one. “All the S words that befit my dear serpent.” 

“Look at you, Mr. Thesaurus. From not remembering what “breakfast” means to coming up with this many S words for what my backside is doing.” 

“I’ve had millenia to study it.” 

“Is this why you always wanted me to walk in front of you?” 

“Well if you’re stalking me, I don’t get the nice view.” 

“Cheeky. “ 

“Very much.” He wiggled an eyebrow at her. 

“You stop that. That’s a more accurate description of you. That long coat is a crime because it hides it.” 

“Unlike some people, I don’t need the whole world to know that.” 

Crowley raised her eyebrows at him and took a sip of tea. 

“What, you do dress for attention.” 

She just watched him over the mug, apparently thinking. She was watching his eyes mostly, focused on that faint bit of gold still in the ring around the pupil. They weren’t exactly having a stare off, but it wasn’t entirely comfortable eye contact. There was a definite feeling they were trying to look past each other’s exteriors. 

“I dress to hide. So do you. It's the same trick, with different clothes.” 

“Very different clothes.” 

“Different things to hide.” 

“Your eyes are lovely, my dear.” 

“I almost never wear sunglasses when it's just us, unless I genuinely need them. They’re not actually what I’m hiding.” 

“You most certainly are hiding them.” 

“Physically yes, but not actually what I’m hiding. Might actually be a better distraction these days to not cover them.” She could see Aziraphale’s pupils widen a little at that, but she was more carefully watching iris and that bit of hazel in the blue. 

“What are you hiding then?” 

“You’re clever, what am I hiding?” 

He huffed slightly. “Now you’re just being a tease.” 

“A little. But you _are_ clever. Enough to be able to play a little dumb. Enough to distract people into looking at that pretty face and outdated clothes. To make them look at that and think you’re the sort of a man who likes to sound like he knows, dress it up in lots of words, but doesn’t actually.” 

“And you can see through me then?” 

“Nope.” 

He briefly furrowed brows at her as this clearly wasn't the answer he was expecting. “Why not?” 

“You’re a better liar than I am.” 

“Ha!” 

“Alright, not a liar then, just better at misdirection. At selective presentation of knowledge.” She gave him a little grin. His eyes were wary but she could finally see that little shift in color of eyes indicating she had him. 

“Isn’t that your trick?” There was a faint little hint of smile to face that otherwise was projecting pure innocence. 

“Isn’t this my trick?” 

“What trick?” 

“Misdirection with a question.” There was that very brief little shift in eyes as he realized he’d been drawn out by the trick he’d tried to use. He huffed slightly. 

“We need to talk about some things. Honestly. In ways we haven’t done for millenia. Because we learned never to say anything about our true selves.” 

“We’ve been doing better at that.” 

“We have. It's a process. You seem much more… you are more _you_ this morning. A little in spite of yourself.” 

“That’s what you asked for.” 

“I’m enjoying it” She kissed his knuckles and he gave her a little bit of a smug smile at that. He was definitely being a bit more of a bastard than usual, but in a way she enjoyed for the most part. 

“But to go with that… there’s going to be things that we haven’t really admitted to ourselves. But we still need to talk about some of those things. I can’t talk about it all at once but I think we do need to talk about… Before at some point.” 

Aziraphale started to say something and then apparently caught on that ‘before’ had been said with a capital letter. He looked at her and froze. 

“Is that… is that something you want to do?” 

“Not really. But if we’re going to figure out what’s going on with you or teach each other in any systematic way, we kind of need to.” 

“If it would hurt you, we don’t have to.” 

“I know it’s going to hurt, but I’m willing to anyway.” 

“You shouldn’t have to hurt yourself to try and deal with what’s wrong with me. It’s my problem to deal with.” 

Crowley drank her tea while giving him a rather irritated look. “I’m really tempted to repeat what you said back to you verbatim, but instead you _think_ about exactly what you just said, as if I had said it to you.” 

Aziraphale stirred his tea apparently doing just that. Silence stretched out between them on that knife’s edge between being companionable vs uncomfortable and could tumble either way depending on what Aziraphale did. He reached across the table and took her hand, stroking his thumb over her knuckles. 

“When would you like to go ring shopping?” 

She took a moment to adjust to the change in conversation trajectory. Deciding if she was willing to let him deflect with a question or not. Finally decided he wasn’t deflecting, so much as stating willingness to talk about things later by reminding her he wanted to commit to this relationship. 

“You thought about proposing but hadn’t looked at anything?” 

“No. I knew if I was going to do it, I needed to pick something and do it within a day or not at all or you’d _know_. If I wasn’t sure of the details, I couldn’t take that step of getting a ring or I’d worry you sick since you’d know I was thinking about it and then not know why I wasn’t actually asking yet. If I was going to do it, I had to be faster than I’ve ever been about anything.” 

“That’s both infuriating and adorable. It’s so… _you_.” 

“Do you know how hard it is to actually plan surprises for someone that can sense desires?” 

“Huh. I hadn’t actually thought of that. I don’t try to routinely read you since it’s often confusing and I risk getting swept away by them, but sometimes you are somewhat… loud.” 

“I’m pretty sure 'I want to propose’ would have been extremely loud.” 

“Yeah. I could only fake not noticing for so long.” 

“You said you thought about it too. Did you look at rings?” 

“Off and on but I didn’t actually purchase anything. The downside of having a minimalist flat that you’re now sharing with the person you are thinking of proposing to is it's really hard to hide anything in it. So I’d have ended up carrying it around and making myself nervous. Same deal, need to do it all at once or not at all, or I’d make myself sick with anxiety. I briefly thought about getting something and hiding it at the shop, but you would have been on it like a bloodhound then. I actually figured that might be how TO propose. You’d definitely find it straight off, but then might not actually say anything because well...” 

“We’re both such big _sillies_.” 

“We are.” She gave him a smile though and leaned across the table for a kiss. They got distracted by that for a few minutes before the oven timer went off, indicating bread was done. She checked on it and tapped it with a wooden spoon to see if it sounded right. She pulled it out and turned it out of the pan onto a rack to cool. She gave Aziraphale a half swat on an outstretched hand. 

“You’ll burn your fingers. It needs to cool a little. What do you want on it?” 

“Did we have any of that hawthorne honey left?” 

“Just enough for today. Need to get more of that at market while it’s in season. Did you want anything else with it?” 

“Some more tea. I’ll make myself some eggs.” 

Crowley put the kettle back on and rummaged through the cabinet to find the right container of honey. She had gone a little overboard at farmer’s market and they had several different single flower types in there. Aziraphale liked every single one of them, but loved some of them more. She found the one with the slight greenish tint and tipped jar slightly to make sure it hadn’t crystalized. Electric kettle clicked off and she rinsed the dregs out of the old pot with boiling water before starting the new one. 

Aziraphale meanwhile had gotten several eggs going in a pan on the stove, going for over easy. Exactly the way Crowley usually liked them. She gave him a bit of a look at that, but he looked the picture of pure innocence. He’d set out just the one plate. And two forks. She settled back down at the table with the cooling rack. She pulled a piece off the loaf with fingers to let it cool a bit faster. She sucked at fingers where she’d got them a bit hot, ignoring Aziraphale’s look at her after she’d scolded him for the same. She spread honey on it while he finished up at the stove. 

“You didn’t answer me on when you wanted to go ring shopping.” 

“I was just considering since now we’re going to do it together. We’re both such anxious messes that going specifically shopping might be a bit stressful. However, I think I could agree to pull over” She put up a hand, as if taking a vow “without grumbling, at whatever little antiques store catches your fancy for a quick look while we’re out and about.” 

“We’re unlikely to find matching ones that way.” Aziraphale lit up at the prospect of getting to browse antiques stores with zero grousing from his demon. She’d just have to do some scouting of routes to new places on her phone beforehand to plan for Aziraphale’s three hour ‘quick look’. 

“I think we probably want complementary rather than exactly matching. If we find something we like for you, I think we can commission a match in newer materials which suit me better.” 

“Oh that sounds lovely! I know several jewelers that might work.” Aziraphale settled back at the table with a plate of eggs, salted and peppered, and with an elegant looking dash of paprika across them as well for good measure. She passed him the piece of bread that was now cool enough to eat, but still warm. 

“And that delays everyone in the area hearing we were ring shopping, so I have more time to see how many people thought we were already married.” She gave him a grin with far too many teeth. 

“Oh, you wicked thing! But you’re right, I hadn’t even considered that going shopping would travel rather quickly through the rumor mill.” 

“Especially since we’re going to need to pick a jeweler that can make a match that will suit me whatever gender I’m presenting as at the moment. Which means that news would go through Soho rather fast.” 

“People surely aren’t _that_ interested.” 

“You’ve had a shop in Soho for how long?” She topped up both their cups of tea. 

“They’re generally very careful not to ask too many personal questions…” 

“No, just wildly guessing and gossiping horribly about the most constant presence in Soho. It’s not _real_. It’s like gossiping about the Queen.” 

“There are far better queens to gossip about.” Aziraphale huffed slightly, but she could see the little line along mouth that indicated he was amused. He worked on cutting up eggs. 

“Mmm, you have been around forever. Their favorite auntie then?” 

He pointed a fork at her. “Oh, don’t think you’re immune to gossip. While people generally don’t ask too many questions, that doesn’t mean NO questions.” There was that little hint of the bastard there and Crowley sobered up a little. It was Soho, but still… 

“Um, what sort of questions?” 

“Mostly just a little… clarification.” 

“Clarification…” 

Oh, there was a distinct bastard look there. “Well, with you occasionally dramatically changing your presentation, there was recently a rumor that I had landed twins.” 

Crowley just spluttered for a moment. “It’s bloody Soho, and they jumped to _twins_?” 

“Clearly I have a great deal of stamina and an insatiable appetite in all things.” He looked so damned smug. He had clearly enjoyed that rumor. 

“That’s true… but still, twins!?!” 

“Well, I did have to put that rumor to bed.” The little eyebrow wiggle at that was killing her. Clearly something more was up there. “I just have _one_ exceptionally hot spouse.” 

“But a spouse. Called me that did you?” Aziraphale had a clear ‘oops’ look on his face where he realized he had indeed. He went for taking big bite of bread so as to cover that up. 

Crowley grinned at him and took a sip of tea. “So what other rumors had you heard?” 

“Oh, if you’re going to be sniffing about trying to figure out how long people thought we were married, I’m sure you’ll find out some of the others.” 

“Oh, you bastard.” 

“Your bastard.” 

“You are at that. I’m keeping you.” 

“That was one too.” 

“What?” 

“That you were keeping me. But I far preferred the one where you were my kept man.” 

“What!?!” 

“There was that period when we were both at loose ends and you spent an awful lot of time napping on the couch and running errands for me without any indication you had an actual job.” 

“Was this at the same time you were banging twins?” 

Aziraphale wiggled a little and dragged a small bit of bread through runny yolks on plate and offered it to her. She glared at him for a moment, especially after he set that up. She was considering not taking it at all. 

“No. Twins was quite recent actually. Old rumor, new clothes. You managed to dispel the one about being kept when we started up with the current project. You clearly had the skills to back up what we were doing, so likely when you weren’t in the shop, you were actually working.” 

“I’m not actually sure how I feel about that.” Eyed the bread. Aziraphale was just holding it while he continued eating with his other hand. She reached over and took it and popped it in her mouth. 

“It’s not entirely inaccurate. You’re off working for yourself. And rather fits in better with we’ve been married for a while. Extended absences, you were off on a project out of London.” Another little piece got torn off and dragged around the plate. 

“I wasn’t entirely planning on resurrecting that cover for anything except this project itself, but it might not actually be a bad idea. I did renew all the documents so I’m up to date. Oh, shit, if we’re actually going to bother with the human documents for getting married, when was the last time you were officially born?” 

Aziraphale had a moment thinking about that and Crowley took the opportunity to snag the extra fork and steal some of his eggs. She ignored his pleased look. 

“I am probably rather unrealistically old at the moment. If I marry you with those, it’s practically cradle robbing. Or like you’re waiting for me to die and get the bookshop.” 

“I’m older than you.” 

“I thought you just updated your paperwork?” 

“Ngk… no, I mean… I really am. I’m pretty sure. Maybe a lot older.” 

“Oh.” Aziraphale desperately looked like he wanted to follow up with several more questions but was not a discussion to open up today. She pulled another piece off the loaf of bread and sat and spread honey on it before offering it to him. He blinked at her for a moment, but it seemed to have worked to get him to focus on who they were _now_. He took it from her gently. 

“For my paperwork, I picked a reasonable age for a human so I won’t have to change it again soon. I got to set my honorific on everything as Mx. now. Really like that change. I still had to pick one for my passport, so it says male right now. If they let me pick neither as an option anytime soon, I might update everything again.” 

“Oh, lovely! I hadn’t realized they let you pick Mx now. Since you just did that, you can help me with the electronic parts. Paperwork should be no problem, but I’m sure there’s some digital cross checking I would have forgotten to deal with otherwise. There’s so many more things that check against each other these days, it’s much harder to create one that won’t unravel under true scrutiny. I was about due to update everything to be my own son right around when Adam was born. Updating that went rather far down on my list and it wouldn’t matter at all if we failed. Afterward, well, got rather busy with, well, _you_, and there was all that chaos with leave or remain, so it somewhat slipped my mind. Definitely need to adjust that.” 

“Oh, ho, so I’ll get to marry hot Mr. Fell Jr.” 

“Hot Mr. Fell the Fifth.” 

“Fell the Fifth really does make it sound like you’re the queen of Soho.” 

“Then you get to be the queen consort.” Who was now offering her a piece of egg from his fork. 

“Consorting, is that what I’m doing?” 

“That does sound _scandalous._” Crowley took the offered bite in a way that looked the way that sounded. 

“You love it. I’m getting business cards made.” 

“We do need to pick a shared name.” 

“Do you want to wait to update everything then so you can put the new one on?” 

“No, I think it will be more believable for paper trail if I update first and then the name change is done entirely mundanely after we get married. It’ll generate a lot of reinforcing documentation we can use in a few decades when we need to update all over again.” 

“I’m curious who you’ve been listing as your mother each time.” 

“It was easier the first few times when dying in childbirth was common. The last one though...Oh, you’ll love this.” The wiggle said this was indeed going to be good. 

“Do tell.” She laced fingers together in front of her. 

“Well, I don’t need to have had married parents to have still ended up with surname, of course. Mr. Fell Senior may have gotten around a bit on paper, rather a lot actually, making me more of a bastard than usual. Bit scandalous really.” 

Aziraphale looked awfully sly. “And there've been various people that have somewhat known I was certainly...something. Their guesses were all wrong, just that I perhaps did not want too many probing questions asked. And I have occasionally assisted people in changing their own paperwork. Got rather good at it during the last war.” 

“So it might have come up with some friends that I needed to create a bit of a paper trail to prove I was the me _they_ knew. But with enough of a foundation that it looks real. Now, if one of those friends also wanted to make a change that they normally couldn’t legally do, I might be able to help them. Filling in the father on a blank is a very convenient way to get access to those documents to make an update. And then it is easy to duplicate that so you ended up with two individuals with the same mother and Mr. Fell Senior as the father.” 

“Wait, wait, hang on, so you made someone else into Mr. Fell Senior’s secret love child and you into their secret separated at birth twin?” 

“I knew you’d love it!” he clapped his hands together and the grin was just utterly infectious. 

“Angel, I have no idea how we’re going to top that!” 

“Well, I think something very boring might be in order this time around, otherwise that might get a bit suspicious. How can the Fell line have such continuous drama generation after generation?” 

“Well because it’s still _you_ is how. That has to have been the plot of at least one newspaper serial.“ Crowley grinned at how utterly ridiculous the whole thing was and yet absolutely _Aziraphale_. Then had a thought. “Wait, have I met your secret sibling?” 

“Oh, yes. You always liked Moira. And she liked your style. Aside from that period with the mustache. _Dreadful_.” 

“It _was_. She had great taste. And I see what you did there.” She briefly took Aziraphale’s hand and kissed his knuckles, expression terribly soft. “You’re a good man. A clever, sneaky bastard of an angel, but a good, good man. ” 

“Hmph. Not sure others would agree. If it ever caused trouble for her mother, well, she had disowned her as she didn’t want any more scandal associated with her name, so if that scandal eventually made its way back to her…” He huffed in a disapproving manner, like he was silently wishing ill on someone who _very _much deserved it but he was an _angel_. “I don’t think it did. Or she never got notified that Moira had died, so never tried to claim the body. Good thing, as I might have fought her over it and I had paperwork to make some kind of claim. Cause a _real_ scandal.” 

Crowley barked out a laugh “Oh, Moira would have loved that if it had come to that. Especially making a scene at the funeral. But would you have shown up as Old Mr Fell the secret father or young Mr. Fell the secret twin?” 

“Mm, I think I would have had to have been Young Mr. Fell for maximum drama. How could my own mother not recognize me?” 

“Oh you’d have both loved that. How did I miss this rumor when she was alive?” 

“Well, it was supposed to be a secret. Just enough of a poorly concealed one to make it through the rumor mill. But we did that right before...” Much of Aziraphale’s good humor drained away and he picked up tea so he could stare into that. “So many of the people that would have told you were… gone.” 

Crowley squeezed his hand. “You really are the most constant presence in Soho.” 

“And you might have been second most constant.” He squeezed her hand back and then returned to eating. He was definitely more somber now, but didn’t look quite so sad. “Or perhaps the Bentley. People might have recognized that even more.” 

“I sometimes parked further away, for exactly that reason.” 

“I suspect there’s as many rumors about the Bentley as about us.” 

“You seem a lot more...relaxed about this than yesterday. About people knowing.” 

Aziraphale frowned a little and sighed. “Sleep did help. You were right I needed it. And now it's mostly over. It’s not all loose ends and unknowns. But also there’s a great deal of difference between rumors we can spin among people we know and being caught out directly like we were. We’ve always had some people that knew we were different somehow, but they thought we were the kind of different that fit in with their worldview. They only believed rumors that fit with that. That we had fundamentally _human_ secrets. Surely I can’t have greater, more dramatic secrets. No need to look for more when the secret was so poorly concealed right there in front of them and so juicy. Family resemblance was because the illegitimate son had taken over family business at father’s death. Very hush hush, such a scandal. Likely also why the twins thing got started with you. Double the drama.” 

She snorted. “That is absolute dime novel level drama. You’re right, it's irresistible as a rumor. Not quite my style, I’ve usually gone a bit more mundane for cover. Shadwell was reasonably convinced I was my own son for a long time. Senior had just moved out to the country. He even asked after his health a few times! But still, I think I’ve had more people that actually knew I wasn’t entirely human than you ever had. I’ve been caught out with the eyes a lot more times. It waxes and wanes on how badly it ends for me. I can usually write it off these days as some kind of _condition_ and it’s rude to pry too much. Bless the English. But we moved so much we didn’t usually stay where people knew. At least until the last few centuries. And even then, they didn’t entirely _know_ really. They suspected I wasn’t human, but they didn’t actually know.” 

“I’ve always been able to pass as human. So all the various cover stories… they were just that. Stories. They weren’t actually _me_. So they never really knew. I really only got caught out flat footed once and that… that did not end well. So many millennia and then I get outright discorporated… I’ve been wounded before, but this, this _hurt_.” There was softness and fragility to voice that spoke of a multifaceted pain. Aziraphale had dodged around the details of that day but Crowley knew the broad outlines. She thought he’d been sparing her from trauma since she had enough things she’d witnessed that day. But this sounded like he had withheld details because he couldn’t deal with them himself. 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. But I can hear it.” She rested her other hand on his forearm, running thumb along the muscle there, feeling where he was tensing up. 

He was silent for a few minutes, just drinking his tea and letting her stroke his arm. He looked up at her and she could see him thinking. That careful consideration of if she meant it. If the silence was meant to push him into talking. 

He looked back down at hands. “It was so _stupid_. I’m only vaguely mad at Shadwell. Perfectly understandable reaction. If I hadn’t been so frazzled, I could have gotten that sorted easily, but just a slight misstep and… it had been _so long_. Millenia of changes stripped off and tossed away. Just left standing there without that support, without those layers, and I’m expected to be who I was before all that… I’m a terrible angel.” 

“You’re the best of the lot, but I’m pretty biased.” Aziraphale was shaking his head slightly, disagreeing, but not voicing it. 

“Got body back later, so it was only temporary. I wasn’t the same though. Seems silly to be upset over the whole thing.” She could feel the tension in his arm. 

“You still got hurt in the process. In multiple ways, I think.” 

“It’s _fine_.” It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself. 

“Is it?” 

“You like me like this?” There was a nervousness there that didn’t seem to go with the question. 

“I think you’re very handsome. But I’d like you with a different body as well.” Aziraphale frowned at her, as that apparently hadn’t been what he’d wanted to hear. He was quiet for a moment and the silence started to become uncomfortable. 

“When I was possessing Madame Tracy, you recognized me right off. Even though that wasn’t _me_. How?” 

“Remember I said you could be real loud sometimes, even when I’m not trying to read you? You wanted me there. More than an end to Armageddon. Wanted me safe.” She took his hand and kissed knuckles. “Who else would care so much about me when the entire world was ending?” 

“_Anthony_.” Her hand got wrapped in both of his, warm and soft, held firmly but gently as if to convey all the feeling of that day in one touch. 

“I had to tune it all out as fast as I could or I’d have ended up just utterly useless. But I don’t think that was the answer you were expecting or wanted.” 

“No… it wasn’t what I was expecting.” He released her hand and pulled both his own back into lap, withdrawing slightly. She could see the tense set of shoulders. 

“As often as I change, you’ve never seemed to have any trouble recognizing me. How do you recognize me? Could you tell it was me when I was in your corporation?” 

“Ah… I don’t really…. I just do.” He seemed terribly flustered and confused. He seemed sure he could, but not how. 

“Could you recognize me in your corporation?” 

“Somewhat. You were me and not at the same time. It was… upsetting actually.” His brows furrowed as if he was just now naming the feeling. 

“I’m sorry. Was mine terribly weird to wear?” 

“No. It was… it was nice actually. I knew it wasn’t mine. It wasn’t me. Being me again was… that was upsetting. Was for a long time after.” He was looking off towards the rest of the flat, not meeting her eyes. 

“Does this not seem like yours?” 

“It’s ...mine. Maybe more so than the original one. This is… this is what I am now. To be upset by that seems silly, I suppose.” There was a familiar sort of deflection there. 

“You can change it, can’t you? Or did something….?” 

“No, no I can still change it. But… this _is_ me. It matches.” There was a quick flick of eyes back and then he was carefully schooling face again. 

“Isn’t that good?” She kept her voice carefully soft, making sure he understood it as the question it was, not a statement of how he _should_ feel. 

“Do you, when you change, do you match?” There was a quick look back at her before eyes went back to looking away. He worried at his lips slightly. 

“Yes and no. Some aspects of how I look, I can’t change. I want to, I can’t. I don’t feel as if they’re me, or at least I don’t want to acknowledge them as me. But much of this” She gestured broadly at herself “is true. It’s a statement of how I want to be seen. How I feel I am. I worry a little, sometimes, that you don’t like me as much like this… but you… as resistant to change as you are, you’ve never had a problem with this. Did you… did you feel like you wanted to be different?” 

“No. I know who I am. But… I feel like I _should_ want something different. Not this. It just… sometime in all that time… this is me. Body and all. I can’t… I’m an angel. I’m supposed to be eternal. _Ethereal_. That’s the part that’s supposed to be _me._ But that… I wasn’t me. I wasn’t who I was. I wasn’t who I am. Not without all this.” He gestured at himself and looked back at her. “Strip off what was supposed to be just a container and look at what’s underneath… and it's not what was put in there.” 

Crowley furrowed brows, trying to make sense of what he was telling her. She held out her hands ‘til he cautiously lifted one of them out of his lap. She took his hand in both hers and stroked thumb softly along the top of his where it poked up between her fingers. 

“I’m not changing the subject. I’m going somewhere with this. Be patient with me.” He nodded slightly in response. “I told Brian how old I was yesterday.” 

“You did _what_.” There was a brief spark of anger, then an all too familiar worry. 

“We had a pretty long conversation about a lot of things. That I was really, really old was part of it as an example of even if someone tells you something, they sometimes can’t make you _understand_ what they’re telling you. Sometimes what seems like a metaphor really isn’t. It’s the truth, just poorly told. And sometimes they really want you to understand and can’t figure out how to make you if they themselves don’t have the vocabulary to tell you about themself, about what’s happening to them.” 

He could see Aziraphale turning that over in his head. He used his free hand to pull off another little corner of bread and offered it to her. 

“I might have liked to hear that talk.” She took it directly from his fingers with gentle mouth. “It did seem to have made an impression on him. He seems to have had something on his mind when he arrived.” 

She nodded as she chewed. She took a moment to determine how much to tell him. “He did. He might want to talk to you at some later point about gender and how you choose to look.” 

“I would think you’d be better one to ask.” She could feel him tensing a little where she had his hand. 

“Well he did. Gender’s really optional for us, so that you choose to appear male was really all that came up. And you usually choose to be seen as a very specific kind of man.” 

“I do.” He squeezed her hand and then briefly looked at her very directly, making sure she saw the truth in eyes. “I _am_.” He looked back down at hands. “Did you think…?” 

“Don’t know. Don’t think he knows. The other thing we discussed was when certain secrets aren’t yours to give. Which I think he understood and appreciated. I told him what he could tell the rest of Them, specifically. And that I wasn’t planning on sharing what we talked about. Since you came up specifically and I suggested he ask you about that, I think a heads up is fair, but not all of what we talked about.” 

“That is fair. And I think a reasonable way to operate with the children. They do just know, but if they hadn’t gone through Armageddon… that’s too much of a burden.” 

“Certain things are just too much for others to understand. They don’t have the context.” She squeezed his hand gently and reached out other hand to touch his face and make sure he was looking at her. “I...do. When you have the words for me. If you want to try them out on me. To see if telling me lets you find the right ones in the telling.” 

“_Anthony_.” 

“Our side, right?” 

“Yes.” 

“So both our burdens. Lighter that way.” 

“You have your own.” He was trying to look down again and she put a little pressure on his jaw to pull his head back up. 

“And you’re eager to share them. And they grow lighter and lighter with the sharing. Let me share yours. Let me make them grow lighter.” 

“I… you may be the only one that understands but I feel… it's nothing compared to what… it's not the same. So I should be able to…” He turned his face into her hand slightly, not fully looking away, but unable to hold full contact. 

“This is not a contest. If it's less painful than what happened to me, and I am not saying it is, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt. And I can maybe make it hurt less. If you’re willing to let me.” 

“I can try.” he closed his eyes and just leaned against her hand. She carefully stroked her thumb along jaw, slow and steady and soothing. 

“Is it helping, telling me about who you were?” 

“Some, I think. Some of those are still true. Some never were. They were just masks. Roles we had to play. It’s just… I thought this” He gestured at all of him, eyes still closed. “This was just not-me. Changes were for a purpose. That it was more comfortable, well that was because it was easier to fulfill purpose. Less work. Not because… not because the insides matched.” She could see a slight glitter of tears around eyes while he was trying to close even tighter. 

“Being in someone else. Being in yours. Those were clearly not-me. Uncomfortable, but understandably so. But being without, stripped down, that _should_ be me. But it wasn’t. Adam looked at me and what he saw was _this_. Not the eternal, ethereal thing I should have been. Had been. What should have been. That was stripped off and I… I was underneath what I was. Put back together and… this _is_ me.” He opened eyes back up and they were back to that full, complete blue, not a hint of other color anywhere in the iris anymore. 

“You said last night, that you first truly desired me back in Rome. I’d started to change. I didn’t know. Did you know? Or recognize something there? All that time. That I was becoming this. I was here and more. Not eternal and ethereal. Not eternally ethereal. Here. Me. Did you?” 

“I knew you were changing. You were more… present? Perhaps less distant. I’m not entirely sure what you’re telling me now. So I didn’t know before you, whatever it is. Because I don’t know now. I’m trying. Is asking questions helping?” 

“Some. Answer one for me, please.” 

“Anything.” 

“You’ve brought it up twice now today… Why do you think I’m younger than you?” Crowley inhaled and took her hand off his face, dropping it back down to hold his hand on the table. 

“‘I’m older than dirt’ is what I told Brian. It’s a good joke. It’s also true.” She took Aziraphale’s hand and kissed knuckles. “You’re a Principality. You’ve been clear about that for a long time. No need for those until there were humans. So… unless you were…. _changed_… you’re younger than I am.” 

“You say that like it means something specific.” 

“It does and it doesn’t. It’s just… that’s really complicated. I don’t think that’s what you’re describing now, but some of its familiar sounding to me because of that. I promise, later. Just… not today. I don’t want to give you that to deal with when you’re struggling. I made my peace with it. Let me help you. I think that I’m older is enough to give you. I can’t even really tell you how much older. Time ran differently. I’m a few days older than you… but days were different. Relative. Narratively structured in length, not absolute.”<br> “What does that even mean?” 

“That’s what I mean, that I can’t really tell you. Unless you’ve been really, really holding out on me, adjusting time has never been one of your skills. Maybe I can teach you. Maybe I can’t. But I think time’s always run the same for you?” 

“Yes, except when you’ve messed about with it in my presence.” 

“Then that’s the first thing you’d have to learn, what I mean. And really truly _understand_ it. If you want to try.” 

“I want to know you, all of you, so yes.” He squeezed her hand on the table. 

“And I want to know you, really and truly. But...I think it’s going to hurt us both, to uncover those pieces and show them to each other.” 

“Yes… probably. Is it worth doing, knowing it’ll hurt?” 

“Do you still hurt now?” 

“No. Yes. Different kinds of hurt, I think. It was mostly just a shock then. I knew what I was supposed to be, what others thought I should be. And I thought I was mostly what I was supposed to be, just buried under layers. And the mask was pulled off, and the only thing that was revealed was old pain I’d almost forgotten. The mask wasn’t a mask anymore. I was the same. I was what I appeared to be. And I hadn’t even realized it myself. It seems a stupid thing that the lie you’ve told so long becomes true. That you’d never been lying to anyone but you. That this, this is me. I’m just like _this_. The only part truly hidden is the ethereal part. But also… I can’t show that to anyone but you. Barely had shown it to you, even. I’m not sure even I recognize all of it anymore because so much of it is just me. As I am. As I appear. But then we started going out and… and I feel better. Like I have a better grasp on it again. What things were the stories, what things were true. What was the ethereal part beyond this. That we might lose that… I was so _scared_ we’d have to go back to how things were.” 

“And you held together so well. Got us both through it. It’s… it’s not really alright yet, but you don’t have to pretend you’re fine for me. I’m glad you’re telling me.” 

“Am I telling you? Am I even making sense?” His eyes just looked terribly lost. 

“Do you feel you’re actually telling me something?” 

“Yes. No. I don’t know” 

“Does telling me help you figure out the words?” 

“I think so?” The question seemed as directed at himself as at her. 

“Why don’t you tell me a story, then. We’re going to have to make up a life for you again. A new story about Mr. Fell the Fifth. Make all the paperwork that goes with that life. Who he has been, who he is now, who he’s going to be. If you’re finding out now that so many of your lies were actually true, just selectively told, telling me that lie about who that is… you’re going to tell me a lot of true things about who Aziraphale is. Things you might not realize are true until you tell them to me.” 

“That’s… that might work.” He took a steadying breath. “But that’s going to be a complicated story. I’m not entirely sure where to start with that.” 

“Mmmhmm. Who old Mr. Fell the Fourth was is going to tell me some of that because it's also you. Was you. There’s no clear line between the two right now. You’re living as both old Mr. Fell and new soon-to-be-former Mr. Fell who’s supposed to be picking a new name to share with his spouse. But I don’t think Old Mr. Fell ever thought he’d be marrying me. Or marrying at all.” 

“Not the human way. I very much… this is me. You’re right, I don’t look like this accidentally. Some of that was… even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I could love you but I couldn’t be seen with you, recognized, acknowledged, as being _with_ you in any formal way, any acceptable way. It might be suspected… but never spoken of. That was a true thing. And I think was a true thing I carried as a story for a long, long time. If I presented this way, no, of course I couldn’t get married. Wasn’t even a thing to consider. It was true in my lie of being a human… but it was also _really_ true. Now… I can. Both ways.” 

“Do you still want to present yourself this way? If that part of the story isn’t needed?” 

“I… don’t know anymore. If it's allowed now, I don’t know if I need the rest.” 

“Let me turn it around then, so you can decide what part was important. I always could have presented myself like this. Stayed like this to make things work. That was an option, if we’d really wanted to try it the human way. I did that for you a few times, when your usual presentation would draw dangerous attention. But I don’t think you ever… I don’t think you ever sought that company out unless you had to for cover.” 

“No, not really, I don’t… you’re right. That IS true. This is… this is how I am.” 

“Does it bother you then when I look like this?” 

“No.” He looked a bit shifty, not guilty exactly, but not truthful either. 

“It does.” 

“It doesn’t.” That was firmer. 

“Then what’s true?” 

“I want you to be happy.” He looked directly at her, utterly certain of that part at least. 

“Does it make you unhappy when I appear like this?” 

“It's just… different.” There was that hedging again. 

“Aziraphale…” 

“I… I’m not unhappy with it. But I don’t know… what do I even call myself then? When you’re like this without, without making it seem like I’m demeaning who YOU are?” There was a frustrated edge there. 

“You’ve flat out lost me.” She kept words gentle, and squeezed hands lightly. He huffed a few times, stopping and starting on speaking before he got up enough steam to just let words all out in a rush. 

“If… If I call myself gay or homosexual or whatever indicates I like men, but you’re female… calling myself gay when I’m with you seems like… like I’m not acknowledging you, like I’m saying you’re just a man pretending, and you’re not! You’re you! And I love YOU!” 

Crowley blinked for a second, trying to make sense of that. Aziraphale was a bit flushed and breathing a bit heavily. 

“Would you say something!?!” 

“Oh you dear, sweet, _idiot._ I love you so much. Come here.” She pulled on his hands lightly, trying to get him to lean forward 

“I’m not an idiot.” He sounded very sulky, but let himself be pulled forward. She shifted her hands to cup his face and kiss him on the brow. 

“You are the most sensitive, loving, beautiful creature I know. You make me feel like I’m loved however I identify myself and I want you to feel exactly the same. We’re both so complicated that whatever human words we’re attaching to us never really convey it all. Not sure there is even a word to describe us properly in whatever it is angels speak.” 

“There isn’t. I… the human word is as close as I can get to how I feel. And I don’t want that to make you feel…” 

“Shh. It absolutely doesn’t. Maybe there isn’t a word you know for that. Yet. Maybe we’ll figure it out by the time we need to come up with new human stories again. Maybe you won’t. We have time. You like men and Crowleys.” 

“That sounds _ridiculous_.” 

“S’true though.” 

“It is. Though mostly I just like Crowleys.” There was a slight teasing tone there, but could hear the truth in that. 

“Well good thing I’m the only one then. And really, anybody that is questioning how you could be gay and be with me… they can mind their own damn business. I don’t care what _they_ think. That’s the kind of intrusive question I tolerate only from children.” 

“Because they don’t know any better?” 

“A little. Because they’re learning how the world works and in questioning it, may make it better. Or at the very least better understand it, and that’s really the first step to better. I think you might sympathize with that.” 

“Hmmph, yes.” 

“And that’s how you want me to describe you?” She pulled back so she could see his expression better, but left her hands on his face. 

“It’s a really true thing. In any form. I think we keep that part of the story.” Could feel him nod head slightly in hands. 

“Good. I’ve gotten rather used to it. But as soon as you figure out the right word… I want to be the first to hear it.” 

“I promise.” He held up a hand so she’d put one of hers in it. He shook it very formally before settling back in his chair. She snorted at the whole production, but it was still terribly sweet and earnest and very _him_. 

“Why don’t we clean up from brunch and maybe go sit on the couch? I just want to hold you and show you how much I love you, if that’s alright.” 

“I could read to you.” 

“You pick the book, but I’ll read to you. Then you know I’m paying attention.” 

“And what if I pick one of your books?” 

“I’ll make sound effects to go with the gunfights.” 

“You tempt me.” 

“S’my pleasure.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and next chapter should be a bunch of snippets of time passing and you finally get to see some of them discussing picking a name to share. THEY ARE SO DUMB.

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a real thing in the UK. Check out the Ramblers Don't Lose Your Way project to catalog the UK's public byways before they revert to private property on January 1st 2026: https://www.ramblers.org.uk/get-involved/campaign-with-us/dont-lose-your-way-2026.aspx


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